7 weeks of NC and feeling faint hearted

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
7 weeks of NC and feeling faint hearted
6
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:03pm

I’ve made it through seven long weeks of thinking about, dreaming of and wishing I could talk to my xMM and yet soundly stuck with my NC. His birthday is Friday and suddenly my will power is slipping. I’ve read several posts on this board of those of you who dreaded the impending birthday, and now I find myself thinking that I could just give him a quick call, wish him happy birthday and get off the phone.

Arrghh! The quick phone call has never worked for me, so must be avoided at all costs if I’m ever to recover from this mess I’ve made.

I just wish I could get rid of that lurking feeling of him. Everyday I wonder how he is, what he’s doing, is he happy, does he miss me or think of me EVER?

This birthday has been on my mind for a week. Today I bought a children’s book called “The Trouble with Mister.” Mister was his pet name for his ... well you know. I just laughed and laughed when I read about how the little boy drew a picture of his dog named Mister and then folded him up and put him in his pocket or under his pillow. I was so amused I even thought about SENDING the book to my xMM for his birthday. HELLO! If I’m never speaking to him again, how can I justify sending him a gift? I’m an idiot.

And it annoys me that this A has altered my life. I will never have the same views of my life with my H or myself that I had before. I can never go back to being just me, it will always be me ... (and him).

If I had one chance to turn back time -- but, forward is the only direction available to me now. It just frankly sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 5:37pm

Well, you could call him, and he could answer, and he might tell you how grand his life is now, and how he has moved on and found another and blah blah blah.


Would that cure you?


You are right. It really does suck. You just reminded me I have things I had put away for OM some time ago, things I planned to give him when we got together next. I really should get rid of them.


Oh and right again, things will never be like they were with you and H. But someday, if you set your mind to it, they could be better. Yesterday I bought a little surprise gift for my H. He was sooooo pleased it made me realize how long it had been since I had done that for him.


*hugs*


Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:04pm

Seven Weeks!!!!!! And the thoughts and pain are still so strong!!! I thought that it would get better over time!!!!.

OMG - you must be doing better - tell me it gets better!! My xMM has not made contact with me - this is the 5th day.......and I feel like I am crumbling.......
Please tell me that this will go away.
I cant feel this way for month and months or years.....no.

I think that you have done a tremendous job at NC - it would set you back if you called now.
As much as I am struggling with calling xMM just to leave a message - I keep telling myself............he probably does care, he does miss you....
but if the guy wants to talk to me - he would have called.

Has he tried to contact you? have you not returned his calls/emails etc???

I am conflicted in what to say to you - one because you have been so strong.....two I am right there with you - but mine is so fresh that I all I can think about is that maybe he doesnt care anymore and wishes that I would disapear from his mind.

good luck - donate that book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:18pm

Anna,

Don't panic! It does get better. That first week is by far the hardest.

I am just having an off week. I know his birthday is approaching and it's hard to give up that loving instinct to call him and give him sweet presents, etc. I'm a wife and a mother, when I love somebody -- I love them. It's hard to break those habits.

But it would be even harder to have him reject me again, which has been my strongest motivation for not breaking NC this time. I don't think I will every get over the rejection. I'd rather never see or speak to him again then to ever hear that he just doesn't want me anymore.

He's never tried to call or e-mail me, mainly because I told him not to. I reminded him that the only way I could heal and move on is if I never hear his voice or see his face. So far, he's respected my wishes. I struggle with the NC, but who doesn't right? I just e-mail, call or IM my H when I'm having a hard time. That usually kills the urge right then and there.

I like your idea about donating the book. I read it, it made me smile and now I'll give it to someone else. We will be adopting a family this year, so I'll make that one of the gifts. Thanks for the thought!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:37pm

I am glad that you liked the idea.

I dont have children - and my H and I are agreeing that we care about eachother but we were not ment to be - we will be filing for a D after the Holidays.

If I call him - I could ruin things for him as well as me - right?

Because it is so unuasal for him not to call at least every other day - would it be wrong for me to seek a sort of closure? Just to ask him "will we be having no contact after this call I just made to you - other than the funtions our friends have at the holidays and birthdays...should I expect that you will not be calling me again" " I ask this so that I can try to move on, if I know that you will not be calling, then I would not have a reason to think you would...."

You would understand if you read some of my posts - I have a very very difficult situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 11:41pm


Shel,

7 weeks wow, you are doing a great job. I wish I had the luxury of NC. (sigh) we work together so I still see him. Luckily we don't work in the same department. So, I may go a week or so before I see him again. Thought us just being friends would be okay, he's still harboring a lot of resentments towards me. I hurt him unintentionally, didn't mean to. Anyway, your doing great, we've been split for almost 5 weeks and that is with a little bit of contact, not much but a little. I'm doing okay. I actually felt like being at work yesterday. Had some conflicting emotions today but am okay now. I am a strong girl and I know I can get through this. It hurts immensely but I'm going to be just fine and so are you.

Funny, that you mention a gift though. Was wondering if I should buy him something for Christmas. Goofy, idea huh? Mine was not married, I was married when the A started. Anyway, hang in there!

Susiecutie

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:32am

Shel -

Those birthdays will get ya! I had gone a week w/ NC and slipped up on xOM's bday! We had a nice chat and I felt ok, but then, the very next day, he started the 2am phone calls again. Which just let to more confusion and eventually arguements again.

7 weeks in amazing and so inspiring! I have only been 8 days today w/ NC and look forward to the day when I no longer remmeber how many days/weeks/months/years it has been!

I too have wondered if I will ever be the same person again. The A is life altering and the price we pay for making the mistake. But I think with time, and NC, the big scarlet letter on chest slowly fades and we can once again regain some sanity and normalcy :-)

Diva