Oh, pilatesgirl. I feel your pain. I really do. I have started NC and restarted it more times than I can count.
Like you, I am the fisher. Every time NC was broken, it was because of me. I would always get weak and send a text, sometimes he would reply the way I wanted him too. More often, not. Lately, he has grown tired of the games and of me. The last few times I broke NC by texting him, I only ended up humiliated and embarrassed. I was pathetic, really.
I too have a wonderful H at home. But I know what it's like to feel an attraction to someone else and to feel like you might die without them.
All I can say is that Victory is right. The more times you contact him, the more he will pull away, and the more humiliated and disgusted you will feel with yourself. My exap, like yours, would not contact me on his own. I was, also, the temptress.
Please, love yourself enough to stop. I promise you that if you keep going, you will only get more hurt. I am there. By sticking to my NC, though, I am able to slowly take back some of my strength and dignity.
Please do not beat yourself up for breaking NC. All you can do now is pick yourself and start again. If I can do it, so can you. I am here if you need to talk. ((((HUGS))))
How did u stop? Do u look at men in order to validate ur beauty? I love my h..but u can never get back the lust..he can..I fake it..why isn't a mature love enough? Why is the thrill so necessary 4 me?
Yes, I do look to men for validation. When exap first began to flirt with me and notice me, of course it was a huge ego boost.
What I have learned so far is that I was looking for validation from exap because I WAS EMPTY. I was looking for someone to fill me up. To make me complete. My H and I have been married several years, and of course, the lust and spark has faded. When I began my A, it was like I was awakened again. I felt alive- it also made me wonder why H and I didn't have that spark and that physical connection.
What I had to learn was that ALL new relationships usually start out with that spark - but over time, when real life invades, the spark will fade. There's a post in the healing library about the science behind falling in love. I will try to find it for you- it helped me understand how our hormones work. I still do not have that spark back for my H- but I can tell you that I know if I keep working at it- I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And you know what? What H and I have might not be as physically hot and lustful anymore- but it is REAL life and REAL love. There is a comfort and hope in that which can't even begin to touch the A. My H loves me no matter what- he sees me first thing in the morning with no makeup. He sees my worst faults. Would my exap love me that way? Nope.
Sorry- I am rambling a bit. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I too am struggling with all of this, right along with you. But, I believe that in the end, real life has the ability to be 100 times more magical and wonderful than the A - but it takes work. I haven't truly started working on my marriage yet- I am still working on NC and getting over my A. One thing at a time, I tell myself. Someone on this board said that the best thing to do regarding your marriage at this point is to just coast...... once you are out of the A and the fog completely, then begin to work on the marriage issues.
How did I do it you asked? The only way I could finally stop breaking NC and fishing was to get rid of text messaging on my phone completely. I still have my cell, but I do not have the ability to send or receive texts. Since that is the main way exap and I communicated- it pretty much solved the problem for me. I figure- why make it harder on myself? I know myself. I know I am weak. On a bad day I will break NC in a minute. So, I basically forced myself to stick to it. There have been several times I have been tempted to contact him, but I couldn't. After the urge passed, I was so happy that I couldn't and that I didn't.
I know it is hard. It still is for me. But do whatever you have to do to get through NC- block him, get rid of your cell or text messaging, whatever you have to do!!! Don't put yourself in a position where you are likely to give in. Make success easy on yourself!
I also try to keep my mind and my hands busy. Don't watch romantic tv shows, or read romance novels. Don't listen to sappy music. Don't wallow in it.
Then, begin to look inward. Why did you turn to this man? What are you afraid of? Why are you looking to another person to validate you and fill your emptiness? Those are some of the questions that I am still asking myself......
Hang in there, girl. It's gonna be alright!!! I promise. Hazel.
Pages
You didn't send him that text to get power back.
Comments and
Oh, pilatesgirl. I feel your pain. I really do. I have started NC and restarted it more times than I can count.
