Acceptance
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| Tue, 05-18-2010 - 6:19pm |
There have been a lot of newbies checking in here lately - and it has reminded me of that fresh, raw pain that we have all felt in the early days of NC. The recurring theme in those new and painful posts is the "hope" of xap... still wondering/obsessing about xap, if he's thinking of you, what he thinks of you, how he could just walk away, what it all meant... those are all things you have to work through and eventually let go of, but what I want to urge a lot of you do to is accept, and I mean truly accept, that the A is over. This took time for me, and it will for you, but I wanted to share what I wrote about Acceptance when I realized I had finally accepted that it was over. I had this realization 2 month ago, so at about day 50 NC and it is what really propelled me into this new phase of recovery- the phase that feels like I am back in my real life- the phase in which the minute by minute struggle to survive or cope is gone... and you will all reach that point in your own time, I promise.
Acceptance:
For a long time, I would not accept that my A was doomed. I so strongly believed that he and I would end up together. I gave up on my M. I shut everyone out. I focused solely on xap. I poured all of my energy there, even though, more times than not, he let me down or I felt vulnerable, exposed and unfulfilled. Despite all of this, I just could not accept the inevitable end.
Accepting the end was a HUGE step for me. In my heart of hearts – at my very core – I now accept that it is over. When I ended it 7 weeks ago, I was done. And I’ve said it before, but the difference between this ending and all previous ones is that I had finally accepted the death of the fantasy. It wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was done and accepting that allowed me to shut the door. I no longer resist the truth, rather I face it. I no longer rationalize my bad behavior, rather I move forward and choose dignity. Yes, acceptance – it has made all the difference. It has set me free to live my life.
Clarification of Acceptance:
Fully accepting that it’s over does not mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I’m cured or healed. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten him.
What it does mean is that I’m no longer fighting for or holding out hope for the fantasy. It means letting go of the what ifs. It means freedom from limbo. It means moving on and forward, looking back only to remind myself where I’ve been. Acceptance means shutting the door for good and really meaning it.
Yes. Acceptance. It means that our paths diverged 7 weeks ago and now it’s time to pick up the pieces and get on with real life.
TO ALL THE NEWBIES: You can do this. You've taken the important first step and gone NC. Now stick to it and you will heal a little more each day. As you put more space between yourself and the A you will have new epiphanies everyday. You will start to hold your head up high. You will learn to relax. You will learn to be happy.
Hugs,

Another incredible post Jane.
From my experience, accepting and acknowledging what it really was - fantasy, was the beginning of the end. I also had to accept the end was what I really wanted. Easy said, it took months to truly end it.
Dear Jane,
Thank you for this post. I feel acceptance coming --- every day I embrace it a bit more. And I tell myself that I am ready to face the feelings that will come when acceptance finally comes to stay.
Much love,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
I don't think I'm there yet.
I, too, focused solely on xAP for so long. I just knew that if I tried hard enough, we'd be together someday. I prayed to God each night that He would make it happen. I fantasized about what it would be like to be with xAP every day of my life... and it was always good, of course, in my fantasy.
I want to accept that it's over. I want to accept that he and I will never be together. But as I approach my 5 week NC mark - and also what would have been our 4 year anniversary June 1st - I still think about him. I still think about "what if".
What if he calls me?
What if he moves back here?
What if I get divorced (not that it's happening, but I still think about it)?
What if he calls me after my kids are grown, we are both in our 50's, and we both suddenly realize that we were meant to be together?
I am looking forward to acceptance that it's over, but it still seems way off for me.
But Jane, thank you for posting this. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only woman out here that got SO WRAPPED UP in the A that I made myself believe it was real life.
-Angel
Dear Jane,
YOU ARE MY HERO.
Jane,
Thank you so much for this post.