6 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
6 weeks
38
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 8:13am

It's been 6 weeks of NC as of today. I wish I never would have gotten myself in this mess in the first place. I keep trying to look at the positives, and there are a few - mainly everything I've learned about myself. But looking back now, what a colossal waste. 7.5 years of emotional abuse. Why did I put up with it for so long? Accept things that in a "real" relationship I would never, ever accept? Why did I defend myself to a man who is a cheater? Because I kept blaming everything on THE SITUATION. "XAP is only acting like this because of the circumstances." I have to constantly remind myself that HE was the CAUSE of the circumstances. He always, always, always made me feel like I had something to prove to him. He was so incredibly jealous and insecure. If I was doing any innocent thing - going out to dinner with girlfriends, he would make me miserable before I left. Then say things like "We'll see how tonight goes".

I'm proud that I finally got here, but I'm beating myself up for not getting here sooner. Just a little blah this morning - feeling like all the weight of what I let XAP do to me quash me like a pancake.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 8:59pm

Bodhi,

I am late chiming in but they say better late than never...Lady, you have been an assest to this board. In your short time, you are a favorite around here. You are here daily, you respond to just about everyone. I used to do the same. Don' think I was nearly as insightful tho. TU was much like you as well. She was here and we liked her from jump and she just posted daily. Now I read her posts and I smile because she is stellar. I mean amazing. She is an E-1 in the making...I have watched her growth and I am so amazed at her ability to see all angles of every situation. You are much like her in that way. I am sure you will be earning your tweener wings before we know it. Just do not fly off away from the board!

You have survived some major fishing attempts and you seem pretty unaffected by those driveby's. I mean as fresh out as you are. I do not think I could handle that NOW....so kudos to you in more ways than one.

still would love to be a cyber buddy. I am not sure why you can not email me. I will go to my settings and I will email you...that way you have my contact info.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:24pm

(((Luvin)))

Yes, email me and then I'll respond. I'll try you again too. I have to get off the computer in a minute because my son has a friend over and I'm being banished from the living room :)

Thank you so much for your words - I think so highly of all of you, and I'm glad that you feel I asset here. I'm at my computer most of the day and I really feel the need to have EAS open all the time at work right now, to read and to post. Thank goodness I'm self employed! I'd feel like I was stealing from my boss! I can't wait to be far enough along for wings, and I'm not flying anywhere. This board is saving my life and I want to pay it forward.

Bodhi :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:49pm

(((luvin)))

omgoddess woman, you made my night! I have had a hard(er) day today than usual. Nothing to panic about, but some pretty low lows. At one point, I just thought 'what's the point of it all?! I got nothing left to lose'. My H likely isn't coming back and sh&T if I'm ever going to meet someone who can put up with me ... I am just going to check to see if "our" account is still open ...

Well - as Eminem says - Snap back to reality:

So, in my next moment ... i thought to myself "BUCK UP TU! What have you got to lose??!?!? What haven't you got left to lose!?!" and that's when I started to feel myself finding my footing again.

And then to come here to see you have written that Bohdi reminds you of me?! Well, that's more than a freaking honor ... and to be an E1 in the making?! Huh, what?! Now that's about the greatest compliment I have ever received. Thank you.

But you know what? Each of us become the most amazing & unique mosaics of each wise woman & man that comes before us - we are your apprentices. We learn from you the craft of letting go, and re-building selves. Then, when we trust our voices again, we start to share with others how to learn this craft. I consider my TU self, to be the most incredible mixture of all the amazingness here on EAS.

So, it is to you Luvin, and the other vets and tweeners that I owe my new found wisdom. Without you, well, there would just be no way.

And I also owe it to the newbies who come to this board every day - your courage and vulnerability in posting your stories, and your willingness to accept the 'ways' here - well, it inspires me to watch you too transform.

(((GROUP HUG)))

Gosh Bohdi, are you at week 7 yet?

(-:

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/9/2010 9:51 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 9:16am

Bodhi,


I've been on this board long enough to know the "genuine article" when I see it. From your very first email to me, I knew we had a success story in the making. I guess everyone initially perceives things differently, but I saw a woman whose story was so similar to my own, that I knew you were

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 10:09am

Hi Bodhi,


Now this message is REALLY late

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 10:12am

(((Iddy))))

The bond that we all have here on EAS is really amazing. Like you, the vacation threw me over the edge. Just as you were thinking that you'd never been to Vegas and he was taking his W for the 4th time, XAP had JUST said to me that he couldn't wait to look at the ocean with me. Then he takes wifey on vaca - are you f-ing kidding me? Deep breath, it still makes my blood boil when I think about it. More breaths. OK, I just castrated him in my head. We're good now.

Seriously, I feel like a little child learning to walk here. And like I said before, it's such a safe place. We are all surrounded by such a caring, loving, supportive environment with women and men who have all been through what we've been through. There really is incredible goodness in humankind. The fact that we are all virtual strangers, but care so deeply for each other. You are a kindred spirit to me Iddy - the big sis I never had.

Love,
Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 10:35am

Oh me too Iddy & Bohdi!


It was the vacation thing that threw me totally over the edge. It was such a disconnect for me - it was one of the most glaring discrepancies I could see between his actions and his words. 'We' never recovered from that vacation. I started to pull away from him, increased my time with my therapist and started asking my best friend to help me get out - instead of survive within - the affair. I didn't go NC as I didn't find this board until two months later and had no idea how to 'do it'. But it certainly was the beginning of the end. Had I posted that week he was away, I would have sounded full of fogged-up thinking and no one would have thought I was going to make it.


I hope I didn't offend you Bodhi ... I truly believe that each and every person who makes it to this board and stays here, can make it out of the affair.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 10:52am

TU -

Maybe we should invest in a business that sells vacation packages to cheating men so more women can get pissed and leave?!

You didn't offend me at all! I agree with you, anyone who comes here and does what is recommended and sticks around will make it. I think for me, there sheer exhaustion of going through the same thing over and over. I mean really, what is the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? For me it was more like fool me 327,456 times shame on me.

:)
Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 11:00am

Bodhi, Count me in with the posters who thought you would fail but you have come out swinging like a champ. Your posts are amazing. I have one of them printed and placed beside my computer. Your strength has amazed me. I will tell you that I thought you would fail because I thought you were upset that XMM went on vacation with his W and I thought that as soon as he returned he would pull his little tricks of persuasions out of his bag and draw you back

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 11:01am

Thank you NC :)

I know what you mean about keeping up with reading - I have to remind myself sometimes that I need to get work done during the day too.

I'm playing in a golf outing on Friday as a matter of fact! (and no chance XAP will be at this one) I usually shoot in the low 80s. I want to get better. Living in the Midwest, my playing is limited to only about 4 months a year unfortunately!

Bodhi