Absolute agony...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2011
Absolute agony...
21
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 5:21pm
Hi, I'm new here...came across the site looking for something to support me through what I would have to describe as the worst time of my life. I never imagined I would be here...

I've fallen head over heels in love with my best friend, and close work colleague. We have been intimate for about 7 months now, during which time I have ended my marriage (which was always going to happen) and he and his wife have had a baby. What we feel for each other is intense but it's slowly destroying me.

I took some leave from work so I could clear my head and have some space from him...it's easy to pretend it's all ok when you are spending 8-9 hours together every day. Being on leave has been painful and I have missed him more than I would have imagined. I called him around the other day to talk and we both just cried for an hour without saying a word, him knowing that this was killing me and me knowing that he won't leave his baby.

He is asking me to give him some time, i don't want to be that person. I feel as though I am walking away from the most precious and special thing I have ever known. I know he loves me, but where does it end? I really don't know how we will go when I am back at work, how do I break that intimacy, flick that switch to off?

At the moment i am feeling pain like I had never thought was possible..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 6:12pm

Wow, Morty!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 9:13pm
Oh Morty. I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. You are not alone, sweetie, and this is an excellentplace to be to gather clarity and support for your feelings and situation.

I don't post much any more but my heart just had to reach out to you. There is an outstanding book called "Not Just Friends" that I strongly encourage you to read. It will help you understand how you got where you are, the likely prognosis of your A, and how to deal that knowledge.

There are so many loving people on this board who will help you through this heart-wrenching pain. I promise you that if you stick around and do a lot of soul searching and inner work, it will get better. You have to give this process time and attention. My heart goes out to you but I promise you will not feel this way forever.

Big hugs
Alwayst
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 9:22pm

Hi Morty,

I am glad that you have found EAS but so sorry you are hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 10:24pm
Thanks so much. I never in a million years thought I could feel like this...I thought I was a smart and strong woman but feel a long way from that now.

I guess I went into this A filling the gaps in my own relationship, and there were many. Now I feel as though my own selfishness has destroyed a beautiful friendship and both of us emotionally.

In the short term we are stuck working together very closely, I have another week away from work and not sure just how I am going to manage going back. I need to tell him to have no contact until I'm back at work so I can at least have that time to clear my head a little. Is this the hardest part...walking away from something that feels so precious and so real?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 10:51pm

Quick question Morty, Why do you need to tell him to give you NC? Just go NC. As I see it telling him you need NC is having contact with him, trying to have that one more "closure" conversation. I know for work you need to have LC and there are good posts in HL and advice from others on how to do that at work. But telling him you need NC and opening that conversation can be risky. Men tend to get the picture when you don't respond (or only respond to the work related things). There are many people on EAS who have found themselves in a relapse when they went in for that conversation to end it or the conversation to iniate NC.

Not having to do LC I hope some of the EASers who livie it will chime in here, but it honestly raises a red flag when I read you saying you need to have the conversation to tell him you need NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Sat, 05-21-2011 - 12:26am

Hi Morty ((((HUGS)))) I feel your pain.

I am going to side with kpbaby here, you have to start loving yourself and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 05-21-2011 - 1:04am
Morty,

Welcome to EAS honey. You are not alone in this anymore and we are here to offer our love and support. You know in your heart that the A was wrong and finding the strength to end it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your xAP. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let someone go.

Read lots, post often, and be kind to yourself. This too will pass.

((Hugs))

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Sat, 05-21-2011 - 8:24am
Hugs to you Morty

The others have posted sound advice to you I want to reassure you that you can cope with going back and working with xAP. My xAP is my direct manager at work so I have very little option in the avoiding of him. In the Healing Library there is advice on how to do limited contact (LC) at work. Read it as many times as helps and think of other strategies that will help your situation.

The hardest thing I find is the constant triggers of him on an hourly basis whilst there. You will miss the emails , attention, and it is likely he will reach out to you under the guise of work and you will have to resist doing the same. BUT if you maintain LC this will ease but be prepared for it to be slow. Avoid him as much as you can - don't torture yourself by finding 'innocent ' ways to interact. You will be very vulnerable to fishing attempts on both sides. Only send essential work emails - find other ways to resolve work questions or go through someone else. If you have to work closely together ( I have individual meetings with mine ) keep it strictly about work , don't ask how he is, try and avoid eye contact abd don't tell him any personal information.

I was also good friends with mine and feel as though we have spoilt a friendship. I stil struggle with this. But the relationship was no friend to my family and ultimately not to me. Strive for professional cordiality and as you will read' fake it til you make it'.

Others have managed to reach indifference whilst working with xAP ( the fabulous Iddy exemplifies this) You can do this and we will help you. Friendship is nit an option at this stage - you are both too vulnerable and you need space to regain your perspective and understand what YOU need.

theyellowone xxx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2011
Sat, 05-21-2011 - 9:12am
Wow, everyone is so great. It's so true, you feel that what you have is ao unique and special, but at the end of the day everyone's stories read pretty much the same...

I feel like I need someone to slap me! I am telling myself all the same things you guys are but the pull to him is so strong. I am ao scared to go back to work and don't want to be a blubbering mess when I do...what a fool to think that this was ever going to work out :(

Thank goodness I have found this group...it really does help to hear what you all have to say xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 05-21-2011 - 10:15am

Morty,

You talk about the pull of 'him', and one can empathize that you feel so deeply about that, but try to reframe your thinking about what that 'pull' really is; it's not so much about him, it's really not.

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