3 quests for this board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
3 quests for this board
12
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 10:08am

May or may not be appropriate here, but as a relative newbie to EAS, you all seem like pretty reasonable people (as opposed to All Sides, which is anything but).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 10:50am

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   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 11:31am

mm,



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 11:42am

MMWill,



I'm still fairly new to the board (out of my A for about 7 weeks) but I'll take a stab at your questions since some of what you say resonates with my own situation.



1.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 11:52am

"to make the jump of ending the M to "try" to be together - could result in them being alone still if things don't work out - and what then?

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:00pm

Iddy - I understand your answer, but just to clarify.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:06pm

I think it's probably one of the most prevelant issues when two M people try to consider ending where they are to be in something else.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:06pm

mm,



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:20pm

Yes Garfy, much of what you said, especially your reasons for not leaving, are much like my ex-AP has said. And it is definitely a totally diff situation for her now having children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:22pm

MMwillwithheragain-
What kind of moniker is that!? Hate it! Ew. change it! We're going to coming up with a better on for you. Maybe the other two guys will help us out - otherwise you might get stuck with a real stinker.

Anyhoo.

Iddy answered #1. There is not debating or carrying on about that one. It's answered but good.

#2 - uh, yes. Mothers (AND Fathers) have a different perspective. Children come first. APs a distant second - no, 10th. At least, _decent_ mothers and fathers feel that way. We usually (almost always) falter in our parental duties while in the A, but when push comes to shove, cream rises. AP hits the curb.

#3 - there is a reason the board doesn't encourage thinking that down the road friendship is possible. Among other reasons, it's because it keeps a person 'stuck' in the 'what if', even if in the most vague and distant way. Also, the possibility of it is so remote that it's not worth wasting time considering. Besides, once one has moved on (-really_ moved on), what is the point of it even? And, in your case, OBVIOUSLY neither of you has done the self-work needed to heal and move on.

and I'm not sure if you've seen it or not, but we have addressed these issues before - always from the perspective of respecting all parties involved by healing self, giving xAP the gift of NC to do the same, and giving the respective RL Rs and partners their DUE by considering the Ms ending or reconciling with the benefit of clarity and free of all A-influences. Doing it any other way is frying pan/fire mentality.

Good luck in your healing. I hope you'll decide to stick around.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:40pm

My DH and I are rebuilding after we both had affairs. The minute my DH confessed to his A, I told him that we should end our M and that he should be able to be happy even if that happiness wasn't with me. I had ended my A one year before that and had not yet confessed to my A. My DH broke down and told me that his AP made him feel like a man again. You see, I had shut down on my DH years ago and although we slept together I gave him as little of myself as possible.



Long story short, my DH and I decided to rebuild and lawd have mercy, we have had more excitement and fulfillment in our M in the last few months than we have had in years. We are committed to rebuilding. You checked out of your M 12 years ago and never checked back in. Deep down your W knows that you are not invested. You are doing a disservice to your W and kids, and you aren't doing her any favors by staying, while your hand is on the exit (XAP) button. As a matter of fact, I'm sure your W is unfulfilled also and who knows what kind of faithful, honest man would walk into her life if you weren't taking up space.



Mom_garfy, you never checked in to your M.

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