3 months
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| Fri, 04-29-2005 - 1:52am |
Well it has been 3 months since xmm said we can not talk anymore. I missed him terribly, I logged onto this site continually. I felt like a drowning person, clinging to a life preserver. I heard all of the advice yet I just couldn't quite do the "no contact" thing. I would set myself goals like I will make it till next Tuesday before I call him. We had many closure talks and I know he tried to get me to see the truth but he wasn't quite selfless enough to do what was best for me.
I thought we were such great friends, he was my true love and we were so close. It seemed we had these stimulating conversations and could talk about anything. I thought it was so unfair that I had to live my life without him but every time we talked I would see a little more of the true man and a little less of the fantasy I had created in my mind. I even saw him and that was painful (although nothing happened). Then we talked this last Monday and it was so sad, I realized that it wasn't enough for me. I began asking questions that I had never asked before because I was afraid of the answers.
I feel like I have grown so much. I hope I meant something to him I still love him but it dosen't matter to me anymore, I now have no desire to talk to him again. I realize that he is not a real part of my life and I really wasn't a part of his.
This has been the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. The thing that really helped me was praying. I realized that I had been getting answers to my prayers all along but they were not the ones I wanted. I prayed to have my xmm even though I knew it was wrong. Once I decided that maybe God does know more then me and maybe I should start listening to the answers he gives me it has been so much easier.
I don't log on here as much because I don't think about it as much. Take courage and stand up for yourself. I wish you all peace and strength!

Congratulations!! It sounds like you are really doing great and finally seeing things that you have to see. Everyone gets it in their own time. It took me WAY LONGER than most. I also prayed, but never for xMM because I knew it was wrong. But I longed for him so much in my heart that I realized that it was a prayer anyway. I was fighting God and what I got was pain and suffering. Slowly, little by little, I gave up and let God win. The pain and suffering began going away when I decided to give up the longing (I wasnt even in the affair anymore, it was a year over but I still held on)
Now I am in love with someone else who is fantastic, and a wonderful Christian--can you believe that we sit in Church together on Sundays and he holds my hand and sometimes our children (from our former marriages) are there with us. It is all out in the open and in the light. What a blessing from God.
It has only been 3 months since I last saw and talked to xMM. I still think of him everyday, but usually just for brief periods, when before it was all day. I hope someday to forget him completely.
Now, that I am in love and committed to marry someone else I can live without xMM forever and I choose to because I never want to be unfaithful again. When we let God win, he gives us more than we could have ever hoped for.
God Bless your future.
Survive