Acceptance

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Acceptance
7
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 3:00am

I am almost at 6 weeks of NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 3:11am
Alive, thank you for this wonderful post. At four weeks NC I am still a long way from the calm acceptance that you are feeling today, but also a long way from the raw grief of the first few days. It's like you've made it to the top of the first of many mountains and are calling down to those of us who are still slogging our way out of the first valley to tell us that it was worth the climb! Your encouragement couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 6:35am
AA,
welcome! You are doing so well! You are right in that what exists are emotions without substance. These emotions will ebb and flow - so stay armed and ready to deal with them. You ask the question - when does the constant thinking about him stop - A while back (I'm still looking for the post), Bodhi suggested a great way to work through these emotions - and I shared it with some other friends this weekend....

Is it hard to set it all aside and just walk away? Yes. I've realized more
and more that it's a bit like parenting. At each milestone in my kids
lives, there is that weird trepidation that exists until we see they can
overcome, and then the next time it occurs, you accept their ability to do
it more readily. You KNOW it's possible. So if they fall, you hold them
and then send them back in to try again so that they can remember
accomplishing and overcoming it too. In this same way - I don't want to
forget my A. I learned SO much about myself. I got real with what I needed
in a relationship. I realized I am worth more. I realized I CAN do this on
my own. I realized I don't have to. While the A was probably the stupidest
way to learn about myself as a woman, it singlehandedly has revolutionized
my happiness, maturity, responsibility and choices in my life. Having been
with him, I now know the type of man I DO want to be with. I know now what
I am NOT willing to live without.

Is this romanticizing him? No - because it's no longer about him. I used
Bodhi's cards system to evaluate what I was feeling about HIM and
interpreting it to what the real issue was for me - for example on one side
of the card I wrote:

HE pushed for my divorce in order for us to be together, and then bailed
when he was supposed to leave.

And on the other side of the card I wrote:

He left me like everyone else has that has been important to me -
abandonment?

By doing this - not only did it help me to work out what I was actually
struggling with, but it also allowed me to work with my therapist to address
the actual issues - and by so doing, it was very easy to stop being hurt by
him, and his actions, and allowed me to take back the power in this A relationship, even after the fact to address the bigger issues, whether they be M related or not- doing this will alleviate the cycle of struggle in your mind. I don't know if this will help at all - but I hope it will!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 7:54am
Thank you its good to know the hill is worth climbing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 6:29pm

Alive, I've been thinking about your post a lot over the last couple of days and just wanted to let you know how much your analogy resonated with me.

"Thoughts of him are still running thru my head 24/7… or maybe now 23/7 (god when does THAT end??)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 2:39pm

Aliveagain and Kat,

The "birds" analogy is really a great and fitting one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 3:04pm

Wow - I haven't read that in a long time - like since my very beginning when I went through the HL for the first time -

it's a good reminder.

NVR - it IS hard to shut down those feelings and perceptions that you had in the A - We LIKED THEM.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 3:33pm
That's a wonderful post Never, thanks for sharing it.

I do know what you mean. I so badly want him to think well of me, but why should he think well of someone who lied to her family, encouraged him to behave deceiptfully, threatened his marriage, and put five trusting children at risk for some shallow, selfish feel goods? Really I should just be thankful that I'm out without causing more harm than I already did.

I agree with Lolly, it's a good reminder and I will come back to it often.