About the Ambivalence Article

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
About the Ambivalence Article
10
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 4:56pm

I really loved that article, and so much of it rang true. But it makes me sad too, and here is why:


I am dealing with, and have been dealing with for a year or two now, whether or not to stay in my marriage. I am married to a man who is caring, thoughtful, loves me at my worst, a good father and provider...the list goes on. I married him young, he was 8 years older than me. He was successful and wanted to take care of me. At the time, that's what I needed. My mother died when I was 14 and my dad remarried right away and moved in with her about 1/2 an hour away, so I had to live with my older sister to stay in my school district. He was right for me at the time. There was never fireworks, my father basically told me I was crazy if I didn't marry him, because I failed out of college at 19 and needed someone who could support me. I thought my dad could walk on water at the time and took his advice. He was a smart choice, and still is that dedicated man who is completely in love with me.


Here is why I am sad - if you listen to the article - my dad was right and I should stay with him. The thing is, I have changed so much the last few years, and I went back to school, graduated, finally "grew-up" and can take care of myself. Now my H doesn't seem like a good match for me. He wants to keep me under his wing and protect me, and doesn't really like it now that I have a job and go out with my work friends a lot. He lets me, but we are dealing with a huge role-reversal here. We have two kids, so I am not doing anything soon, but I can't help but think you have to have some passion and some

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 7:14pm

Hi, I'm new here, so I don't know your whole story, so sorry if I miss something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:17am

So Im going to be the black sheep here.

I dont totally agree with this article. Its essentially telling us to love with heads and not with our hearts. I believe love comes from the heart. Yes there are situations where we MUST ignore our feelings for the better good of ourselves. But if we all started loving with our heads love would be nothing but like an arranged marriage. Picking our spouses from what kind of work they do, how much money they make, what they look like ect....it would be based on what they look like on paper. And really, if we ALL loved with our heads we would be where most of us are now, stuck in a 'marriage' where we are not happy and then stray into an A.

Love is the greatest feeling the lord has given us, love does conquer all things and can move mountains. We dont choose who we love, its a feeling not a thought process. If we do end up loving someone who isnt healthy for us then its up to our minds to do whats best for us. But to say you should always love with your head and not your heart seems to be setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.Its our hearts that do the loving not our minds.

Livefortoday,many of us know exactly how your feeling and I wish I had the answers for you. The only advice I can give you is you cant make a rational decsion about your M when youre just ending an A, wait a few months when your head is much more clear to make life changing choices.

DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:36am

Hi Livefortoday-

I can relate to how you are feeling... and I agree with DM that we can't live our lives loving with our heads... our hearts are too strong and we have to follow them some times. During my A I was very ambivalent about my M and told my H that- now I realize it was all due to the fog of the A, but at the time, my H bought me a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." You can read more about it here: http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

Like I said, he gave this to me to read in the thick of my A, but I did read it, although with a jaded mind, and it had some really good stuff in there to help those who are struggling with the decision to stay or leave. I am not a HUGE proponent of self-help books, but this has a lot of relevant material. Maybe it can help you. I've reread it since ending my A, with my newfound clarity about that situation and my M, and without a doubt, the book helped me realize that my M is in fact too good to leave. I am not suggesting that you rely solely on a book to give you answers, but it does force you to be honest with yourself.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:38am

Thank you both for your wise words...it will be interesting to see if we get anymore comments or feedback. DM-You feel just like I do, and I don't want to give up that hope that we can fall madly and passionately in love with someone who is right for us, heart AND head in agreement. I love my husband for how he has treated me and what he has done for me though, so I love him with my head, but not my heart. I don't want to make a big mistake and leave him only to end up alone or with someone who doesn't treat me right. However, and I have learned this about myself, the thought of being alone isn't scary to me anymore - and I won't put up with someone treating me poorly either. I did that waaay too long in my affair.


I am fairly new out of my affair - about two months but he broke NC two weeks ago and set me back a little. (Ok - a lot!) So I will not make any decisions for some time.


Take care all...thank you onajourney and DM - (((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:46am

Hi Jane -


Love your blog...I look at it every day. We were on the same EXACT days NC until he contacted me two weeks ago.


I've read that book - but it was about a year ago, and I wasn't in a good frame of mind then, so maybe a will break it out again. He doesn't know I have it, so I have to kind of sneak it. It IS really a great book - and I do clearly remember reading that IF there was passion and heat at some point STAY and try to get it back. But if there never really was - then leaving may be best. It's just a huge leap to take and I am not ready, just contemplating. Just last night my husband told me he wouldn't want to grow old with anyone else but me, craziness and all! It is so sweet - but it still doesn't change the fact that I have been living with out the passion for my whole life - with the exception of the past year with xAP. God I miss him


Thanks Jane! I like the Sadness article too...I find it hard to climb out of that place, torturing myself over and over again envisioning him and his wife together, happy as can be. They are fairly newly married, only a year and a half, so I guess I assume they are still in their honeymoon phase. See? I torture myself.


TAKE CARE - I LOVE your dog - great dane, right? I had a St. Bernard for years...I love big dogs. Now I have a smaller one that is a lap dog (still 25 lbs) but they are such a comfort, aren't they?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:58am

Thanks for the kind words about my blog... it's been a very therapeutic ritual for me- writing down my feelings each day- and I've really enjoyed the connections it's given me to so many other women going through this. I have a few "email" pals now and the mutual support is nice to have.