Like you, I am the fisher. Every time NC was broken, it was because of me. I would always get weak and send a text, sometimes he would reply the way I wanted him too. More often, not. Lately, he has grown tired of the games and of me. The last few times I broke NC by texting him, I only ended up humiliated and embarrassed. I was pathetic, really.
I too have a wonderful H at home. But I know what it's like to feel an attraction to someone else and to feel like you might die without them.
All I can say is that Victory is right. The more times you contact him, the more he will pull away, and the more humiliated and disgusted you will feel with yourself. My exap, like yours, would not contact me on his own. I was, also, the temptress.
Please, love yourself enough to stop. I promise you that if you keep going, you will only get more hurt. I am there. By sticking to my NC, though, I am able to slowly take back some of my strength and dignity.
Please do not beat yourself up for breaking NC. All you can do now is pick yourself and start again. If I can do it, so can you.
I am here if you need to talk. ((((HUGS))))
Hazel
Hazel
How did u stop? Do u look at men in order to validate ur beauty? I love my h..but u can never get back the lust..he can..I fake it..why isn't a mature love enough? Why is the thrill so necessary 4 me?
I noticed you cannot be emailed through your profile either.
Comments and
Pilatesgirl,
Yes, I do look to men for validation. When exap first began to flirt with me and notice me, of course it was a huge ego boost.
What I have learned so far is that I was looking for validation from exap because I WAS EMPTY. I was looking for someone to fill me up. To make me complete. My H and I have been married several years, and of course, the lust and spark has faded. When I began my A, it was like I was awakened again. I felt alive- it also made me wonder why H and I didn't have that spark and that physical connection.
What I had to learn was that ALL new relationships usually start out with that spark - but over time, when real life invades, the spark will fade. There's a post in the healing library about the science behind falling in love. I will try to find it for you- it helped me understand how our hormones work. I still do not have that spark back for my H- but I can tell you that I know if I keep working at it- I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And you know what? What H and I have might not be as physically hot and lustful anymore- but it is REAL life and REAL love. There is a comfort and hope in that which can't even begin to touch the A. My H loves me no matter what- he sees me first thing in the morning with no makeup. He sees my worst faults. Would my exap love me that way? Nope.
Sorry- I am rambling a bit. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I too am struggling with all of this, right along with you. But, I believe that in the end, real life has the ability to be 100 times more magical and wonderful than the A - but it takes work. I haven't truly started working on my marriage yet- I am still working on NC and getting over my A. One thing at a time, I tell myself. Someone on this board said that the best thing to do regarding your marriage at this point is to just coast...... once you are out of the A and the fog completely, then begin to work on the marriage issues.
How did I do it you asked? The only way I could finally stop breaking NC and fishing was to get rid of text messaging on my phone completely. I still have my cell, but I do not have the ability to send or receive texts. Since that is the main way exap and I communicated- it pretty much solved the problem for me. I figure- why make it harder on myself? I know myself. I know I am weak. On a bad day I will break NC in a minute. So, I basically forced myself to stick to it. There have been several times I have been tempted to contact him, but I couldn't. After the urge passed, I was so happy that I couldn't and that I didn't.
I know it is hard. It still is for me. But do whatever you have to do to get through NC- block him, get rid of your cell or text messaging, whatever you have to do!!! Don't put yourself in a position where you are likely to give in. Make success easy on yourself!
I also try to keep my mind and my hands busy. Don't watch romantic tv shows, or read romance novels. Don't listen to sappy music. Don't wallow in it.
Then, begin to look inward. Why did you turn to this man? What are you afraid of? Why are you looking to another person to validate you and fill your emptiness? Those are some of the questions that I am still asking myself......
Hang in there, girl. It's gonna be alright!!! I promise.
Hazel.
Pilatesgirl,
Look in the healing library. I bumped "Chemistry Lesson" up for you. It helped me a lot.
Also, right under that is "The Zen of Doing Nothing" --- that is something i read often.
Hazel.
This thread brings tears to my eyes. Thanks so much for such candid posts.
This is what I am struggling with right now. I was the one
You can email me at Hazelrose2010@yahoo.com
:)
Pages