6 weeks now,
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| Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:29am |
hi all,
its been six weeks now since OW ended it all
its been realy hard on me, the pain was so much, now i am upset at OW, the feeling of anger has taken over me, i am indifferent towards her now, i see her at work and i dont feel sad anymore, my anxiety level has gone down, i still think of her but it feels different
i think this is the beginning of the end, the end of my fantasy of her, i feel very strange in a sense that i dont think of her in the same way as before
i guess i had enough of pain, i dont know what happened but i let her have it, i told OW how much pain she put me thru, i still pray at nite that OW will be happy, i feel that she is not happy, she told me that she is just content , i still think what is she doing but i am not obsessing anymore, i dont get jealous thoughts anymore, i just dont think of her like before
anyways, i been helped by wonderful people on this board, i am in now done yet, i am keeping myself busy now and trying to keep my emotional awakening from now sleeping again, i dont want to fall again and if i fall i want to be sure that i will fall where i stand and not fall back anymore
i know it will take time , and time is what i have , i have made simple goals for now, namely being able to sleep, exercise and try to find a hobby, i was thinking of taking up fencing, i been reading a lot about it lately, i just want to rid my life of negative vibes so to speak
with regards to OW, i stay away from her at work as much as possible, i told OW that i dont want to be friends with her, she was actually taken aback since in her emails she still wants to be friends with, she said we can be friends but right now we cannot until i move on, i told her that we will never be friends again, i told her also that she is a LIAR and i dont want to be with one
so here i am, i thought the pain will never stop, i still miss her but i dont feel that loss anymore, i actaully felt sorry for her, she lied to her daughter , and herself, i wish her daughter will be more than her , but all this is not my concern anymore, i have stop caring for OW, i think i still care but in a different way, i included her always in my prayers and ask that she find happiness and love in her life
ok, this is getting long, thanks all,
max
pls return to your regular programming schedule

Max
Is that a bit of a sense of humor I detect in your last line....hum interesting....returning humor is often a indication of healing.
Free
Max
Did you ever read over your old posts here? Wow! You have come so far! You really went thru all the emotions and finally are seeing the sun. It is actually motivating! Like it can be done. I think your many posts thru all your pain and progress really gave many a great picture of what really happens and needs to be done!
SO I must thank you and most importantly congratulate you! I think you have done an amazing job!
Best wishes for continued success and happiness!
Cap, Free, everyone
yes, i knew i was in pain and still in some pain, it makes me sad to read my old post, i been posting before in "my affair" board and even there i was miserable already
i know that the road is stil bumpy but im taking it slow and making sure i dont hit a lot of potholes
so far i been sleeping much better and longer, i am able to get out of the house now on my own free will ... hehehe, i actually want to go out now and dont want to stay home and just think if OW and all the "if" and "what is she doing" right now
IT IS I THAT I MUST THANK YOU and FREE and EVERYONE on this board, its not over yet but i take it one day at a time
sor sure i can see improvements in my outlook and persona, do i still miss her? the answer is yes, i think i am not physically attracted to her anymore, maybe its getting less and less and i actually told her she is not getting any younger (38) and that its her lose ( i was upset at her at that time), i think my anger is going down and it enabled me to see her for what she realy is and what she wants and understood what why she does not want to have an A with me anymore
i told myself that OW is not excited with me anymore, she does not want to deal with this type of stress at work, maybe she found someone else, .... so this are some of the reason i told myself in order for me to move on and not obsess with her ( yes obsess)
so i made short term goals for now, i dont have any long term goals yet but one of them is to maybe fall in love again or maybe meet someone who is SINGLE :)
like is said in some on my recent post " if she want to be with me and if she love/cared for me she would have been with me already and i would not be here, so now i accepted it that she does not want to be with me, her reason, i dont want to think of her reasons anymore, there is no point for me to do so, it will only cause me more pain and sadness
i woke up so early today, well i dont know if u gals/guys are into march madness but i got some mullah on it, GO DUKE !!!!!!
hey Free, i am seeing it already, it hurts like hell but i am doing it, yes it is humor, i actually smiled when i read your post, its is my attempt to humor or sarcasm, it better than me whinning about how painful it is and how sad and lonely i am, yeap still lonely and sad but i have other emotions now too :)
thanks all, as they said, the show must go on
ok , who wrote this
"dream like you live forever, live like u die tomorrow"
Mad Max
GOOOOOOO MAAAXXX! Get it boy. I am so excited for you. You are making such great progress, and it's refreshing. Keep your thoughts positive.
