Good question and thanks for posting to me. I'm not sure who it was actually harder on - me or him. I thought me, for the same reasons you mentioned. I remember an email I wrote to him when the A first started - I was going to be out of town w/my H and I told xOM he should go to the bar and pick up someone and take her home (this was before our A got physical). Then I told him that the thought of him being w/someone else made me sick!
But xOM thought it was harder on him because, no matter what, he knew I would be sleeping in bed w/my H EVERY NIGHT.
One of the reasons xOM ended things w/me was because he thought I would never leave my H - and he said if I did, he wanted it to be for me, not for him. He was afraid if I left H for him, eventually I would think I made a mistake and would ended up resenting him (H is well liked by my family & friends and xOM was afraid they wouldn't like him because he "took me away" from H. Also, H is "financially stable" whereas xOM wasn't. He was afraid I couldn't handle the 'change in lifestyle').
Funny - Friday & Saturday nights, sometimes I still wonder if he is out w/someone else (and we've been broken up since August).
NC is hard - harder than I could have imagined. But it DOES get easier. I went almost 1 month w/NC then broke it. We had a very nice 1 hour conversation. We hadn't talked like that in a long time. For about a week, I was pretty happy - even though we didn't talk about "us", I felt like I had closure. Now, 3 weeks later, I'm wondering why he hasn't called me. So I'm back to holding NC. I post here often and write in a journal which are the only things that get me through. I also started T about 6 weeks ago.
Thanks for posting - it's always helpful to talk to someone else in a similar situation. Feel free to post or email me anytime!!
Hi ladies, I have to say something here about the other side. I'm the single one and beleive me it is hard knowing that he is going home every night to his life, little girl wife, sleeping with her every night going out with friends socalizing ect. whil I sit at home or I do go out but I'm not going to pick up any body. I love mm. my mm once told me he did'nt want me with any body else but knew he had no right to ask that of me so he would'nt. I leave him messages on my phone because w broke his code and checks his work cell. well a couple of times when my phone was off a man would leave me a message and of course he would get it. he did'nt like it but you know what he is the one with the life, I sleep alone at night hurting, I know he doesn't love her and he stays for all the wrong reasons but the fact remains he is there and I'm alone. beleive me it hurts like hell. I can understand sm wanting more and feeling like he needs to move on we singles need a life too, and sometimes the pain of knowing that is not going to happen is to much to take. Please know I'm not taking away from your pain I know it hurts just giving the other side. hugs to you both, kat
Thanks so much for replying to this. One of the things I love about this board is getting feedback from all sides and being able to see things in a different perspective.
I remember the first arguement xOM and I ever had...it was over something silly - I was tired after work and wanted to go home and veg and he wanted to get together. Anyway, we spoke on the phone and worked everything out. That night he sent me an email - I still have it. Here is an excerpt:
"I really missed you last night, probably more than usual...usually I think of how nice it would be if you were with me, and it makes me smile to think of it, but last night it seemed like it was more than that...instead of thinking how nice it would be I started thinking how much I really wanted you there. I really miss you, and wish we could patch things up a little more appropriately - you know a face-to-face I'm sorry, kiss, hug, that sorta thing. I don't think we've gotten to make-up sex, but whatever. I can't wait to talk to you, I love the sound of your voice when you just wake up in the morning. I wish I could be there to see you wake up. Thinking of you always - xOM (name)"
Wow - ok, so that was kind-of painful for me to reread! My point is, looking back on things, I imagine it must have been hard for xOM. As much as I hated the thought of him going out and picking up another girl - he KNEW I would be sleeping w/another man (H) EVERY night. The night he broke up with me, he said that he had been out w/ a friend the weekend before and his friend asked, "So, are you dating anyone?" What went through his head was, "Yeah - she's in London right now on vacation with her husband!" What he said was, "No."
Hi diva, thanks for writing back. I do know where xom is comming from. My family wants to know why I'm not dating. I'm not ugly, I used to model, I have men ask me out all the time. it's funny but my upstairs neighbor thought I was gay because she could not understand why I did'nt have a boy friend!!!lol But beleive me when I say it hurts like hell, especially over the holidays, I was alone and he was with family no matter how unhappy he was still havin a life while mine stopped. my heart does ach for you tho please don't think that, being in love with someone and not being able to be with them is painful for any one. Hug to you, kat
Again - thank you so much for responding! You don't know how helpful it is for me to hear your opinion. It was so hard understanding why xOM would end things w/me if he was so in love w/me. I still have a hard time with it.
Can I ask you a question? About a month after xOM broke up w/me (we still kept in contact), he said he still wanted to have a 'physical relationship' w/me. First of all, I couldn't understand how he could do that w/ no emotions involved! Needless to say, we got together a few times, but I just couldn't go through w/it - thinking I was still in love w/him but he just wanted sex from me! Anyway, around mid November I went out w/ a friend and got really hammered. I called xOM & we agreed to meet up. In the middle of IC, H called me - and xOM suddenly freaked out. He stopped and said what we were doing was wrong! I asked him "If it was just sex, why did it matter??" He said I was reading to much into it. As a single person, what do you think? Also, we didn't speak fro about a month after that. I ended up breaking NC 3 weeks ago. The first time I called, he didn't answer his phone. I called back a few hours later and we talked for over an hour. It was great - nothing deep, just friendly chit-chat. xOM use to say I was the only person he was ever able to talk to for more than 5 minutes on the phone. Anyway, at first I felt good - like even if we never spoke again, it was ok. But now, 3 weeks later, I'm wondering why he hasn't tried to contact me. Anyway, any input you could give would be great!
