3 days in to tweenerville my Dday hits

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
3 days in to tweenerville my Dday hits
56
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 1:14pm
So xAPs W deciced out of the blue to contact my H tonight and told him everything..needless to say he is gutted the children are inconsolable ..i am the devil incarnate and he has kicked me out how do i make him listen ...how do i make him see we had already chosen spouse and family over xAPhe is talking divorce..i had started the hard yards...we had re. ..connected...things were good .. . ir eache? d93 days now this....cr@p H wont even talk to me..hates me wants a D...says he will find a lawyer tomorrow what do i do? He knows i love him..that i want my family i guess balls in Hs court now
NC x

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 10:15am

Mstrmstr,

While I appreciate that you're reaching out to help NC, I have to let you know that this board is not a BS or All Sides board - this board is only for those who've had affairs that have ended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 11:07am

NC, I have followed your story and am so very sorry for what has happened. You are getting lots of advice and support here. I did not have a DDay--this time--but I now live in fear of it myself. This is the worst thing that could happen to someone who has come out of the fog and ended his/her affair. I am just so sorry you are suffering through this.

I know you are an incredibly strong woman and you will get past this, just like you got past ending the A. I agree with everyone who has said that your H is incredibly hurt and more than likely he's numb to the point that he can't think rationally right now. Just keep breathing, try to eat, have faith, don't give up on yourself, love your children, hug yourself, lean on us.

My warmest of thoughts are with you as I am sending you vibes of strength. Stay strong.

~Alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 11:07am

not to hijack--but dee--is that actually true that bs's cant post here? i was only asking bc i've seen some other bs posts here too. personally i think mstrmstr's post was one of the kindest and least judgmental bs posts that i've seen. but then again, i've had some pretty angry bs's come at me.

anyway, this is a thread about NC, and her struggle to move on past d-day. NC, we are pulling for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 11:29am
The point of the previous post was to offer a bit of insight which might explain the extent of H's reaction. I understand that different spaces are for the support of different members, so if NC asks, I will pull down the post without further adieu.

The terms of use for the board are not coming up from the main page link, but if I've violated some rule in offering this advice/support, I won't be offended if the post is removed.

I do think, though, that the points I made could be useful to someone in NCs situation and the post was motivated by sympathy and a desire to offer support.

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 11:42am
I think your post was very helpful and I had no problem with it. The only time the "Powers that be" get their dander up would be if you were here to attack an EASer, and your post was anything but that. Just so you know though, if one of us were to go the betrayed spouses board just to say "I'm sorry for what you are going through," we would be tarred and feathered. It happened to me many years ago when I was a dumb newbie to IVillage. ;-)
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 11:59am

Mstrmstr I found your post helpful and kind, not at all judgemental in the least and thought it was nice you took the time to reach out and give her insite to what her H is thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 3:39pm
hi all thank you again for your thoughts aand constructive responses yes mstrmstr you too :) H gets angrier by the day and more determined foe separation ..i am home tonight and really need to find my rights about staying or moving out D here is no blame ...he iss soooo hurt and angry says he loves me soo much and worships the ground i walk on but that is not enough he is stuck wih images that flash in his head minute by minute he cant get past that he has asked a few Qs and i am being really honest although he asked if i still loved xap i said no .. But may have faltered and he says my face said it all ...i dont know what my face said ....he doesnt want me here should i give space by moving out or stand my ground in jointly owwned home ...i havesigned nothing altthough have looked at assets if he iis adamant he wants separation how far do i push it b4 standing up and saying hey its my house too what if he changes the locks? he is hurting but being given @dvice from a friend to kick me out ..nice friend!! thanks again :Z
nC x

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 3:58pm

(((((NC)))))

Like I said in my email, I really think you need to contact an attorney. Luvin - if you are out there reading, wouldn't that be your advice? Please hang in there. At some point your H has to settle down a little bit and see things more clearly. Be careful. I'm thinking of you.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 4:11pm
NC-- I would stay in the house. It's where your children live. He'll find the space he needs. Don't budge. I thought if I left then it may be read as "see how easy she just left?" I also don't think there is any wrong time to simply remind him that it's your house too. He will get past this angry stage, if he really loves you like he says. Love is also forgiveness. If you are committed to this marriage you need to stay calm and steady and firm. You may be in the wrong but you can not let him walk all over you. Tell him... I understand that you are hurting beyond imagination and blind with anger at me and I will give you the time you need to process your feelings if you need to do that somewhere else I think you should. But I think we can get along here in this house. I will not let you take away a home that I own and remove ne from my children. That I think you can put your foot down over. It'll piss him off but he will respect you for holding your ground. Hang tough, stay calm.

Chechi
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 4:23pm

Is there any way for you to direct him to a betrayed spouse board or get him some info on the way he is feeling? Perhaps if he spoke to a professional, rather than a friend, he might settle down sooner. Perhaps you can email him some links or leave some print outs for him to see? I am so sorry, NC. This is going to be the real Hell for a while. I am hoping for his sake--as well as yours--that he gets some counseling or does some reading so that he can understand what he is feeling right now. His world has just been destroyed. He loves you. I hope and pray he will come around in a little bit of time.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.