6 months of no contact
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 08-28-2010 - 6:50pm |
It's been 6 months of no contact for me. February 20th was the last day I spoke with or saw my AP. It was a long time coming. Even though my affair was short-lived, I feel like it nearly ruined my life, and my husband's. I willingly told my DH. He deserved to know. Not to mention, there was no getting away from my AP until the truth came out. AP was DH's friend. We are working through what I've done. Our marriage seems strong right now. I wasn't sure we would survive this.
The guilt I feel is indescribable. I have never felt more alone. My DH has forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself by any means. I want to know when it gets better? I have feelings of just complete self hatred. I wonder if God hates me. I wonder if I could even make it in to heaven anymore. I don't know how I can get on with my life and start to feel normal again. I know I owe my husband and family so much more than I'm giving. The sad part is that the way I feel is just making me hate myself even more. After all, I caused this. I brought this all on myself. I did this so don't I deserve it?
For anyone who has not started an A, but is thinking about it, I hope you read this and see what devistation it can cause not only your family, but yourself. I wish I had it to do over again. I would do everything differently.

You bring up God, so I will reply. This reply comes from a Christian point of view.
I will refer you to the story in the new testament where the adulteress is about to be stoned and Jesus sends everyone away. Read His answer when she asks if He condemns her too. (I admit, I am not posting it because I don't quite remember it word by word. I just remember it as comforting).
When I went to confession my priest (who has known me since childhood) after assuring me of God's forgiveness refused to give me a penance. When I asked why he stated "You will punish yourself more than God ever can. Right now He loves you that much."
I am very happy for you and H. Keep up the good fight and stop punishing yourself. Love yourself as your H and God love you.
Hi momathome :)
Congratulations on your six months.
Hello Mom,
I am coming up on 5 months NC ... 8 months since PA ended. The self-loathing is over-whelming for me too. I can't look at my children without wanting to vomit. I can't believe I did this to them and my (soon to be ex) husband. I am proud of you for telling your husdand - like Clarity, I see it as a necessary ingrediant to re-building for most marriages. My marriage is ending in divorce; however, that is the consequence, and I was prepared for this outcome. I am devastated. For me, I didn't end the affair soon enough - I let it linger on, build stength, and it was all my H could do to keep sane with the lies and deceit. Perhaps if I had found the courage earlier, when my H was first told, we would have had the chance to re-build. All the chances I got to end it - and not one did I take. This will haunt me forever.
6 months is a huge accomplishment. I have found that my early grief at letting go of the affair, was soon replaced by these much more difficult emotions/thoughts/feelings to face. I know that each day I continue to move forward, and look inward for answers, is another day I am working at redeeming myself for my behaviour.
Let's see where we are at in another 6 months (-:
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Mom...please excuse the hijack...
TU...have you told your story under the Discovery Thread in the HL?
Thank you everyone for your words. They are comforting. I have wished I was Catholic so I could go to a priest and make a confession. I am not sure of the "rules" so I don't know that they would accept a confession from a Methodist. I did pray to God last night and really asked Him for forgiveness. Not that I haven't before, but I really needed to know that I had asked for forgiveness and recognized that it was all my doing and no one's fault but my own.
I've felt hatred for my x-AP - especially in the first couple of months after I told my DH. But last night I prayed for him, too. I hope this is a step to bettering myself and my family.
I'm not sure you have to be Catholic.