About NC!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
About NC!
12
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:01pm
I ended my A back in September, I was a regular around here for awhile and it proved to be one of the smartest things I could have done to get over the most emotionally painful experience of my life.

I know that I am gonna catch a lot of slack for this, but I wanna say it anyhow; I maintained NC for a long time, painful as it was. I kept my distance as best I could, worked through some issues, allowed myself to heal, and something happened; My OM and I have actually become real, normal friends.

I must admit, I was very uncomfortable with the whole NC issue to start with. I have never in my lifetime had what I viewed as a "bad breakup", I was always able to salvage whatever friendship was there to start with. I thought, what makes an A any different? Why can't we eventually become friends again?

Everyone said it was not possible. So I functioned under the assumption that everyone was right, a clean break is absolutely essential for success. But I have since realized something; in a lot of ways, NC was just a patch to me, a way for me to temporarily avoid the temptation until I became strong enough to deal with it. For me to succeed, and to go on living life KNOWING that I would never go back and that it was not what I wanted for myself EVER again, I had to be able to overcome it, with or without temptation present.

I feel with all of my heart that I have overcome it. I won't go back because I can't go back; I can't ever feel such utter despair, such complete hopelessness again. I cannot ever again misuse the trust of my husband, a good and loving man. I cannot allow myself to fall back into such a whirlwind of emotions, where I never knew what exactly it was I was feeling. NO MATTER how much I am tempted, I firmly believe that I have gained the strength and the wisdom to know that this path is really, truly a dead end road and I will never again willingly put myself through such turmoil again.

For those reasons, I have accepted my friend back into my life (the OM). I have let go of all the negative feelings I had for him that had consumed me, I no longer obsess about him and his life, but I am still genuinely happy to see him or hear from him occasionally. Life goes on for both of us, and our lives are richer when they are filled with people we love and have loved. It was really neccesary for me to get past these things rather than avoid them...which leads me to the ultimate question...

Is NC simply avoidance of a bigger issue? Is it meant to get you through the initial pain and withdrawal, until you are strong enough to tackle the bigger issues? Thoughts anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:15pm
She,

I wanted to add one more thing that may have a huge impact on my situation. I wasn't in love with xmm. I liked him a whole lot and loved the attention, so for me going back to friends is much different than for someone who's xmm is their soulmate. We also didn't have a sexual affair so factor that it also.

If I did love him, I know NC would have to be forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dahlia74
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 6:08pm

Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to let the affair go on for so long.

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