actressdiva
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actressdiva
| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 12:34pm |
Hey
Thanks for being concerned. I am actually doing good. I had a getaway with my h this weekend. We had alot of fun. I really do love him and knows this is where I need to be. I have comes to terms that eventhough I made the last call to my XMM and he didn't want to talk to me, I have to remember that the week before when I said we needed to be with our families - he said he didn't want it to end and he was having a hard time too. He was really caring when we spoke and spoke from the heart. He, I believed wanted to be with me but it was just too complicated. When I called the last time - it was his way of dealing with it. I know that he has got to hurt as well - we just have different ways of showing it. How can you want to talk to someone and then three days later not want to talk to them. It has to be a defense mechanism to help his hurting. Don't you think? I miss him dearly and still think about him all the time but I know it could never be.
Question - can you really get over someone when you constantly are reminded of them? Just wondering but how can I get over him and move on when I keep posting her and bringing up everything that I just need to forget. Just curious. I'm not saying that I am getting off these boards but are they really helping me. I just don't know. What do you think?
Thanks for being concerned. I am actually doing good. I had a getaway with my h this weekend. We had alot of fun. I really do love him and knows this is where I need to be. I have comes to terms that eventhough I made the last call to my XMM and he didn't want to talk to me, I have to remember that the week before when I said we needed to be with our families - he said he didn't want it to end and he was having a hard time too. He was really caring when we spoke and spoke from the heart. He, I believed wanted to be with me but it was just too complicated. When I called the last time - it was his way of dealing with it. I know that he has got to hurt as well - we just have different ways of showing it. How can you want to talk to someone and then three days later not want to talk to them. It has to be a defense mechanism to help his hurting. Don't you think? I miss him dearly and still think about him all the time but I know it could never be.
Question - can you really get over someone when you constantly are reminded of them? Just wondering but how can I get over him and move on when I keep posting her and bringing up everything that I just need to forget. Just curious. I'm not saying that I am getting off these boards but are they really helping me. I just don't know. What do you think?

I'm so glad you had a good weekend. You sound like you are in a good place. I too have accepted he fact that my xOM has probably hurt. I have only spoke about my A with one very close friend. She suggested that the reason xOM didn't show up at my show and then was a jerk afterwards was because he was hurt that I was still making him the other man. I told him my H was coming to the show Fri & Sun and if he insisted on coming, Sat was the only day that would be ok. When we spoke later, he said things like "You didn't give me much of an option". I think he was hurt and chose to take it out in anger, as did your xMM. We can't change their ways just as they can't change ours.
As far as posting goes - I think it is an individual thing. At first, I found posting helpful because I had all these feeling and emotions and thoughts running through my head and no one to voice them too. It was good to be able to get them out. Now I find strength in coming here and seeing how far I've come. It's nice to have other people (like you) who understand the highs and lows. If you feel it is prohibiting you from moving forward, then you may wat to rethink it.
You said something to me in an earlier post that I wanted to talk to you about. I thought about posting this on the board, but didn't want the 'backlash' (besides, it's sort of stupid). You said, you thought my xOM may try to contact me someday. I know this will sound dumb, but I spoke w/ a psychic the other day and this is what she said - she said she saw my xOM & I reconciling in Feb. She also said she saw me filing for divorce mid 2005 and moving in w/ xOM. I have to say this sort of freaked me out. I don't know how much of this stuff I truly believe in, but still, it was weird. I keep telling myself that we all have free will and there is no way I would leave my H for xOM ESPECIALLY after everything that has happened. It's only Nov., but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for if he DOES ever try to contact me, I will be strong enough to turn away. What do you think?
Diva
actressdiva-
Yes, I think you are going to be strong. If you remain to have NC and not pick up the phone to call him then you will get stronger. AS far him calling you - I do believe he will call one day. I can't say when but when he does you have to be strong and not answer the phone. Do not pick up his call and the longer you go the better you will be. This in my fifth day in a row that I have felt good about everything. Sure, I get alittle sad when I think of things we said and done but know in my heart that it was wrong. Sure, I miss him and finally got over the rejection part. The funny thing is most people felt rejected bc they chose the family. I did not feel rejected bc of that - I felt rejected bc of the last phone call where he didn't wwant to talk to me. I have let that go. I will never know why he didn't call me back and I can't change the fact that I did call. I know in my heart that he did care for me and wanted to be with me but just could'nt break up his family. It is hard on him and he told me that the weeks before I made that last call. We said all kinds of things to each other and so I have to remember he was just as guilty for his feelings for me as I was for him.
Please be strong and move on. Did I read that you have been married since 1982. That is a long time. You should be proud of that and concentrate on that. Do you have any children. I'm sorry I don't recall that. The holidays are coming up and you should enjoy every bit with your h bc he sounds like a great guy. He is the one that is always there for you and he is the one who will pick up the pieces when you are down. Remember that! My biggest thing I think about is I know my husband will never hurt me and my daughter and will always be there for me. I could not say the same about XMM. He would of had an X wife and three children to support as well. I would have a fear that any day he could go running back to her and I would have given up my family for that. Oh Lord. Now for you, since your XM is not married it would be scary to think about him getting involved with anyone again while with you. He knew you cheated and so that gives him the right to think he can cheat too one day. Just my thought.
AS far as the psychic goes. How much information did you give her for her to know about the XM. Sometimes they can sense what they think you want and if she saw that you still had feelings for him she fed off of that. If it does come true that is a long waya away so you can be strong for yourself and for your husband. One final question if you feel so strong about XM and you have no kids - why didn't you leave? Was it bc you just couldn't hurt your husband.Good Luck. Post to me anytime.
In answer to your questions - H and I have only been married for a year and a half! But we have been together for 4. We have no children (will probably start trying in the next 2 years). xOM and I were only together for 4 months, but it got intense REALLY fast (within 3 weeks)! I honestly didn't leave H because everything between xOM and I was still too new. I was trying to figure things out when he ended it. He knew I had a pretty great life w/ H and said he didn't want me to leave all that just for him because someday I would regret it and hate him for it. Had the A continued, I'm not really sure what would have happened. Now, looking back - I can't believe I ever even had those thoughts!
As for the pyschic - it was done via email, so I just asked questions. The question regarding xOM was, "What will happen between ____ and I?" or something like that.
It's hard to get past the hateful things that we said to each other, but I too know that he truly loved me and I him. He once told me that "feelings never go away, they just get repressed". I'm sure he hurt too. I think for us, the only way to end things was badly. Otherwise we would have continued in the stupid dance we had fallen into (he calls me at 2am, I call him the next day). It was ridiculous. But I agree with you - the rejection was the worst part. I guess it's just their way of grieving and getting over their own emotional 'stuff'.
H and I have been doing really good lately too. Everyday I find myself thinking "I'm so lucky". And I know that is making me stronger.
Good luck - stay strong! :-)
Diva