90 days later...
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| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:33am |
So I guess we could conclude that things are looking up a bit.
I still feel intense emotions, though. I mean, I feel really happy that I've been able to keep NC for 90 days and that my M is getting better every day. I just still have feelings of sadness mostly due to the void XMM left in my life. I'm trying to fill the void constructively, by spending more quality time with my H and kids, taking better care of me, and getting more things done around the house. I'm also trying to ACKNOWLEDGE the void and face it head on, rather than trying to cover it up with new shoes or chocolate.
I feel on the threshold of a significant step in my healing process. I can't explain exactly what that means, just that I'm feeling more of a nostalgia when I think of XMM, like he's not a part of my present, day-to-day life. Almost like he's an old boyfriend from high school (which I graduated from 25 years ago!!!!) Yes, to you young'uns out there, old ladies like me also have A's!!!!
I don't know. I feel like renting the movies The Bridges Of Madison County or the Summer of '42 or Splendor in the Grass. That kind of longing "pit" in acknowledging the beauty of something that's over like the women in those movies did. I used to do alot of writing from my gut. Sometimes just to "get it out," but I do have some published works. I feel poetic, like I could capture this pit in my stomach and put it down on paper so that other women living through the end of a relationship could identify in the way I identified with Francesca in The Bridges...
Hope you are all moving forward in your processes as well...Love, Mo.


I'm glad that you've been able to be strong for the last 90 days, and that definitely deserves some celebrating! Have you thought of treating yourself to something special? I must admit it also made me feel down at the possibility of still feeling this sadness in three months. I don't know why I was thinking I would be "better" by then, I guess it was just wishful thinking. I was just wondering if in the beginning after your A ended, was it hard to get the motivation to do things? Did you go through a period of where you kind of sheltered yourself from "living" because it was just to painful? That's what I feel like I'm doing right now. Making yourself start living again is really hard. Would like to hear your experience if you want to share.
I thought it was excellent.
Mo, it is always helpful to me to come here and read about successes. So, thanks for posting about your 90 days mark! I am closing in on the 6 month mark of the end of the A; I know 6 months ago I had no idea I would still be struggling this far out, but I feel like I am growing into a stronger and better person for all of this. Sometimes that feeling of nostalgia you are talking about hits me the wrong way, because it saddens me to have to accept that XMM is a part of my PAST. But he was a huge part of my life for 6 years, I guess I should not have expected to get over him overnight.
The good news is, had a great weekend and the week is off to a good, XMM-free start! :)
I have been so busy w/ work these days I havent had much time to check in. A good and bad thing I guess. I think its great that you hit the 90 day mark and that you are tackling this head on. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!! I often push things in the back of my mind to deal w/ things and that definitely is not the way to go, so I think its great for you!
I know its hard when we begin to reminisce. Try to stay focused on the positive things around you. You are doing so well. It sounds like things are getting better w/ your M and of course your kids are always a wonderful source to keep your mind happily occupied. Busy career and you are focusing on YOU! I think all that combined is quite a bit to focus on. I think we hang on to the excitement and danger that the A's brought us. A break from the monotonous routine life we sometimes fall into, one might say.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and wanted to send you some hugs and kisses. KEEP STAYING STRONG! You are an inspiration to many of us "youngins" (just kidding...LOL).
xo!