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? for ada j:)
| Sat, 03-27-2004 - 1:03pm |
Hey Ada
ive been foloowing your story as thee are so many commonalities--I can understand how you are willing to overlook a lot of the lies from the past, but this is what I couldnt handle and I have to know how you will handle it-- even tho X-mm and his wife had issues, they were intimate---he was upfront about it, unlike you who had to dscover the nessage boards and the websites etc---whenever mm would tell me he slept with his wife, it tore me up--it killed me!!!!
How are you going to deal with it?? that was the final straw that made me end it, and id love to hear your coping strategy.
(((hugs_))))
ive been foloowing your story as thee are so many commonalities--I can understand how you are willing to overlook a lot of the lies from the past, but this is what I couldnt handle and I have to know how you will handle it-- even tho X-mm and his wife had issues, they were intimate---he was upfront about it, unlike you who had to dscover the nessage boards and the websites etc---whenever mm would tell me he slept with his wife, it tore me up--it killed me!!!!
How are you going to deal with it?? that was the final straw that made me end it, and id love to hear your coping strategy.
(((hugs_))))

Edited 3/28/2004 10:41 am ET ET by maybekatie
of course i'll understand. Im curious, mostly because this was such a major stumbvling block for me, and I do worry how you will cope. looking forward to your answer. You sound great!!!
ada where are you???((hugs))
to begin with, last year when he told me about the fact that he had slept with his wife a few times over the prior year and a half, i felt so deeply betrayed that i could not even begin to think clearly for many months....this, combined with the entire confession made at that time regarding some other lies that he had told me, sent me reeling....at the time, and for a long time after, i never knew what to believe any more.....
ok, i change my mind......it IS complicated.....
ok, so fast forward to about a 6 month breakup, including 3 months of NC....i had done a lot of thinking and tried to piece a lot of things together...probably spent an insane amount of time trying to piece all of it together.....trying to answer questions....you know the types of questions.....does he really love me?.....do i really love him?....why did he lie to me?....who is he really?....it would take me an hour to detail what i eventually decided and why, but here's the short of it....
i know we really love each other....there's no doubt in my mind of his feelings for me, how much he truly loves and cares about me....he is also a flawed individual (as we all are)....when we started speaking about 5 weeks ago, we talked as much as i needed to about all that had happened with those lies, and i took some time to draw the rest of my conclusions....i know beyond a doubt that he truly loves me....and that i truly love him.....there is more evidence of his love than of anything to the contrary....it would be so lengthy and boring for me to detail why i've forgiven him for the lies that you'll just have to be content with thinking that i'm a fairly intelligent, insightful person who wouldn't continue to be with someone that i believed had lied to me because he didn't care about me.....we've talked in length about all of this, and i also know that he's been working very hard in therapy to deal with how he resorts to lying when faced with the possibility of conflict, and the honest truth is that from early in our relationship, when he would be honest with me about even simple things, like the fact that he went to dinner with his wife, i would react very very strongly and often flip out....there were a few times that he was honest with me about things but i tore him apart for it....combine that with his fear of conflict and fear of angering and losing me, and eventually he lied about some things that he felt he knew would send me off the deep end.....i'm not letting him off the hook for lying, but i'm aware of the dynamics that existed and understand how he came to tell those lies.....he's made some good progress in therapy in his understanding of his behavior, and i give him a lot of credit for that.....
so, back to your question......in the course of our many conversations last month, he patiently allowed me to ask anything i wanted, and was open and straight with me about all that i asked.....i was able to think more clearly now than i had last year, and felt very strong after NC, in the sense that i didn't really fear losing anything because we were already apart....and we were both being extremely cautious....i know that his ability to be honesty with me stemmed from his work in therapy about this behavior and his almost debilitating fear of his behavior leading back to the horrors of breaking up and NC....now, i believed his answers to my questions....he's said all along that he slept with his wife a few times over the past two years, and i believe that.....i asked for all of the details about how it came to be, and i believe his answers....last year he told me the last time they slept together was last march, and he still is saying the same thing, and i believe him....
do i know if he'll ever sleep with her again?...no, i don't.....but i do believe that if he does it will be because she has bugged him too many times and he'll do what he does to maintain the marriage.....that's another story completely, and i don't even want to begin to get into it, because too many people believe that under no circumstances can it be true that a married man loves a woman if he will not leave his wife for her.....and i've begun to see things differently....it would actually make for a decent debate, though.....but i honestly don't believe that he wants to sleep with his wife, because i know this man, and know how much he wants a connected, fulfilling relationship with a woman, and i also know that if he had that with his wife, he wouldn't be with me at all.....he doesn't want to be with her....he wants to be with me....it took me a very very long time to believe that, but i fully and completely believe it....it's too difficult for me to explain all the reasons why i believe it, but i do.....
