48 hours NC and feelin ok!
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| Sun, 06-13-2010 - 12:15pm |
hi ladies,
here to get some support in the early stages of NC. last saw my AP 2 days ago, after weeks of a drawn out ending (back and forth and back and forth, you know how it goes). ultimately i came to the conclusion that as long as he's in my life, i wont figure ANYTHING out about who i am and what i want. so i told him that. we had one last hurrah and said goodbye.
funny thing is, i feel more relieved than anything else. i think of him, but im also just like.. "phew, im so glad i dont have to think of some excuse to make up to go see him...i can just live my day normally..." ive been thinking of him, missing him in some ways, the little reminders of him or his presence in my life, but overall, i feel good and i feel able to maintain. he emailed me yesterday saying he was impressed by my resolve, and that he was thinking of me, and i just deleted it. have deleted his # as well.
what advice do you girls have as i go forward? does NC get easier? what are the bumps in the road tha ti should be anticipating?
thanks so much! these boards are a god sent :)

E~
How often did you see him before your 48 hours of NC? Did you text and email like crazy during those times he wasn't available? I'm only asking you this because if we really think about it, most APs have 2, 3, 4 or even a week's break before contact is made again. Therefore only 2 days of NC
~Iddy~
Dear Existentialist82,
Welcome to the Board - you are in very good company with others who are going/have gone through exactly what you are. What to expect can't be explained any better than how Iddy did - there will be a lot of hard times ahead. Your resolve may wax and wane, but I guarantee that, if you stick with Iddy's advice, it will work and be SO worth it! Unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done,so read and post often and know that we are your friends and will help you get through this!
Iddy, your words are so profound - you perfectly explain what happens during this rough time. I agree that the healing really works when the focus is on one's self and not the xAP or the A.
I, myself, am still riding the ride (of NC and recovery, that is!) and continue to find help and support through this Board! I think I have finally reached the point when I actually want more not to see my xAP than I do! How's that for a change?!
Hugs to all!
HLS
Hello-
Congrats on ending your A. You've done the right thing... and now the ride begins. The road to recovery is a long one- full of so many emotions... I am sure the more you read here, the more you will understand that healing is not linear. You don't just get better and better without feeling some setbacks, but you just keep moving forward. I started a blog when I intiated NC and reading back through the posts, it illustrates the ups and downs... you will learn so much about yourself during this process. So just hold on tight and keep your eyes ahead. There is a light at the end of the tunnel now. You've escaped the endless cycle of pain... and you will be happy again, I promise.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi all,
thanks for your very thoughtful posts. Iddy, I do need your words of warning. This is goin to be a major process. And, as expected I broke NC with a text! Before I explain that though, you should know that AP and I saw each other almost daily and texted/emailed constantly. So, 2 days was actually a lot for us. I made it 4 days before he texted me just saying he was thinking of me, and I texted back sayin, "hey, yeah, this sucks, but its gotta be that way". he gave me a long drawn out response about why I should not have ended things, and I responded with, " I'm sorry, but it has to be this way". I just feel like a total jerk ignoring his texts, but perhaps that is the right thing to do.
My resolve of NC has certainly waxed and waned, as another poster said, but my resolve about ending the A has been steadfast. He's a great guy, and I wish he could be my friend one day, but this has been so destructive and unhealthy and it's got to go.
Thank you all for your continued support. It's wonderful to have a place to share these personal issues :)
"he emailed me yesterday saying he was impressed by my resolve, and that he was thinking of me, and i just deleted it. have deleted his # as well."
Hello Existentialist,
Welcome to our board.
This may come off as harsh, but he's played you and you know it. You have kept open the A door, and he came a knocking. Your text exchanges are not A ending - they are the kind that keep you hooked - keep you wondering when the next one will come, and what it will say. Commiserating with him is not moving forward. It is not ending the A. He was once impressed with your resolve, he believed you couldn't really mean it - and he proved himself correct. That's what really sucks. The big ego boost he got. Now where to? What are you going to do now? Because the 'road of hard' is just getting started. Have you been reading here? There is so much pain - the consequences to being discovered change everything ... and then some.
Existentialist - time to make a better plan for yourself. Time to learn his fishing attempts aren't about caring for you. They aren't about anything other than keeping you stuck and confused. They are selfish and the sign of a weak man who doesn't respect you enough to let you heal. I know because my xAP treats me the same.
I hope you haven't hit lower lows - that's what usually follows breaks in NC - at least in my own personal experience. First it feels so good that he was missing me so much he just couldn't handle NC - and then I would be filled with shame and regret that I fell for it again, that my hopes were up that his missing actually meant something - that maybe he had doubts that he could go on without me. Nope - all it meant was he was feeling lonely, so he turned to the easiest place to get some unearned caring. Me. When he was filled up, off he went. Back to his W.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 6/15/2010 9:31 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
you're so right. my xAP did play me. i doubt it was intended to be malicious and manipulative, but i think for him, HE'S stuck and confused, and he doesn't want me to move on. he's told me that, he said he feels like it's "getting easier and easier" for me to let go of him, and that scares him. the thing is, the tone i detect in your post, that i've seen a lot around this board, is that many of us seem to have demonized our xAPs. i understand that makes it easier to move on, but in my case IM the one who ended things. he was ready to leave his wife for me, he constantly told me how crazy he was for me and was very demonstrative (i didn't feel that it was just words). I was the one who was touch and go with everything, he was always clear with his feelings. so i feel like i cant demonize him, and i think part of me feels so guilty for breaking his heart or something....so i dont want to let go...isn't that awfully narcisstic of me?
help!
Hello,
I too know what you are feeling. I am the one who instigated no contact. I had a counselor from the start, close friends who knew all, and supported me relentlessly through the early days of ending it - and still do. I have moved on more easily than him. He is stuck. But you know, he is making the choice to stay stuck. He could make different choices, and 'let me' go.
I am not sure if you are familiar with my story, but just briefly, my xAP had a planned DDay and was apartment hunting. I can't point to one thing he ever did intentionally to hurt me, in fact, he worked his butt off to minimize the hurts I experienced. I was in his real life - in his home, family outings, we knew one another's families. I cared for this person deeply. Or so I thought. But what I have come to realize, is that what felt like love wouldn't be compatible with what I KNOW to be love - I would never have asked someone I truly cared about to lie, cheat, manipulate to be with me. I wouldn't assist them to hide our relationship - to get better at being less than he was meant to be in this world. I helped him become less - when I justified it to myself as helping him become more. And he did the same with/to me. And it is selfish of him to continue to want me wrapped up with him and his well-being when in the end, he changed his mind. Actions are actions - and while your xAP may have done some things - you are exactly where you have always been, and where you will always be ... NOT together.
I rarely say an ill word about my xAP. I still work with him almost daily. I believe we were too very unwell people who took advantage of one another, used each, and when I couldn't tolerate it any longer, (and even if he couldn't see that it was in his best interest too) I ended it. I know that I am in a better place, and I know that if I cared about him as much as I thought I did, then the kindest way I can show that, is to remain LC/NC.
my best to you ((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou