4 years...and over.
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| Wed, 09-15-2010 - 4:04pm |
My story is no different than anyone else's I imagine. I am a MW involved in a PA with a MM for the last 4 years. 3 of those years were easy, fun and I guess you can say fulfilling. We were on the same page. Total cake eaters just really enjoying each other, both of us had low libido spouses and we just totally clicked and as time went on we started to lean on each other to get through things in our RL. I believe we really cared about each other and I still do.. That said, earlier this year I felt a shift... it was slipping away and I didn't know why. Things in his household were coming to a head, the long way. Fire up then settle down over and over again...which would always have an effect on our "relationship". Lately it's been more fired up than not. They started MC and many times he was ready to leave her, which terrified me. This past year has been a total roller coaster of emotions for me, (and him) more tears than I have EVER cried, and more anxiety than I care to share. My panic filled posts are all over MAS.
Well... I made it here. It actually "ended" a few weeks ago but I couldn't say that it was completely over as I knew there were more discussions (and tears) to be had. BUt as of yesterday it is final and I told him I could not be friends. I cannot sit and wait for him to solve his issues like he wanted me to. It's been a long, slow train wreck for the last few months and I saw it coming. He didn't so much. He would have continued to hold on and been miserable for as long as it took to figure out what he was going to do at home. He changed a lot on me and I could no longer handle the mood swings, the emotional dumping and never knowing who I was going to get when I saw him. Some times he was so into me, other times mopey and cool.
Not sure what I am feeling right now. We have so much history. 4 years is a long time. This last 6 months has been just the worst for me and I feel like I am barely recognizable as myself anymore. It became less affair like and more like therapist/patient. I'm just so tired. I feel like my pilot light is out. I wish I had ended this months ago, but I didn't. I allowed him take me on his ride that has no end. I literally jumped off a few weeks ago and weirdly I feel pangs of sorrow for leaving him, such a crappy friend. We have been through a lot together. Neither of us wanted to end it..but we both knew that we had to. I did it for me and I did it for him. We were both in pain. HAd a long talk yesterday, confirmed that yes we do care about each other, how we wished things were different and one last counseling session on his issues and when he ask if he could call him later I said no, that we can't talk anymore. We are at such an impasse and it's too painful for me. He said he would respect that.
So it's my second day one...while it's better than the last I still feel everything from panic to relief and back. Can't help wondering what he is doing or feeling. I suppose he feels like me. BUt I also would love to know what he will do about is M and all the other things he needs to solve. On the other hand I know it's no longer my business. Not that it ever really was.
I feel like a piece is missing already. I want to get past this. I have a lot of wonderful things going on on my life. Friends, a new career, family, kids and a husband who adores me. I don't have a lot of bad things to say about xAP. He was just a guy with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's a bad person as much as I am. He was never mean to me, never rude. I think he is as upset as I am. Do I need to hate him to get over him? If so, I'm not sure I will get there. Can just accepting the circumstances as they are get me through?
chechi

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Hi Chechi
I hear you about a reason for shaving! Im like a walking forest :)
Iggyxx
A walking forest? lol
I'm having mental pictures lol
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and feeling great!
Fate decides who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you let walk away and who you refuse to let walk out.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
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