About that "anniversary" thing
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About that "anniversary" thing
| Thu, 02-17-2011 - 5:27pm |
Tomorrow marks the one year "anniversary" of one of our weekend trysts. For those of you who don't know, my A was long distance and we got together four times in our year-long A, so remembering our get-togethers is very easy and the memories carry extra heavy weight. We were in the height of our A from Sept 09 to Feb 10. This weekend a year ago was particularly intense.
I'd like to be able to say I didn't even realize this is an anniversary weekend, but unfortunately, that is not the case.
The good news is that the memory is much like a clothing tag poking you in the back--I know it's there but it doesn't hurt; it's just annoying.
In the four months since ending, I have put an enormous amount of energy into healing myself. Through T I have learned a great deal about myself and why being with him felt validating. Unquestionably I was using him and the feelings I got from the A to fill a long-time void. I have also learned that filling a hole with mud is only a temporary fix and the hole is still there. So now I am working on filling that void with more concrete material (pun intended).
I remain ever so grateful for finding EAS and my beautiful cyber buddies who had faith in me and would not let me fail this time. I owe my strength and sanity to you all.
I am not at indifference, but I'm damn close. ;-)
Much love,
Alwayst
I'd like to be able to say I didn't even realize this is an anniversary weekend, but unfortunately, that is not the case.
The good news is that the memory is much like a clothing tag poking you in the back--I know it's there but it doesn't hurt; it's just annoying.
In the four months since ending, I have put an enormous amount of energy into healing myself. Through T I have learned a great deal about myself and why being with him felt validating. Unquestionably I was using him and the feelings I got from the A to fill a long-time void. I have also learned that filling a hole with mud is only a temporary fix and the hole is still there. So now I am working on filling that void with more concrete material (pun intended).
I remain ever so grateful for finding EAS and my beautiful cyber buddies who had faith in me and would not let me fail this time. I owe my strength and sanity to you all.
I am not at indifference, but I'm damn close. ;-)
Much love,
Alwayst

Always :)
I love your "began my personal search and rescue mission" tag!! Keep putting that energy into yourself. Tomorrow, let those thoughts come in your head, and flow right out - don't let them get JAMmed inside (ha). I've posted this before - when my kids are having stressful issues, I tell them to picture the thoughts on a string going in one ear, through their brain and out the other ear. It really helps to visualize the thought and to not dwell on it. You'll be fine tomorrow because you chose YOU. :)
Bodhi
((((ALWAYS)))))
Yep, the memories are there but that is ok.
Hey Alwayst,
I hear you loud and clear. I agree because the frequency of meetings were less it makes it easier for the mind to remember those few so well. At least for me! As you know I just went through the "anni" of one of my most intense meetings with xAP.
I am glad that you are as far out as you are, and that you have worked so hard on finding yourself and the questions to why this happened, and are so clear headed on how important it is to never go there again. That will help making it through it much easier IMHO.
I agree with Bodhi, don't try and fight the thoughts but let them pass freely through. I have used her technique she explained and it really does help to actually visualize the thoughts moving through.
I like your analogy of the clothing tag poking you. However, for me, and you may agree, that now the we are far enough out of the fog to see these "annis" for what they are....memories of horrible decisions we made for ourselves without regard to anything or anyone else...It is like the clothing tag is laying right on top of a scab that is from a wound that is self inflicted. So that each time the tag scratches its not so much the wound that bears the focus of the agitation, nor the knife that made the cut....but rather it is disappointment in the person that wielded the knife that causes the annoyance. And to that matter I can just say this....don't get caught up in who you were then, but rather focus on how much work you have done and where you are standing NOW. I know, easier said than done...but I am working hard to take my own advice.
And I am sure you know, but we are ever so grateful for you finding EAS as well. Your place here is solidified in caring and compassion. And your strength and sanity in fact is all owed to YOU....all we did is held up a mirror so you could see it in a reflection. :)
Much love and warm hugs. Sending "passing" vibes your way tonight and tomorrow.
peace, light & hope
Foggy
Edited to add two things I forgot:
1)
Always, Anniversaries are kind of like trail markers, aren't they? There's no hiding how far we have come (or how far we have to go) when we reach one. Sounds as though you're doing a wonderful job of filling that void with
like that clothes tag:) I again take strength and courage from your post, thank you always:)
You've received some remarkable responses. What an intelligent and witty bunch you all are. ;-)
Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents and remind you that you aren't anything close to being the same person you were last year at this time. As a matter of fact, you are so far down the road now that all you can see is a little black dot that represented that "point" in your life. After tomorrow, it will simply go "poof" and that will be that. ;-)
I can't say enough of how proud I am of you, and for all the work you've been doing on yourself. Your determination to "be all that you can be" (that sounds familiar :-) leaves no doubt in my mind just how special you are.
Love and hugs,
Thank you my dear friends for your supportive words and encouragement. You are THE BEST!!
(((Iddy))) Thank you for the Mama Bear hug. I needed that from you. It's been a while and, well, sometimes I'm still a little needy.