About Self-esteem
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| Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:09pm |
Hi, I'm a lurker coming out of hiding, trying to work through and deal with the ending of my affair.
I've been reading the posts this afternoon- and something cl-nre said kinda hit home, so I was looking for some feedback.
"Which leads to the next step: what about the "single" people who choose to take up with married partners? I believe they as a collective whole have some serious self-esteem issues and several other issues going on inside them. Why else would they choose (and yes, you CHOOSE to be in every relationship you have) to continue a self-destructive pattern that occurs within the affair? For the fun of it? Maybe at the beginning, however, even that kick wears off over time."
Since I am a single woman and that accurately describes me, here's my question. Yes, I had/have self-esteem issues. I readily admit that. I know why I took up with MM, in large part because of those self-esteem issues. But MM knew I had those issues, we actually talked about them towards the end. So was it all about manipulating me then? Was I just easier 'bait' because he preyed on that weakness?
cl-nre, I don't want to call you out on this one, because you've had quite a day, but you've BTDT. You've been in affairs with single women with apparently low self-esteem. What's that all about and don't men realize the potential damage their doing?
Thanks,

I wanted to add something as a single woman (divorced). I think its more complicated than self esteem. For most of us, the men we got involved with didn't say upfront that they would never get divorced and intended to waffle back and forth over the next x years. If they made it clear that it was just for fun for them, then yea, it would be about self esteem. But alot of men waffle, some leave and go back, repeat, mine left 2 yrs ago and has not yet finlized the divorce - this intermittent hope turns despair turns hope again is so addictive, it gets into your very soul. Do I deserve better? Of course. But its a lot more complicated when someone says they are getting divorced, look like they are getting divorced but....just doesn't. I leave and come back, leave and come back. Do I have low self esteem? I don't know. Maybe I am too trusting and a fool. Maybe I've just been manipulated. To date, he still claims he is getting his act together and wants to be with me. I have a "show me until then I am dating" attitude. I can tell you that if I didnt have self esteem problems then, I do now.
Ivy
~misstep~
I'd like to answer your questions if you don't mind. I have also BTDT.
<<<>>>
More than likely, but I don't think it was a subconsious manuver on his part. Usually they are looking for someone who is willing and able to feed their egos, and if you suffer from lack of self-esteem (as did I before my affair), he would sense that you were an easy target.
<<< Was I just easier 'bait' because he preyed on that weakness?>>>
I already answered this above but to expound, he will probably argue "No" because then he would have to confront his guilt that it was more of a "yes." Over time, many MM's realize they are holding the OW back from finding someone who would be available to them. But again, his ego could be in the way of accepting his predatory role.
<<< What's that all about and don't men realize the potential damage their doing?>>>
In lieu of CL's answer until he provides one, IMO they do not realize the damage because as long as their needs are being met, they can't see past their precious jewels. ;) Once you are out of the affair long enough, you will discover that affairs are all about stroking egos and escaping whatever issues you had pre-affair. They *ALWAYS* cause damage because of the unhealty nature of the beast.
I am a year post-affair, single, and still picking up pieces that were scattered along that primrose path where I willingly "chose" to defile my principles and integrity.
Are you out of your affair? Whatever your situation, we are here if you need us.
misstep,
welcome to the board
like some of us here, i am single, male and OW is attached, u asked if low self esteem is an issue, i would say yes and im sure there are other issues also, not just your self esteem, why would we want to wait for the other person, i dont know
when i was in the affair, i would be willing to be the second banana in her life, cant spend enough time with OW, why do i settle for it, i dont know, do we call that lack of self esteem, i dont know also, for me personally, i was emotionally attached to OW
anyways, u are the one who is allowing of this to happen to your life, i think self control would be the right word for it
take care, ps sometimes i dont make sense but i just want to say how i feel, men and women act differently to each affair situation so im being subjective
take care,
max
Id and everyone else who responded...
Thank you for writing. I wasn't sure if anyone would answer out there. And I appreciate that. I need this board. Everyone who is writing is helping someone they may not even know of, so please keep talking! I know it's helped me.
Anyway, I've been NC now for just about 3 weeks. Still, there was no goodbye, I just ceased conversation. For those of you out there who might think it wierd, it was all part of MM's MO. It wouldn't be strange for us to go long periods w/out contact. His ego was such that I think he only noticed me when I was in front of him anyway. It's been a lot harder of a road for me than it ever was for him and he'll never be able to comprehend what he's done. He's just not made for it. I'm thinking sociopath, but I'm not a doctor.
The farther I get away, the stronger I get. I realize I don't 'miss' I just hurt.
Id, your response especially got me because, well, that's the way it is. Even though I *know* the whole thing was about ego for him, it's so much different when you have an outsider spell it out for you. You could have interchanged anyone in my place and I know that now. I am just wrestling with the psychology of it all.
misstep,
My situation is a little similar to yours in that xMM and I would go long periods of not talking in between (him not calling and me not willing to break the silence - "if he cares - HE'LL call me"). We work together so sometimes we'd talk about work in between since we had to - but no the kind of talk that made me know he valued me. And the *not talking* in between finally spoke loudly to me that I was not "special."
In fact, as time went on I had to really look at the actions and saw that when I was IN FRONT of him it was like no one else existed (he was very attentive) but when I was out of sight, I was out of mind (and it hurt since I was thinking about him all the time).
I know I was an ego boost for him and not much more since he is so self-centered he could never get to the next level of missing me. He has also hurt me more than he will ever comprehend since he just can't imagine feeling like I do - even though I have told him he hurt me deeply. I've told him he's "1-D" - as in "one dimensional" (he agrees).
I don't miss him either - I just hurt.
I loved having this board spell it out for me that it's all about ego. I didn't really *get that* before. It made it very clear to me.
I wrote another post within the last couple of days where I said that it caused GREAT pain in the beginning to realize this past 9 years (yes, a 9 yr A) that it wasn't about ME - that you could have interchanged (almost) anyone willing in my shoes and he would have done the same thing. Boy, that caused me some pain to accept.
Oddly enough now, several months later, the fact that it *could have been anyone* actually gives me comfort. I was humming along these 9 years thinking we were really something special and it was not allowing me to let him go. It actually gives me comfort to realize I'm not special! It allows me to let him go and know that we didn't have "the connection of a lifetime."
Several months ago I actually told him "this was not about ME" (this was when I was in the pain stage of realizing it could have been anyone)... and that "it could have been anyone in my shoes!" He had no idea what to say to me since this was a reality-crashing conversation where I spelled out the what we had i.e. nothing.
We talked a couple of days after that and he tried to respond to a couple of items I had thrown at him. He said "It couldn't have been ANYONE, I always liked attractive, confident women." Let's just say I wish he'd left that unsaid. I took that as very hurtful - if he's going to come back to me with anything it would have been nice to at least make it a personal statement about who I am - not superficial garbage that could apply to about 10% of the U.S. population. That really sealed the deal for me that it was over.
I think you are wise to just 'let it go' and not try to have those finishing conversations. Those conversations, at least with someone that is not capable of walking in the other person's shoes, can be painful and just drag it out. I don't think my xMM has said anything that has made me feel better - rather it's just underscored my decision. As Id said, I won't ever get the conversation I'm looking for so might as well move on.
Good luck and keep posting... WIP
Edited 5/22/2005 2:39 pm ET ET by workinginpickle