SS
J,
saw OW today and could hear her voice laughing also, usually i get quessy or feel bad, now i just walked away and went to my office, a little bit of anxiety but not as bad as before, i still feel anger towards her although i dont show it to her
i hope this is the beginning, we had a very brief conversation and i thought i was gonna let her have it again( in words i mean) she told me we cannot be friends at all, i just said its ok and i walked away from her
i dont feel so down and out anymore, i still miss her
max
Max
You may not be aware of it but you most likely hit her harder today be agreeing with her and walking away then you did the other day letting loose on her, the fact that you agreed so quickly and cut her loose is going to bug the snot out of her, beware she may be.
Free
Max,
You are an inspiration to me. See? There is life after an A.
I tried Saturday to finally end it with MM, but he was calling from the hospital. His dad was going downhill fast. I had said a lot of things leading up to the words "I don't want to see you anymore", but before I could get them out, he had to go. He called again Monday afternoon to tell me his Dad died Sunday night. Of course, I couldn't say it then. He's out all this week.
When he returns to work, I will tell him. Of course, it will hurt, but I have to tell him.
I know he never intends to leave his W. Good marriage (25 years), they don't fight, he still sleeps with her. She does everything for him. He even told me she's beautiful. He goes out and stays out late and sometimes doesn't even go home. It's been a pattern of his. He's cheated on her in the past and is now with me. He put timelines on us - I'll leave her when my kid is 18 (he's 16 now). I hate the whole situation and know I'm nothing more than just something on the side.
He's a big flirt. Do you know the first time we met at work what he said to me? "If you were to jump my bones, I don't know if I'd be able to resist." That's not flirting - that's a direct invitation to cheat! Big red flag!!!!
I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get into this. I'm mad at myself for putting myself through it. The signs were all there.
I hope I can get to a place where I can get past the hurt and move on too. What the hell were we thinking? We both deserve so much better than this. They get to go back to their lives, what do we have? We thought we would have lives with them. Were we this delusional?
Lets think of it this way - why should we allow them to have this kind of power over us. Do you think they are sitting around as miserable as we are? In the scheme of things, in their lives, we are relatively insignificant. I, for one, refuse to allow MM to make me have one more bad day, or cry one more tear over a person who never cared enough to make me a permanent part of his life. His loss. He doesn't know what he's missing. But I can tell you what his W is missing - a faithful, loving, respectful H who is incapable of appreciating who he has inside his own front door. I feel sorry for her.
Now, is this the person I would really want to end up with in my own life? Probably not.
You hang in there. You sound like a wonderful guy and will find your true love. For you to feel what you feel and express yourself the way you do, I can tell you have a big heart and a huge capacity to still love. Take the time to heal - I believe you will come out of this a better person.
Lots of hugs,
Fire
FREE,
im lovin it hehehehe, hmm i did not realize that actually, today OW talked to me about work and at the end of the conversation she asked me if i already have a gf, i was so shocked why she asked me this, i answered her no and told her what is it to her anyways if i had on and i walked away again
so let me asked u ladies, why did she asked me this question, in my heart i actually want to tell her that i am still in love with her and that i miss her a lot, but then it would serve me any good, so i told her otherwise
i am realy loving this, i think im gonna play her game now( it this sick or what), i actually been feeling good and not sad, i dress more nicely to work now, maybe she noticed that, i am usually a jeans and t-shirt guy but in the last 4-5 day of work i been dressing up, i went shopping last weekend and bought more clothes to dress up
hmmm, i gonna start exercising again, eat right also
so if u ladies have any insights on why OW aske me if i have a gf, i would appreciate the imput
thanks a lot,
max
just want to know why
today OW talked to me about work and at the end of the conversation she asked me if i already have a gf, i was so shocked why she asked me this, i answered her no and told her what is it to her anyways if i had on and i walked away again
so let me asked u ladies, why did she asked me this question, in my heart i actually want to tell her that i am still in love with her and that i miss her a lot, but then it would serve me any good, so i told her otherwise
i am realy loving this, i think im gonna play her game now( it this sick or what), i actually been feeling good and not sad, i dress more nicely to work now, maybe she noticed that, i am usually a jeans and t-shirt guy but in the last 4-5 day of work i been dressing up, i went shopping last weekend and bought more clothes to dress up
hmmm, i gonna start exercising again, eat right also
so if u ladies have any insights on why OW aske me if i have a gf, i would appreciate the imput
thanks a lot,
max