9 weeks of NC - still healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
9 weeks of NC - still healing
4
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 6:53pm

Yep, 9 weeks. I can't believe it.

I still feel like I should be further along in my healing, and I can't understand why I'm not.

I have done everything right. And yet, I still... every day, look at my email (the secret one that only he knew about), I still check my phone for texts. Nothing. NOTHING. I'm happy that he hasn't contacted me, but deep down, I'm also very sad.

I find myself thinking about him every day. Even when I was on vacation with my family a couple of weeks ago. And we all had a really good time. But xAP still lingers on my mind.

I want to know why he isn't calling me. What did I ever do wrong? I want to know how he could toss me, toss what we had, in the trash and not give it a second thought?

I know, I know... it doesn't matter why. It was never real, anyway. My brain knows the drill, it really does. It's my HEART that just doesn't get it. My head and my heart are at war.

My head knows it's over and is just fine with that. My head reminds me of all the lousy things about xAP and the whole A in general. My head reminds me of my H and my children, who never found out what a selfish liar I was for four years. My head reminds me of all the times during the A that I was hurt, felt used, felt like I was constantly fighting a losing battle.

My heart, on the other hand, is still broken. It still tells me that the love was real. That xAP loved me in his own way. That he does miss me and think about me. That we are meant to be together, and if I can just hold out, the stars will align one day and it will happen. My dreams will come true, and we will live happily ever after in a fantasy land.

Ugh... my moniker should have been Snow White or Cinderella. My heart does everything but sing to squirrels, birds and bunnies. Isn't that what you are supposed to do to make your dreams come true??

I don't think about calling him or trying to get in touch. I am way to terrified of rejection. Isn't that pathetic?

I'm sorry ya'll... I know you've heard it all before, I probably sound like I'm just whining. But I had to get this out somewhere.

9 weeks. I just want to scream it. 9 weeks.

Thank you, my friends, for listening.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 7:13pm
Hi Angel! I could have written your post word for word... only I know there was no "love" there and mine was about 7 years! (5 PA). I am on 108 days of NC... and the POSITIVE part of that is we are still here, we are still healing, we are not exactly where we would like to be in this LONG process, but we are here! We have remained strong in our resolve... even if it is not exactly for the reasons we want (the not wanting rejection). Sad thing isn't it? When we have already been rejected. We don't need more of this. We shouldn't want more of it, we are better than that. Focus on your H and family. Time will heal this... promise. Huge hugs on this journey and know you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 7:31pm

Angel,


Oh, girl, I know how you feel!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:12pm

Healing and Swimming,

Thank you girls, for taking the time to remind me that I am not alone in this journey. Sometimes it's really hard to believe that there are other women out there, normal women with real lives, who fell victim to the same A trap that I did.

How did we get so sucked in? How did we allow ourselves to become so consumed by the fog?

I just watched some TV with my kids. I really, really enjoyed spending time with them. Talking, laughing, cutting up, etc. These are the things in life that matter. The quality time that I spend with them. But then it's over, and it's bed time, and here I am, and I continue to think about xAP.

*sigh* yes, things are better today at 9 weeks than they were at 1 week. I will continue to stay strong and count the days and weeks until one day, maybe it won't matter any more.

Until then, I have my sisters here on EAS who understand me, and who care. Thank you for that. I wish we could all go out for a drink sometime!!

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 11:22am

Hi Angel-


Congrats on 9 weeks. That is such a huge accomplishment. Please don't put a damper on it by thinking about what you haven't accomplished. We all heal at different paces... and it really does take time. We can't rush it. I turned a corner at about 100 days (so 14 weeks). I was dissapointed when I hit 90 days and wasn't magically better, but I just kept plugging along, holding myself accountable, self-protecting, and all that stuff and it started to get better. You will get there. It certainly does take time and as long as you keep moving forward, the light at the end of the tunnel will get brigther and brighter.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/