The 8 week blahs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
The 8 week blahs
5
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 5:46pm

Wow. I just had a revelation. It’s this: No Contact = No New Hurts. This means I actually have the power to stop from getting hurt by this a-hole. By actually religiously sticking to No Contact.


Will it stop me from obsessing about all the other times he hurt me in the recent past? About why he just doesn’t give a crap about me anymore? How how he could so easily dispose of me? How he could be so hot one minute/cold the next? No, No Contact will just keep me from piling more junk on top of an already large mountain of wounds and hurts.


It’s been eight weeks today since he ended it. Eight weeks of hell for me. I work with xAP- and get to observe daily how great he’s doing. I get to have his new GF, my replacement, rubbed in my face by overhearing conversations (cubicles next to each other) about her to his work buddies. I just had to endure him telling a co-worker about their trip to Miami.


He’s fished, then gone cold the moment he senses I might still be interested. He gets an ego boost from "causually" inserting his plans with GF into a work conversation. I have learned to cut it off, look/walk away before he can see the pain on my face. But he let me know this week that he "understands." WTF??? Understands what? I haven’t shared anything with him. He has no clue what a low life a__ I think he his. He is soooo overconfident. He thinks he’s adorable. The flirt that everyone loves. So witty. So funny. What a great guy. I think he’s sh__.


I feel like I should be further along by now...but realize my Low Contact has REALLY slowed the acceptance that the A is over. I am having a very hard time re-conditioning myself to believe and accept that IT IS OVER. Little twinges of hope keep creeping in every time he gives me an ounce of attention - even if it’s completely work related. I struggle with not finding a reason to text him, even though it’s a "work" subject. I know I’m really just looking for an excuse to contact him. I’ve done this four times in eight weeks. EVERY TIME it has led to me feeling hurt.


The only progress I’ve seen is that the gut-wretching, searing pain has dulled into a bitterness and depression. I find is physically impossible to smile. My body is worn down from the stress. I’ve been battling constant colds and severe skin infections. The withdrawal from an A isn’t pretty for the one who cares the most.


However, I am finding some progress/comfort in gaining more control over my impulsive behaviors such as texting or calling him (I underline "behaviors" because my thoughts are another story...). I have learned these cravings can be controlled and curbed with distractions. A couple of things that have really worked for me is 1) an exercise video, and 2) doing my nails/deep conditioning my hair/body scrub. The motivation to exercise is getting harder for me, though. In the beginning, Iwas so angry and channeled that anger into working out. Since the depression has set in, all I want to do is chain smoke and have a glass of wine. I just don’t have any energy these past two weeks.


I wish I could be more uplifting and enlightening for the others who are just starting out. But the truth is, cutting off a two year very intensely emotional/physical union has been just horrible for me. I am realizing how very co-dependent I was on this guy for WAY-too-much. I should never, ever be this dependent on anyone else for my emotional well being.


The only comfort I get from all this pain is knowing I never, ever want to go through this again...there’s a reason why it hurts so much. To teach a lesson not to be easily forgotten or repeated. NC = NNH.


Wishing you peace this weekend.


Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
In reply to: misty_70
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 7:50pm

Misty,


I wish that I had more time to respond to this but.... I too have been in LC with XMM and it just sucks!!! He and I were so close and shared so much about one anothers life that he knows how to get to me. He knows what to say to be a jerk. Its so hard to see them move on like we mattered nothing while we struggle each and every day to just make it through with out falling into a crying, sobbing mess.


Get your strength back, cut yourself some slack. It takes awhile to move forward. I too walk/run for exercise and just dont feel like it most days. Instead of seeing that as just one more area where I am suffering, I try to see it as I deserve a break. Ive gone through a lot and if I dont feel like working out then Im not going too, and thats OK. Its OK to take a half mile stroll rather than my 5 mile run. I had to smile when I saw you do your nails to get your mind off XAP. I here ya there for sure. Never been one to do my nails but I have indulged in a recent pedicure and plan on buying every single OPI color that catches my eye. Its ok to cut yourself some slack, you need it.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
In reply to: misty_70
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:35pm

Hi Misty...


I am almost 6 weeks in and he ended it. It happened totally out of the blue...he just stopped and I have yet to know why, what happened and I asked a few times the first week or two through txt and msn with no response...silence. He was always hot and cold...I've accepted that over the past 7 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But more hot than cold recently...then BANG, it is over. I am on day 39...I know exactly what you are going through, if I had wisdom yet, I would share it, but unfortunately I am feeling as you are in this post. I have resisted txting, msg'ing, calling etc.... but check the FB on a regular basis and cause myself enormous amounts of pain. After that long...how could he just drop me like that??????? My thoughts have not changed, but am able to control my urges...that is a step right? He is so not worth is and a total selfish a---hole but it doesn't stop the pain I am feeling. Hang in there...I hope I can give advice some day...and you can offer it back. Day at a time...


"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: misty_70
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 6:22am

(((misty)))


I wish I was there with you now to share a bottle

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: misty_70
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 10:39am

Oh honey, I sooooo feel your anguish. I was there - three times. (the 3rd ending stuck!) The only difference is that my Xmm never "openly" got involved with another woman. Fortunately we work in a very small office, with me being the only woman there. I know he was having an emotional A online with someone long distance after our final ending,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
In reply to: misty_70
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 5:23am

All,

I've been out of town for a long weekend and couldn't respond to all of your very kind posts until now. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of what happened to you and offering support! I really appreciate the cyber hugs. This is such a lonely journey - I have not confided in anyone other that you all.

I have definitely thought that finding other employment is the only way I'm truly going to get this behind me. I have prayed that his job searching (over a yr now) will lead to him leaving...now I wonder if it will matter? I will still be surrounded by all the memories that drag on. I have started looking but there are so few jobs available in my field.

Hopefully, in time, like you suggest, the memories and my surroundings won't bother me as much. I am just so very tired of hurting. So tired of being tired (chronic insomnia)...just drifting along on my raft riding the waves for now...

xoxo,
Misty