Actually Looking FORWARD to A Ending!
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| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:37am |
My A will officially end (mutually, though it's my idea) in about 2 weeks. It has been agonizing trying to come to terms with this, but I MUST reclaim my life and my marriage and my beautiful H.
Yesterday was a torturous day not being in contact with MM because he was in out-of-office meetings all day. It was my first taste of what this is going to feel like. And I felt like a crack addict, completely desperate, miserable, on the edge of losing self-control...it was pathetic. Truly. And my H was so kind to me at night - he thought I'd just had a bad day and not enough sleep, and HE was there for me. HE was tender. HE was compassionate. MM was nowhere to be found.
So last night, very late, the desperate feleing somehhow calmed in me. I've been spending so much time focusing on the loss and the devastation, but it hit me that I amt he one who wants to end it...and I have some very valid reasons for making this choice. I sat alone thinking last night, and here is what I realized I am actually looking FORWARD to after the A ends:
-I am so excited to plan on becoming a MOM for the first time!!!! Maybe a year from today I will even be pregnant!
-I am looking forward to not jonesing and feeling that desperate ache to hear from him every second.
-I am looking forward to not being an emotional SLAVE to my A
-I am looking forward to becoming sexual again with my H and reclaiming this aspect of our R in a NEW and IMPROVED way. We have worked SO hard on our M and we deserve to have world-rocking IC with one another!
-I am looking forward to experiencing happiness for the first time as the woman I have evolved into this past year.
-I am looking forward to feeling confident, not guilty, not paranoid, not ashamed. To look myself in the mirror every morning and know I am living the best life I can possibly live for myself.
-To realize that the fantasy of what I thought MM was not only doesn't exist, but the reality of what I want out of love is even BETTER.
I am sitting here waiting for MM man to call me and I am getting so ANGRY. Even though he is probably tied up in meetings, I am angry at MYSELF more than him for being so deperate. I am looking forward to not WANTING him. I am looking forward to not having to wonder if he is longing for me as much as I am for him, and if he is, then why isn't he calling.
I admit I am not at that point yet where I can let go...but I am doing my darndest to try to prepare and make the end of the A a success for myself on every level.
Loves

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2 Weeks? Does a bomb go off or something ;)? What's up with this 2 week stuff and why are you hesitating to put an end to it now? What happens within the next 2 weeks if your kind and loving husband finds out about everything? There is no better time than NOW to implement all those things on your list that you are looking forward too, because it's going to take a lot longer than "2 WEEKS and a year" to get feeling back to normal again. Affairs are devestating, emotionally and spiritually.
**Terri**
Barring any really, truly significant event that's planned to happen in 2 weeks, I would just take the plunge immediately. If you're that excited about what life after the A holds, why not go for it right now? No time like the present. JMHO. Love, Mo.
MM and i have a final trip planned to say goodbye and have closure (next weekend). otherwise i would have ended it. i have thought long and hard about how to do this, and i know that a weekend away will be agonozing as much as it will be sweet and beautiful, but i do feel in my heart of hearts, that even if i end up devastated, we need to have this closure. this time together to say "we were here. what we dreamed of meant something. it mattered. and now it is over."
i am crying as i type.
You're married right...how exactly are you pulling this off? Just curious.
I don't think closure is possible in an A. There's always unanswered questions, unresolved feelings.
Frankly, you should skip the trip. Its just going to make breaking up that much harder. Its not going to give you what you want, which is a nice, peaceful, meaningful ending. And it won't make your healing any faster or easier.
If you want him to know he meant something to you -- say it in a letter. One last romp in the hay is not going to bring you closure. It is behavior that is totally inconsistent with all the reasons you list for wanting to end the A.
Lovesec,
There are no fairy-tale endings in affair stories, and for the most part there is never any closure either. All you are doing is prolonging the inevitable, no matter how you want to dress it up. Your thread is entitled "Actually looking FWD to A ending." Something tells me that you are suffering from denial issues BIG TIME; both in your "real" life and your "fairy-tale" one. Looking fwd to any kind of ending, other than maybe some painful disease that they have finally found a cure for, is a seriously distorted perception of reality.
You will be, whether now or in 2 weeks from now, in excrutiating emotional pain. You are already crying just at the thought of this. Do you plan on spending your final hours with OM agonizing over the minutes ticking away on the table clock? "OMG, we have only 1 more hour, honey..." Are you a glutton for punishment? REPEAT, there is NO closure in affairs. You will walk away with this gaping wound oozing all over your clothes where your heart once was. AND this is what you are looking fwd too?
I just hope for your sake that this weekend away does not turn into the "Kiss of Death" weekend, where someone finds out about the lies and the betrayals. Your final gettaway or is that "get-a-way with it) weekend could backfire, and you could lose everything. Is this a gamble you are willing to make?
~True~
Think about all the life stages that involve rituals. When 2 people join together, there is the ritual of a marriage ceremony. Even when someone dies, we have a funeral - it's a ritual to mourn the loss, to grieve, to celebrate the life. When we have a birthday, we have the life ritual of a cake, or a party or a song. When someone is about to die, we have the ritual of the "final rites" said over the deathbed. When a baby is born, we have the ritual of baptism.
Rituals seem meaningful and necessary to moving through the various stages of life. To help us move forward and accept where we are. As Joseph Campbell says, "A ritual is a myth in action."
I believe that this final weekend is the ritual I need to move on. Pain or no pain, it seems emotionally necessary in the same way that if someone I loved died, it wouldn't feel right if there was no funeral, no wake, no acknowledgement that the person is gone. It seems necessary to say goodbye properly. I can't explain it any other way than that.
I just don't think relationships, and esp. A's, ever end quite that neatly and nicely.
You don't have to part arguing, like me and my exMM did, but lingering over it, even lovingly, seems pointless and destined only to upset you more.
And how does this ritual fit into your still working with this guy? There is going to be NOTHING final about your "final" weekend. It will be nothing more than a couple of days of sexual bliss and gee, maybe you'll end up pregnant like some of the women on here. Now their lives are a joyous nightmare with XOM's that want nothing to do with them.
Just beware that life does not always play out the way you have it written. There are too many variables that can enter the mix and spin even a larger web of deceit.
~True~
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