aaaah I get this NC thing now...!
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| Fri, 09-03-2010 - 4:40am |
So I deleted XMM from my phone- check; blocked texts from coming through- check; deleted from FB- check; IM- ooops forgot to do that. Well I think I know why you say block and walk. I signed into IM a few days ago and was chit chatting with friends and who signs in XMM. O_ M_ G!!!! I got this over whelming feeling come over me. Almost like paralysis.. it was awful. My heart raced; started crying; my hands were shaking I couldnt type. Although I did not speak to him and he did not speak to me I was so upset to see him on. You see he goes on to chat with OOW!!! FOR SURE!!! My mind was going in all directions. How he is happily flirting with all these ladies. I did not sleep for a couple of nights. I missed him and I wanted him again. Well... after an hour of torturing myself by staring at his online status I deleted the last bit of connection I have/ had to him. I was sooooo upset almost like thats it! I did it and its OVER! Which it was anyway. He is not on so at least I wont see when he is on and at least I wont know if he ignores me. I wont give him the chance to ignore me. I hate the hurt.
Why did he not want to talk to me anymore? All that is going on and around my brain. My heart is in so much pain. Am I that easily replacable? Kicked my worth to the ground. well that is what it felt like :-(
SO NC does equal NO NEW HURTS!!! I finally get it!

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Good for you...the important thing is that you have realized that contact with him will only cause you more hurt.
Hi LX cubed
It is soooo true... each avenue of communication will bring a hurt of some kind... whether that be viewing photos, re reading emails, old txts, revisiting old haunts
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Live,
Oh how I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. Here I see him every day at work but he was rarely online in the evenings so I thought I was safe when I chatted with my friends. One night he popped up in the list and my heart started racing and I got sick to my stomach. Immediately I deleted him from my list. It was my way of saying, "How dare you invade my space!" Shortly after that I deleted AOL and opened a new account in Yahoo, letting my family and friends know my new email addy. I stopped using AOL at work too. He never said anything, (he likes to bury his head in the sand anyway),
~Iddy~
LOL at luddites
But at first I really thought NC was just about not talking to him. Thats all. But I then realized that even just having him pop in like that "HURT" like H-e-double hockey sticks!!! He hurt me and he didnt do anything .. he was just there! Big NO NO to keep anything that represents your A!!! Now on to phase 2!
Oh those memories and triggers..they are a killer UGH!!!! With time I am in hopes it wont have the same impact it does on us today!!
Thanks Iddy for making my craziness not seem so crazy afterall!!! I hate that he has that effect on me. But like you said DELETE DELETE DELETE.. As long as I have him BLOCKED he cant hurt me! I am almost glad in an odd sorta way.. I realized that I cant even have him around (whichever way that is) even a percentage! Has to be all or nothing!
Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it!
lxlxlx,
I'm really glad you posted this. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain, especially since you didn't intentionally sign up for it. It IS, though, an excellent reminder to all that diligent house-cleaning is so important. One shouldn't neglect to delete all avenues of contact with Xs; make sure your NC Lifeboat has NO holes in it, ykwim? Diligent house-cleaning goes for trashing everything that is laying around that will cause a painful trigger, as well. Clean out that hard drive, delete all those email, photos, and whatnot. I was a few months out of my A when I remembered a forgotten flickr account. Oy. That sucked. I wish I'd deleted it way back in the beginning when everything else got chucked - going through the pain/anxiety of deleting is best done in one fell swoop!
Keep on keeping on. Today is new day!
Best,
Dee
Awe thank you Dee.. today is a new day and good news is.. although I am hurting like CRAzy I dont have those destructive thoughts like "who is he talking to?" why isnt he talking to me?" etc. I drove myself NUTS! I feel good that I dont see any of that. Out of sight out of mind! Funny thing is even one month out and I saw him on it took ALOT to click on that delete button. So glad I did :-)
I hope I didnt forget anything else LOL.. I think I sealed all those holes!
Live...thanks for posting!
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