and so right now he isn't sleeping with her, and i know he has no intentions of it being any different.....but i also know that i have to prepare myself for that possibility.....and am trying to remain focused on all of the ways he actually shows his love for me, and his undying friendship for me...in being with him again, i have decided that i MUST accept the things he does to maintain his marriage, and when i really looked at those things, i realized that none of those things were evidence that he didn't love me....i used to feel devastated and destroyed if he said they watched a movie on tv on a saturday night....but i know many married friends who are extremely unhappy and can't stand their husbands, and they too will watch movies or go to a movie with their husbands, because that's just what they do.....my marriage is very different, as in there is NO communication and we NEVER do anything together, but i have learned that i can't judge by my marriage....it is quite unusual....most married couples, even if they are totally unhappy, still engage in some activities together, like having dinner with other couples, taking a vacation every year, etc.....it doesn't mean they sleep together or that any of those activities are romantic events in any way.....when i began to look around and realize that there are many couples who fit that description (i know many of them), i began to realize that it was possible that he could love me madly and still sit in a restaurant with his wife for dinner.....this took me an insane amount of time.....
i guess all i'm trying to say is that i'm dealing with the times he's told me that he slept with her in the past because i believe the circumstances of those times, and believe how he told me he felt and feels about it.....i know they do not have any kind of ongoing physical relationship, and if he does what he has to do and occasionally sleeps with her to keep up appearances, at this point i'm feeling it's best if i don't even know about it.....(but i have to be honest and say that i'm hoping it never happens, but i know that's unrealistic)...i don't want to give up what we have together.....at least not while i am married and not ready to separate, which is going to be a while at this point.....when i think about the intensity and depth of our feelings for each other, the friendship that we offer each other, the time and effort we have put into and continue to put into understanding each other and working out the issues that arise in our relationship, and the unbelievably wonderful, romantic, fun, sexy times we spend together, i realize there are some people who never have love like that, married or not, and i don't want to give any of it up....but mostly i don't want to live without his friendship, and he feels the same way......
so what will i do if i ever have to hear that he did sleep with her again?....i don't exactly know....it will probably take me a few days to recover, if i'm able to, and i will try to remain focused on what he and i have together, and as long as i still believe in his love for me, and believe it is real, i think i might be able to get past it......only time will tell....and to be honest with you, when i went back into this this time, i feel very differently.....i'm not as intense about everything any more.....i'm not dying minutes after we part..i'm not walking around with my phone in my hand in case he calls....i'm much more relaxed and comfortable with how he feels about me, not as insecure......i'm seeing things more realistically, as far as my own life goes and his life....i'm allowing for the possibility that he actually does truly love me but is unable to make the changes to be with me, something i never allowed for before....because life is so much more complicated than we wish it were, and people are so much more complex, as well....i'm also realizing that the fairy tale does not exist, and that even though i wanted it ALL with him, i'm realizing that there just ISN'T ANY ALL.....i don't think it exists.....
am i holding back a bit this time?....absolutely....we don't see each other as often as we used to, and we are so much more focused on our friendship than anything else, speaking to each other daily, but not seeing each other as often as we did....we both know that we were too enmeshed constantly and it only led to problems....we're both working hard on making this something that works for both of us, and i'm only assuming that it will work for as long as the good continues to outweigh the bad, or sad, for either of us....i know that i'll never let it get as bad as it got before....i'm not looking to repeat any of that again, or play out the same patterns any more.....we're both working very hard to break old patterns in an attempt to avoid the same old conflicts and problems....so far we've averted a few incidents that normally would have caused huge arguments by communicating better, being honest, and being respectful of each other's feelings....i've come to the conclusion that any and all relationships are an insane amount of work......
pharmgurl, i don't even know if i answered your question!....all i know is there was no easy answer to it, and i'm sure i've given you much more information than you needed (and this was the condensed version!), but somehow i felt it necessary to explain how i got to where i am at this point....i do hope it made some sense......take care and hugs to you, too....ada
wow. It does sound like you love each other--it does sound though, like there will be family vacations on the future, and unfortunately it does sound like he will be intimate with her--perhaps its the price you pay for being with someone who is married??I think you are wise to feel that maybe you shouldnt know about it--however when he does go away with her i would imagine the curiosity would be a killer!!!
I wish you much luck on this journey, youre s stronger woman than i, and I wish you the best.