I do remember that part of the book about passion and thought that same thing. I talked to my H about it (and many other parts of the book), to recall if we had ever had that passion... and we found that we did. So, that gave me hope that we can find it again. On the other hand, I've read many articles about the stability and comfort of mature love, which is much different than the "passionate" love of the honeymoon stage. I don't think that kind of love can be sustained... maybe I am wrong. But I think it would be exhausting. Sometimes boring is good... or at least I am learning to appreciate the steadfast nature of my H's devotion and trying hard not to compare it to the thrill and excitement of the A. Oh- I've also read, I think Iddy said it, that you should not make any decisions about your M till you are 6 months out of your A. By that time, the fog should be lifted and you can think more clearly- look at your M objectively without the influence or hope of the A.

Yes- I have 2 Great Danes... they are the loves of our lives. I can't imagine what we'd do without them.

Hang in there!

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 9:09am

Jane-


I just read your blog about this time of year being when everything started up. Me too, not only did our A's end at the same time (same day even) but ours started at the same time too! It is so hard to have all the triggers...he is a big baseball fan, the weather, last Easter's e-mail to me ("Happy Easter my little bunny")

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 2:19pm

Hello LFT,

I can feel your pain on every single level. I too married at 21, my husband 24. We had kids immediately. I came from a very unstable home, cheating father, alcoholic mother then divorce. My H was my new dad, so-to-speak. He was my comfort, safety, best friend. However, there was never any passion. But we built our family and went through the motions of raising them in a so-called "happy" home. I never wanted them to feel the pain I felt as a child, so I put my needs aside for 26 years. When the kids all left home I felt such loneliness. Hence, the A.

I don't have to tell you about the kind of passion and emotional highs I experienced. The first time in my entire life I felt alive and whole. Of course there was also the pain that came from guilt and not knowing if my xap loved me as much as I him even though he told me he did.

I ended the A many times only to go back. It was him who ended it last so it was easier for me not go back because I never wanted to appear too needy. That was a year ago, however, we would have lunch dates every so often to "catch up". The last one was Jan 13th. I had to end those in order to heal properly. So I have had NC since then.

I'm trying so hard to realize what I could have lost had I continued in the A. I too struggle with the idea that I love my H with my head and not my heart. He is such a devoted father, H, and grandpa. How could I destroy our family just because I want passion??? So what I'm trying to do is fix "me". I'm trying to develop an understanding of mature love, safe love, devoted love, unconditional love. I truly believe that over time the hot and heavy passion in a relationship wanes and settles into something like what I have with my H.

I also know from seeing my friends who have divorced in their 40's and are now in the dating game, that good men are rare. Not that you need a man, but for me, I would need to have someone to share my life with. I couldn't imagine my children having to accept someone new at this point.

So I write this to you to let you know that I am in the same position. Life is all about choices as you know, and for me I have made the choice to be happy where I am, to make the most out of my life and to realize I am the matriarch of my family trying to leave a legacy for my kids. I want them to know that our primary relationship with our spouses is the most important, even more important than the relationship we have with our kids, because that is what gives them their foundation. When we bring kids into this world, we have a responsibility to lead them and be an example.

So sorry if this sounds preachy, all just my humble opinion. Please continue to post these feelings. So many of us are in the same boat.

Love, AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 4:17pm

AAI -


Our stories are so similar. I, too, just married a "dad". Same boat, except my kids are younger than yours, 10 and 12. I relate to everything you said, however, I am staying for now. Not sure if I will stay or go, but I am trying to enjoy life even though I miss that passion so much.


Another thing I wanted to comment on, is how you said he broke it off last (after you had a bunch of times) then you continued to have lunch to catch up once in a while. Why did he end it? I think mine did for 2 reasons 1-he was starting to feel guilty and 2-I think he saw how it was affecting me. But, same thing...I had ended a few times, then he did. That's the one that stuck because we can't be THAT girl. But we are at a point now where we say we will have lunch once in a while to catch up. We haven't yet - I am waiting for him to initiate it, but I wonder if it will be really hard for me. Sounds like you couldn't do it. How did you tell him that? Did you go complete NC and block?


Thanks for your perspective. It's hard to come to terms with the reality that we will never experience that kind of passion again. But I guess we wouldn't be too happy in the long run if we knew we didn't make the right choice for our kids. Crazy as it sounds I still wish I had the A back sometimes, but then I think about how bad a D-Day would be and thank my lucky stars that didn't happen! I also have friends in their 40s tell me the same thing, that there really aren't many good men out there, and if you decide to leave, better be happy to be alone because you may be. Ughh....this is very tough.


Thanks and (((HUGS)))



LFT

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 5:22pm

To answer your question about why he ended it. First of all, I am quite a bit older than him. In the beginning, he said he'd do anything to have me, including adopting kids, since I'm no spring chick. I think after a while he realized he really wanted a family of his own one day, but was scared to tell me that so he would use other reasons which were actually quite valid, like my kids would never accept him and that I would end up hating him for helping to break up my family. The "catch up" lunches ended because he said it was too painful for him. "He couldn't do it anymore". I never did block him from my cell phone, but I know he is seriously trying to heal and wants me to do the same. I know that I won't contact him and I pray everyday that he'll stick to it as well. I'm sure he will. Guys seem to be so much stronger about that. Please let me know how you're doing. It does get so much easier with time.

AAI