5 weeks, when will it get better :(
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| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 4:38pm |
hi all,
its been 5 weeks now since my A ended
last week was the hardest week for me so far OW and i talked on the phone and to each other and 1 email, all along i am getting mixed messages from her and even from what i get from other people
the pain is slowly going down, anxiety at work is lower but still there, i cried 2x in 6 days so its getting better and i am able to sleep longer too
still i think of her all the time, everytime we have contact in the last 6 days she was also mean to me and she would say sorry in the end and said that she is stressed out, im just saying what she told me, i need to tell u guys, i have no one to talk to at all, im doing my laundry right now and so im talking here on the board
last nite i spoke to her on the phone on the way home, it was so hard to hear her words they are so painful
i need to go on, she told me she still wants to be friends with me if and when i getr over her
i lost weight and cant seem to gain it no matter how much i eat, i have no appetite but i am forcing myself to eat
i hope this will be a good weekend for all of us, its cloudy and cool again
max

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lizzie,
i hit me on the head, u are right, i am an engr, very rational, process oriented, i am very logicail also, maybe that is why i dont know how to deal with OW, from my point of view, i have given her all i have and all she can want, i am the right choice so to speak but still she choose to not be with me, that part i dont understand at all, why she choose to not change her life and choose to stay with one that from another person's point of view is not a very good one, OW even acknowledge it, she told me that if not for her daughter she would be with me, its a consolation i think, im not sure anymore
yes, i am very loyal and very forgiving, i have bend over backwards and have taken so much just to make OW happy, i compromise beyond what i think i above and beyond what some people would , my friends actually think im crazy
im 39 yrs old and i feel like i have missed the train
my divorce was nothinh like this, i am actually friends with ex-wife, we still talk and she sometimes still make sure im ok, she know about me and OW, i think im gonna make ex-wife my beneficiary again, i dont know what i was thinking, all my assets are in OW name in the event of my death, i mean all of it, i need to change my living will/trust
lizzie, thanks for sharing your life her, i dont know if comfort is the word but i feel like im not alone and find strenght in your experience and that someone like me can also survive, alone or not i know we can survive out time here, we just have to make the most of it and be happy and fulfilled
thanks,
max
Max:
I am not an orphan from birth...youngest of 8 kids, father left when i was 8, died 1.5 miles away from me knowing he was going to die and didnt call or see me after i was 14. Mom died, brothers have died tragically with lots of tauma attached (long story)..all elders have died and not one of my surviving siblings talk to each other. (longer story).
I feel your isolation and pain. One good thing for YOU is that you are male =) Being 39 isnt the same for you HAHAHA.
here is some unsolicited advice and I dont care if it sounds like I am telling you how to run your life LOL OK? So everyone please allow me to fantasize a lil...for our good friend Max who is seemingly so full of love to give to someone:
You will find the love you seek because you seek it. (When you are ready). You will have a family most likely because you deserve that connected feeling. I think you should start thinking that as a goal...making babies loving them...giving them a Dad...being a Dad...all that unconditional love. But please only do it with someone who loves you like the dickens. Be a good man, dont stray, spend lots of quality time doing things with family. Don't get wrapped up into work if/when you do start that family. I dont know why you and your exwife didnt work out. But whatever it is learn from it. Take what you can learn about YOURSELF from the OW experience.
You said you had financial security etc. You have something to give to a family without the financial struggles right? What a lovely way to begin eh? You don't have that struggle anymore...and it couldnt be more deserving of someone like you who had nothing and needed it so badly.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean by how you suddenly woke up and found yourself in this position at 39. Lucky you that you dont have that damn biological stigma. I am pretty much damaged goods lol...YOU my friend...I think...are just starting to live. Now that our really bad times in life are indeed over. .......think about it...you will never be in a foster home again ::whew:: you are done struggling through school and trying to make it. OMG Max...what YOU have overcome ...just gave me (literally) shivers. Anyone would respect what you've overcome! I want you to be proud of yourself (and i know you are) ...now i think ..you want to show that to someone special...somone who can let you lay your head in her lap and just stroke your hair when those feelings do come back to you (and i know they do)...when you need comfort not just sex...and then when you do need to feel like a man =) ...go for ALL of that. Might i suggest a cancer female LOL ..(adding levity here..cancers are nurturing they can do the mother thing and the lover thing) lol...
When you are ready Max, and you will be....wow lucky the woman who gets to have a date with you in a beautiful San Franscico restaurant...and what a lovely walk in the park eh?
She better be awesome dammit. We (the collective friends here whom you have inched into our hearts with your Maxed-Self) ...expect some really awesome woman for you....AWESOME SINGLE...READY TO MINGLE...FEMALE IN HER THIRTIES who..deserves you...changing your name to Maxexcellent =)
as my redneck boss would say "get 'er done" =) heheheh...feeling up today and trying to spread it. ..but i speak all truths. It may be 2 months from now...but Max..i can feel it...you will feel like loving again. lay off the ice cream...sugar makes people cry easier go for the sugar free if ya gotta lol...
My house is still a mess however..i dont think its depression now as much as damn lazy lol
and its more "fun" to be on the puter.
I am hopeless...gonna look into maid service for some deep cleaning (not kidding...i have a date i think next saturday and he will have to pick me up i think)...good motivation eh?
This is so not me...i didnt date for 10 yrs! I AM GOING ON A DATE a REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL DATE. Not an eff buddy, not an affair, not just for drinks...a real date! and omg he is single.. lol
It can happen to you. If you try. Even if its awful (like the one last week) its great practice, totally free, no hiding (just a lil long distance, not happy about that)
Lizzie
hi lizzie,
thanks for your words, i know the problem lies within me, just have to find myself again, i baked some banana bread, i love banana bread with coffee ice cream
i just sent an email to a friend who is a lawyer and did my will and asked him to make changes, for now i made my ex-wife my beneficiary, she is the closest family to me, we are still good friends, main reason for divorce is i want kids and she does not want to have kids
i am financially secure, she does not have to work if she wants to, i am able to provide the basic necessities in life and some extra stuff
for sure i have learned my lesson, i has lead to believe that OW will change her situation and be with me, she admitted she did lead me to believe, other than that i was taken by her,i have known OW 4 yrs prior to our relationship, after my divorce i only dated OW, i been married for 10 yrs, up to know i still kindof take care of ex-wife, i still mow her lawn and clean her garage when she ask me too, still to do odd and end work for her, she ask me to help her around the house all the time, we have become friends actually
anyways, the sun is up again, it was cloudy earlier, im gonna go out and buy some food for dinner, in time i will be able to move on, OW will just be a memory and a good learning experience for me
thanks lizzie for your kind words, i am so thankful that people do care, this board is a savior to me and the people here are my inspiration, so much pain and yet there is also hope
max
hi all,
its almost 8 am here, i just woke up from a goodnite sleep and im feeling so anxious again
for no reason at all im anxious about going to work
its a nice and sunny day here and i feel crappy
:(
max
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