Actually Looking FORWARD to A Ending!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Actually Looking FORWARD to A Ending!
15
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:37am
Hi all,

My A will officially end (mutually, though it's my idea) in about 2 weeks. It has been agonizing trying to come to terms with this, but I MUST reclaim my life and my marriage and my beautiful H.

Yesterday was a torturous day not being in contact with MM because he was in out-of-office meetings all day. It was my first taste of what this is going to feel like. And I felt like a crack addict, completely desperate, miserable, on the edge of losing self-control...it was pathetic. Truly. And my H was so kind to me at night - he thought I'd just had a bad day and not enough sleep, and HE was there for me. HE was tender. HE was compassionate. MM was nowhere to be found.

So last night, very late, the desperate feleing somehhow calmed in me. I've been spending so much time focusing on the loss and the devastation, but it hit me that I amt he one who wants to end it...and I have some very valid reasons for making this choice. I sat alone thinking last night, and here is what I realized I am actually looking FORWARD to after the A ends:

-I am so excited to plan on becoming a MOM for the first time!!!! Maybe a year from today I will even be pregnant!

-I am looking forward to not jonesing and feeling that desperate ache to hear from him every second.

-I am looking forward to not being an emotional SLAVE to my A

-I am looking forward to becoming sexual again with my H and reclaiming this aspect of our R in a NEW and IMPROVED way. We have worked SO hard on our M and we deserve to have world-rocking IC with one another!

-I am looking forward to experiencing happiness for the first time as the woman I have evolved into this past year.

-I am looking forward to feeling confident, not guilty, not paranoid, not ashamed. To look myself in the mirror every morning and know I am living the best life I can possibly live for myself.

-To realize that the fantasy of what I thought MM was not only doesn't exist, but the reality of what I want out of love is even BETTER.

I am sitting here waiting for MM man to call me and I am getting so ANGRY. Even though he is probably tied up in meetings, I am angry at MYSELF more than him for being so deperate. I am looking forward to not WANTING him. I am looking forward to not having to wonder if he is longing for me as much as I am for him, and if he is, then why isn't he calling.

I admit I am not at that point yet where I can let go...but I am doing my darndest to try to prepare and make the end of the A a success for myself on every level.

Loves

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:30pm
An Affair is NOT a "stage of life" deserving of a ritual!!!!! You are romanticizing something terrible to try to make yourself feel better about it.

If you feel the need to go through a "ritual," a really HEALTHY alternative would be collecting mementos of the A and burning them and having a nice healthy cry.

We do mean well, you know. We aren't just saying this stuff to be mean to you!! We're trying to help you see through that Affair Cloud that we've all be lost in. There is no easy way out of an A, and a "goodbye f---" may help you feel better for a day or a week -- but trust me, it will NOT bring "closure."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 10:48am
Loves, I saw your post on the MAS board, and saw you got a lot of support for your weekend. I am sure you are going to do it, and that is your choice. I think one reason this really is sticking with me is because I thought you were ready to honor your husband and your wedding vows again, and instead you are plotting to commit adultery in the worst way -- so deliberately, so calculating, in blatant betrayal of such an innocent person. And I guess the reason I don't think you should do it is because that is the one thing I can never forgive myself for -- doing that very thing to my sweet, adoring husband, although it sure SEEMED like a great idea at the time, because heck, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right??? HA. He is so good to me, it makes me literally CRY when I think that I ever was so selfish, that I was ever capable of betraying him this way... It may SEEM like you are doing this FOR YOU, but you are also doing this TO HIM... Please read the "Word About Adultery" article: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14367.1&ctx=0

And that is the last I'll say about it. I do promise to lend you support when this is over; it is a hard, long journey you're about to undertake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:54pm
Love,

I'm a bit confused. Which is it that you are looking forward to more? Ending the A, or the one final romp in the hay? Sorry but I have to get tough on you because I somewhat know what you are feeling....been there done that sort of thing.

I didn't actually PLAN a final good-bye f**k, but I did have the determination to end it for all the reasons you listed and more. I felt good about my resolve and I was going to STICK to it. Well love, that was about 3 yrs. ago. One "final" escapade lead to another, and another......

I just didn't have the heart to hurt him like that, then things would get really good with the OMM, he would stroke my ego just the way I needed. I would justify that he won't keep up this good behavior for long (he never did) so the next time he pissed me off it would be easy to say good-bye. Guess what love, the plan backfired on me. It backfired because he was perfectly fine with ignoring me and cutting me out of his life (of course until he was horny again). Since I was NOT emotionally ready to end it, I would be DEVASTATED, DESPERATE to get him to show me he still cared. When he would finally contact me again, I would be so relieved and I would feel good again. I got my "fix."

Mark my words, if you spend the weekend with him it will NOT bring you closure. It will only cause you to become more emotionally attached to him. Are you honestly thinking that you can blend the euphoria of spending the weekend having IC with MM AND ending it for good? The two emotions just don't mix hon. It's one or the other, not both.

As far as the "ritual" thing goes. Forgive me but give me a friggin break! That is the absolute most lame thing I've ever heard of. A ritual for ending months of lying, cheating, being selfish and betraying your DH? Hell, I say celebrate by going to a day spa!

Please don't feel like I'm beating you up, it's more like a smack upside the head, "what ARE you thinking kind of thing" ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 1:30pm
One more thought....

I know you said that your dear, sweet, sensitive, wonderful OMM understands the "ritual" thing but 10 to 1 this is what he is REALLY thinking:


"Ritual smitual.....I'm getting me some this weekend...whooo hooo"!!!!

Anyone care to wager?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 1:38pm
hi there Love--

I agree with much of what has been said so far.

Here's my two cents worth:

1. As I have said on this board before, I have a pretty good relationship with my XMM, and we were able to talk things through at the end of our A -- I don't feel like I have any unanswered questions, because I asked them all and got answers. From what I read on this board, the majority of people who tell their stories had fairly bad endings, so there was no "closure." I think it's fair to say that all of us would want their final questions answered if given the choice, but that doesn't often happen with As. In your case, it sounds like you and your soon-to-be-XMM may have the maturity (probably not the best choice of words since no one who engages in an EMA shows much maturity--I know I didn't) to have a final conversation at the end of your A.

2. That being said, I agree with the others that a final getaway is a bad idea:

* This could be the time that you get caught.

How much would that suck to get caught right

as you were ending it.

* Picture this weekend for a second -- you have

the "talk," get closure on all your questions,

and then what?? Think about how sad you will

be at that point. It will be a pretty long ride

home.

* Being away for the weekend w/ him will make it very

tempting to forget about ending it and finding a

plan to somehow keep it going, maybe on a more

klimited basis etc.

3. Why not just have a good-bye lunch? If you want privacy, have a picnic or something, where you meet, eat, talk, then get into your respective vehicles and drive off. Do you really need to go away with him for a weekend??

Love, you should re-evaluate the weekend thing. It's got danger written all over it. Think about what could happen--you said that you were excited to start a better life with your H, but if something blows up on this weekend thing, you could be throwing away your marriage and relationships with others who will be affected if news of your A becomes public. THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS!!!

Meg

P.S. -- to All on this board...today is my XMM's bday--remember my posts from last week??? I have good news. I did not slip back into anything, nor do I feel the pull in that direction. I did talk to XMM on the phone on a work-related matter today, and I wished him HB-day, and we continued our conversation and said goodbye. All is well--thanks again for the support, everyone :-)

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