4 days NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
4 days NC
25
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 12:49pm

Help me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: jimmy2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 1:11pm
Hi J,

So miss her. Missing is just a feeling - allow it, but recognize that your affair is over, and the kindest thing you can do for her, if you care about her at all, is TO LEAVE HER ALONE.

You're 4 days in - withdrawal is gonna hurt for a bit longer. It hurts to come back down to earth, pull our heads out from our butts, and do the real work of repairing the damage we have done to ourselves and our lives.

Doing "this" is NOT an option. As soon as you let go of the idea that there is any other option - you'll find greater peace. There is NO OPTION. You must surrender yourself over to those of us who have gone before you, who have felt exactly what it is you are feeling now, and who have gone on to have wonderful lives AFTER THE AFFAIR.

You gotta find some courage there J, and some stamina to stay the course. This isn't child's play. This is about the rest of your life, and protecting everything and everyone you love in your REAL LIFE.

What ACTIONS are you taking RIGHT NOW to "do this"? Are you wallowing in self-pity, or getting out there working at repairing your life? See, it's all about the choices we make to get us where we need & want to be ... not hiding away in the shadows of our own lives. Haven't you missed out on enough? Aren't you tired of it all? Don't you want to embrace fully those in your life? Well, then GET BUSY! It doesn't just happen. YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. It takes time & investment on your part.

So please ... get doing the work you need to do.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
In reply to: jimmy2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 1:33pm
you are right
there are just so many triggers and i feel all alone
fear i may go fishing in a weak moment
we left on good terms
she was always kind and considerate of me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
In reply to: jimmy2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 4:49pm

Hi Jimmy,

Welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: jimmy2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 5:48pm
Hi Jimmy, welcome to EAS. I didn't think I could do it either. But I did. Because my happiness, my xAP's happiness, my children's happiness and my H's happiness depended on me finding the strength. Sometimes you've just gotta do what you've gotta do, whether you think you can or not.

Ending an A can feel very lonely, but you're not alone. We have all walked in your shoes and are here to offer you our care and support (and to warn you of some of the potholes and snares along the way).

Read lots in our healing library and post often.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
In reply to: jimmy2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 6:46pm

Hi Jimmy. I found the first week to be hard and I am currently at the beggining of day 12 NC which is still hard but in a different way. The strong pull of the A is well in force in that first week and I actually broke no contact when I first joined up and had to start all over again. This is a battle that fully rages around you and in you but it is one that can and will strengthen you as a person (I am reminding myself of that too!). I posted yesterday that I too was missing my xap. Everyone here really understands how hard it is and how each little step away from the A is actually a big step to reclaiming your real life and self. I have found it helpful to go through the posts and read others posters who started out on their first few days and then find their other posts and read their journeys as they grew stronger. It gives hope and helps build you with encouragement.

It will seem that your bad days will go on forever and I am still feeling that more then I am not but just post and let the lovely people here encourage and support you. You can do this and once you really commit to no more contact although the pain is still there, the desire to move forward gets stronger. Be kind to yourself and don't give up hope that you will come out on the other side of this happier and stronger.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
In reply to: jimmy2010
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 4:43pm
i continue to struggle
everything seems like a trigger and i can't get thoughts of "us" out of my head
i wonder if she is even thinking of me

im struggling and feel pathetic
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: jimmy2010
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 4:57pm
Jimmy, you're not pathetic at all. It's completely normal to be struggling at day 4 and to feel as though everything is a trigger. I suspect that every single one of us felt like that in the first week.

The important thing is that you are maintaining NC and coming here for support when you need it. This will get easier. I promise. :)

Learning to control those thoughts takes time but it is possible. There are some great threads in the Healing Library about techniques for breaking patterns of obsessive thinking. The two that worked best for me were to say "stop" and deliberately shift my focus to something happening in the present moment, or to distract myself by doing something nice for someone else. Small acts of love and kindness for family and friends can be a great way to start rebuilding our sense of self after an A.

Hugs to you

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: jimmy2010
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 7:23pm

Hi Jimmy

I think it is really helpful for people to share their story with us...because then we know how best


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: jimmy2010
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 8:12pm

I just want to add that you don't want to get too specific.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
In reply to: jimmy2010
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 4:14am

Welcome,

Many regulars have already chimed in wth their good advice and encouragment, but I just wanted to say welcome and encourage you on making it to Day 4. All of us here know how painful the days are in the beginning. Most of us also tried to end these A many times but never made it day 4. You can do this.

Letting go of the A and knowing it is the end is hard, but regardless of the "love" we feel, the consideration xAP showed, or the pain of ending; the best thing that can happen is to say farewell. (And trust me that I don't just say that to you, but because I need the reminder still as well)

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