A is 9 weeks NC, now to end M?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
A is 9 weeks NC, now to end M?
3
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 7:48am

Hi All,


Well, we all are guilty of having an A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 8:34am

Hi confused,


I can see where youre coming from. I kicked my H out during my A, so certain that he was not the one that I wanted. XAP left and within 6 weeks H was moved back in. I really examined why I let him move back in, and asked myself if this M was something I really wanted. I couldnt sort through all my feelings so I decided to just let things be for awhile and see where it goes. 5+ months later , hes still here and we're getting better.


I dont believe that 9 weeks NC is long enough to heal...well it wasnt for me because in many ways Im still healing, still figuring out why the A happened, Im still digging deeper in my emotions. As far as your M goes, only you can really answer that question, but one thing I do know for sure is that if you want your M to work its going to take alot more than 9 weeks to make that happen.


People change, grow apart and often strangers live together under a word called M. Do you want to get to know your H again?, do you want to open that door to him? Most importantly do you want to make this work? If you are not sure then I suggest not to do anything until you know in your heart of hearts that this is something you want to end.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 9:29am

I've been divorced and even though I really wanted the D, it was a hard row to hoe. I would suggest that, unless your H makes you insane and stressed, that you take a little (a lot) longer to focus all of your energy on yourself, your healing, consider getting IC and so forth. A divorce will be a big upheaval for you and your family, even if the kids are in there 30s, and you really need to stay focused right now on taking care of you - not dealing with D fallout.

It's hard to be calm and circumspective when you're in a state of flux, anger and stress. Please try to be patient; your time will come.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 12:24am

I'm 18 months post D after 23 year M. The A gave me the push I needed to leave the M. It had been pretty bad for 10 years...and honestly only had a few good times. When I accepted his hotel key and used it for the first time, my last tie to my M ended. It was absolutely clear to me that for me to do something so outside my values and integrity was screaming at me to save myself from being destroyed by my M.


Although I'm pretty jaded about M in general, you said you liked your H but you weren't sure about that. Can I recommend that you start there? Do you talk? Is he okay to go to dinner with. Basic stuff.


D is really, really hard and there is no magic waiting on the other side. Yet in my case there was sanity, health, and safety so it was worth it. Yes, I had the A and oh yes I loved that man. Ended physical side 11 days ago. Contact is greatly reduced (live on opposite coasts so it's a lot easier for me than others on the board). He keep trying. Heck he's addicted too.


The real damage that I'm now facing down is that euphoric, addictive love that isn't real. The honeymoon every 6 weeks. Love notes, love poems, sending a book that he knew I'd enjoy. He courted me hard for over 2 years.


When we find ourselves in a vulnerable place because M isn't meeting our needs, it shouldn't be a surprise that we enter an A. What I refuse to do is get stuck here. I'm trying to love myself and know myself at a