6 weeks
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| Sun, 08-08-2010 - 8:13am |
It's been 6 weeks of NC as of today. I wish I never would have gotten myself in this mess in the first place. I keep trying to look at the positives, and there are a few - mainly everything I've learned about myself. But looking back now, what a colossal waste. 7.5 years of emotional abuse. Why did I put up with it for so long? Accept things that in a "real" relationship I would never, ever accept? Why did I defend myself to a man who is a cheater? Because I kept blaming everything on THE SITUATION. "XAP is only acting like this because of the circumstances." I have to constantly remind myself that HE was the CAUSE of the circumstances. He always, always, always made me feel like I had something to prove to him. He was so incredibly jealous and insecure. If I was doing any innocent thing - going out to dinner with girlfriends, he would make me miserable before I left. Then say things like "We'll see how tonight goes".
I'm proud that I finally got here, but I'm beating myself up for not getting here sooner. Just a little blah this morning - feeling like all the weight of what I let XAP do to me quash me like a pancake.
Bodhi

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I have been watching your progress and I hope you know you are doing really well. Six weeks is a long time and you deserve to give yourself credit for finally ending that toxic relationship. It's time for you to go out and celebrate. At least you had the courage to end it. Yes, most MM who cheat are manipulators. It's the way they can get a single woman like yourself to feel bad enough about herself that she would settle for being his dirty little secret. I saw it when I read emails my FWH wrote to his former AP. But I also was a MW who manipulated a single guy during my A. If you think about it anyone who participates in an A is manipulating each other to get what we want. You put up with him because you were hiding out in the relationship. For some reason you felt safer being with someone you knew you couldn't have. MM did what you allowed him to do. Why in the world would a single person allow a M person to dictate anything they are doing when the M person is going home to their spouse? I found out in T (God bless my therapist) that my choice to have an A was because I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere and I was protecting myself from getting hurt. How could someone hurt you when you know from day one that we are both cheaters and liars. It really doesn't make sense when you think about it that we expect any honesty and good treatment from someone who is betraying their M vows.
Well, again you have made it six weeks and it's time to get out and get moving and make yourself available to meet someone new and single. I know several ppl who are in happy, healthy relationships and they are monogamous. You too can have a good relationship with a guy who won't try to control you and lie to you. It's up to you. You are giving this cheating man too much rent space in your head. The more you get out and meet new ppl and do things to be the very best person you can be the more insignificant this JAM will become. After all, he is just one man and there are billions of men on this planet.
bohdi,
yes, 7.5 years IS a long time, but i have to tell you that i am awed by your insight, your eloquence, and your commitment to heal from the destruction of your A.
you can't change the past, but you can move forward, and you can claim the future.
i rarely post, but i often read, and your thoughtful, incisive posts always draw me in. i think you're amazing. hold your head high.
lillie
(((Bodhi)))
I know only too well how you are feeling today, honey. When reality keeps slapping us upside the head, one blow after another, of course our heads are going to hurt. I still have days where I can't believe I had allowed my entire life to revolve around Xmm. Although he was not emotionally abusive and encouraged me to move on many times, I was stuck on stupid for the last two years of my A. As Mom_meandmyboys stated, I know now that I was/am terrified of commitment and that is why the A worked for me UNTIL I wanted more. You cannot GET MORE from someone who is already commited to someone else. Understanding that we are an option and will never be a priority was a difficult lesson for me to learn. Once I "got it" I knew what I had to do to stop the pain and heartache.
We bought into a dream, Bodhi, and when we finally wake up and discover that it was all smoke and mirrors, it takes a long time to sort out all those distorted images we thought were real. You need to congratulate yourself on 6 weeks because this is huge, and maybe your Xmm was emotionally abusive, but you'd never know the damage he may have caused by reading your posts. I think all you needed was some time away from him to realize just how amazing
~Iddy~
(((Bodhi)))
Way to go making it 6wks.
Thanks Mom :)
You asked some really great questions. I'm beginning to see more and more that XAP was a master manipulator. I really can't believe the extent that he is STILL in my head. It doesn't help that he is still driving by and trying to look in my windows as he passes. Why won't he stop?? And you're right - why in the world would a single girl like myself act 150% committed to a man who goes home to his W? Because I kept fooling myself day after day that he would give it back.
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This is where I seem to be stuck. I'm scared to death to put myself out there. I have to figure out how to lose the grip XAP still has on me. It's almost like I can't do anything because I'll prove him "right". Typing that, I know how ridiculous that sounds.
I feel like I have come very far in some ways and it's funny, I always knew that if it ended in this way, that getting him out of my head and not fearing him anymore would be my biggest hurdle. I hoping the more weeks that go by, the easier it will be.
Bodhi
Lillie :)
The one thing I have going for me this time is commitment. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement - it means so much to me. You're right, I can't change the past, but I can make sure that I actually have a future now.
Bodhi
Thank you (((Iddy))))
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That's exactly how I feel right now - like one of those blow up things I had when I was a kid - you punched it and then it would pop back up so you could hit it again. I'm tired of feeling punched.
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I sure did buy into the dream. I have to do some more hard work to find the courage to take the next step in having a life of my own. Step one - refuse to let him still manipulate me when he's not even in my life.
Bodhi
Thanks DAB :)
I've always felt that way too, that everything happens just as it should. I did have a really good cry before I started posting, and as always, just being on EAS right now is helping.
My friend's wedding was a few weeks ago, and it was beautiful. My day started out with a flooded basement and a self-imposed pity party, but by the time I got to the wedding I was better. I felt awesome in my dress, and it was nice to not have to worry about "reporting in" to XAP. Thanks for asking!
Bodhi
I remember reading about your flooded basement but didn't know that was the same day as the wedding.
Way to go, Bodhi!
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