Diva - Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and all you have been through. It means a lot. As I said, my situation is similar. My xOM also didn't want me to leave for him for the fear of me resenting him for it in time. He wanted me to leave for myself and wanted to be with me. It is so hard. I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I hope it gets easier for you. My thoughts are with you.
Kat - As Diva said, thank you for sharing. It does give an understanding of what our xOM went through a little more emotionally. I can only imagine how hard it was for you and the pain you endured. I only wish you the best.
((HUGS)) to you two women. Again, thank you for sharing both your situations. It has been a difficult time for me.
Soul,
Good question and thanks for posting to me. I'm not sure who it was actually harder on - me or him. I thought me, for the same reasons you mentioned. I remember an email I wrote to him when the A first started - I was going to be out of town w/my H and I told xOM he should go to the bar and pick up someone and take her home (this was before our A got physical). Then I told him that the thought of him being w/someone else made me sick!
But xOM thought it was harder on him because, no matter what, he knew I would be sleeping in bed w/my H EVERY NIGHT.
One of the reasons xOM ended things w/me was because he thought I would never leave my H - and he said if I did, he wanted it to be for me, not for him. He was afraid if I left H for him, eventually I would think I made a mistake and would ended up resenting him (H is well liked by my family & friends and xOM was afraid they wouldn't like him because he "took me away" from H. Also, H is "financially stable" whereas xOM wasn't. He was afraid I couldn't handle the 'change in lifestyle').
Funny - Friday & Saturday nights, sometimes I still wonder if he is out w/someone else (and we've been broken up since August).
NC is hard - harder than I could have imagined. But it DOES get easier. I went almost 1 month w/NC then broke it. We had a very nice 1 hour conversation. We hadn't talked like that in a long time. For about a week, I was pretty happy - even though we didn't talk about "us", I felt like I had closure. Now, 3 weeks later, I'm wondering why he hasn't called me. So I'm back to holding NC. I post here often and write in a journal which are the only things that get me through. I also started T about 6 weeks ago.
Thanks for posting - it's always helpful to talk to someone else in a similar situation. Feel free to post or email me anytime!!
Diva
hugs to you both,
kat
Kat,
Thanks so much for replying to this. One of the things I love about this board is getting feedback from all sides and being able to see things in a different perspective.
I remember the first arguement xOM and I ever had...it was over something silly - I was tired after work and wanted to go home and veg and he wanted to get together. Anyway, we spoke on the phone and worked everything out. That night he sent me an email - I still have it. Here is an excerpt:
"I really missed you last night, probably more than usual...usually I think of how nice it would be if you were with me, and it makes me smile to think of it, but last night it seemed like it was more than that...instead of thinking how nice it would be I started thinking how much I really wanted you there. I really miss you, and wish we could patch things up a little more appropriately - you know a face-to-face I'm sorry, kiss, hug, that
sorta thing. I don't think we've gotten to make-up sex, but whatever. I can't wait to talk to you, I love the sound of your voice when you just wake up in the morning. I wish I could be there to see you wake up. Thinking of you always - xOM (name)"
Wow - ok, so that was kind-of painful for me to reread! My point is, looking back on things, I imagine it must have been hard for xOM. As much as I hated the thought of him going out and picking up another girl - he KNEW I would be sleeping w/another man (H) EVERY night. The night he broke up with me, he said that he had been out w/ a friend the weekend before and his friend asked, "So, are you dating anyone?" What went through his head was, "Yeah - she's in London right now on vacation with her husband!" What he said was, "No."
Diva
my heart does ach for you tho please don't think that, being in love with someone and not being able to be with them is painful for any one.
Hug to you,
kat
kat,
Again - thank you so much for responding! You don't know how helpful it is for me to hear your opinion. It was so hard understanding why xOM would end things w/me if he was so in love w/me. I still have a hard time with it.
Can I ask you a question? About a month after xOM broke up w/me (we still kept in contact), he said he still wanted to have a 'physical relationship' w/me. First of all, I couldn't understand how he could do that w/ no emotions involved! Needless to say, we got together a few times, but I just couldn't go through w/it - thinking I was still in love w/him but he just wanted sex from me! Anyway, around mid November I went out w/ a friend and got really hammered. I called xOM & we agreed to meet up. In the middle of IC, H called me - and xOM suddenly freaked out. He stopped and said what we were doing was wrong! I asked him "If it was just sex, why did it matter??" He said I was reading to much into it. As a single person, what do you think? Also, we didn't speak fro about a month after that. I ended up breaking NC 3 weeks ago. The first time I called, he didn't answer his phone. I called back a few hours later and we talked for over an hour. It was great - nothing deep, just friendly chit-chat. xOM use to say I was the only person he was ever able to talk to for more than 5 minutes on the phone. Anyway, at first I felt good - like even if we never spoke again, it was ok. But now, 3 weeks later, I'm wondering why he hasn't tried to contact me. Anyway, any input you could give would be great!
Diva
Diva -
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and all you have been through. It means a lot. As I said, my situation is similar. My xOM also didn't want me to leave for him for the fear of me resenting him for it in time. He wanted me to leave for myself and wanted to be with me. It is so hard. I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I hope it gets easier for you. My thoughts are with you.
Kat -
As Diva said, thank you for sharing. It does give an understanding of what our xOM went through a little more emotionally. I can only imagine how hard it was for you and the pain you endured. I only wish you the best.
((HUGS)) to you two women. Again, thank you for sharing both your situations. It has been a difficult time for me.