The addiction to the DRAMA & EXCITEMENT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
The addiction to the DRAMA & EXCITEMENT.
8
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:37pm
Hey everybody...

"I'm just a very confused person who thrives (I repeat, THRIVES) on chaos, drama and making trouble. I always want to be somewhere I have no business being (driving by XMM's house, for example) with someone I have no business being with. " -Mo

Mo's comment about many affairs not being about an unhappy marriage or loving another person really struck a chord with me, and I wanted to explore that further and get everybody's opinion on the subject.

That EXACTLY sums up my feelings on my indiscretions. My marriage isn't perfect, but I want to be in it! I love my husband and I want us to be as happy as we can. I KNOW that making out occasionally with a co-worker who has made it clear that we will never be more than friends with benefits is totally in conflict with my true desire for a happy marriage. BUT I did it anyway, and continue to give in even though I always feel badly after. WHY? Because to me drama is SEXY! I live for drama and excitement, and what is sexier than the idea of someone you admire and like secretly wanting you? (Although sadly, in my case, it seems like it is completely physical on his part) There's a reason that there are so many movies about unrequited love. It's a fantasy and an addiction. For me, over the last year I've had so many family problems and tragedies, that this guilty little pleasure was been an escape from the real world. A distraction that is "just mine" and I don't have to share. I know how ridiculously selfish that sounds, but that's how it is. My own little soap opera that makes me feel hot, sexy, and wanted. I think I want more affection from him than he is willing to give, so that's dangerous. If only the fantasy could stay that way. I feel so addicted to the highs, that I forget about the lows when I'm on my way "up" there. But the lows are so painful.

The excitement is makes me feel alive. I love my husband, but right now the mundane is leaving me unsatisfied. (We just went through a really stressful move that caused us to become kind of divided...we're working our way back, though.)

Does anybody have any thoughts on how do deal with this drama-drive? I look back, and realize that I have always thrived on this. I usually have a high sex-drive when it is wrong, or bad (like in college when I was dating 2 guys at once or when i dated people my friends or parents didn't approve of) and then once I am settled in a relationship (even the best ones) I totally lose that drive. Does anybody else have that problem?

I would love to hear your opinions on this need for drama, and any tips on how to deal with focusing my thoughts and energies back into my life. (I'm afraid I'm going to need a little more than a spiced up sex-life. We are having issues in that area and not back to that point yet.)

Any thoughts?

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 6:33pm
Hi Lilyann,

I love a rollercoaster ride of an A, too, but it's not the drama that I like, it's the excitement. One of the things that I will always remember is that smug little smile I had after meeting with OM - when I realized I had gotten away with something so forbidden by society. I always figured that if no one knew, no one would get hurt, so I could keep up the dangerous game.

Know what else gives me the same high? Public speaking. It's a great thrill, it totally takes over your head for a while, and if done right (I wish!) it strokes the ego as much as any other adventure you can think of. It's got the risk component and the thrill of an EMA, but in the end, there's no horrible, debilitating guilt to ruin my day.

Well, guess I'll go try to write a speech now ;) Ipugerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:42pm
<<<

Well, guess I'll go try to write a speech now ;) Ipugerson>>>>

SLAP ME FIVE, LADY! Great analogy!


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:53am
Hi lilyann,

For me, it's all about that "high" I get, but has more to do with emotions than drama. You know, I was bored one day and completed one of those zodiac personlity things online and found myself very surprised when it nailed me perfectly. It said that I thrive on extremes of emotion simply because to feel nothing is scary. Which is very true for me.

But I go into the A because I was lonely (hence the name)...to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. And I was addicted to it because MM made me feel so good (about myself mostly). So my "high" wasn't the drama of it all but more the intensity of the emotions he made me feel (I'm not into that "heartattack" feeling, though, the excitement of almost but not quite getting caught, getting away with a "no-no". I could definitely have done without that. lol).

K, I just read over my response again and, um, I'm realizing that I'm orobably splitting hairs here. Oh well, here's my response anyway. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:43pm
Oh I have LOTS of thoughts on this one!!!, obviously, since you opened your post with a quote from one of my earlier posts!

I think you touched on something when you said that there was alot of stress and tragedy in your recent past. I know for me that was a huge motivating factor. But there's alot more that I didn't realize until after I ended the A.

This may sound totally off track, but bear with me here: I grew up in an alcoholic household which there was nothing but drama and chaos. I was always totally off-balance, no idea what to expect on any given day. No predictability, no routine. It was all contingent upon my alcoholic parent's mood and how much they had consumed that day. My Therapists have told me, repeatedly, that this sort of unbalance in your early childhood will absolutely lead to a need to continue the drama and chaos throughout your life, until you come to terms with your issues. The only time I feel emotionally centered is when things are chaotic! When everything is calm and peaceful, I feel bored, or like I'm just taking a break between chaotic events.

The other thing that I think drove my A is that I'm the mother of a severely handicapped little boy, and I can't think of many things less glamorous than that. As a child I was overweight, dumpy, never good at athletics, very few friends. Fast forward to adulthood: I decided at some point early in life that I was NEVER going to be overweight, dumpy and sedentary again! To me, that was too vulnerable. I decided never to let anyone see me weak again. So now I'm a lean, mean running machine, I'm a professional with some degrees, clients and my own practice, I've got high-end clothing and handbags, jewelry from Tiffany's, etc. I was trying to create a strong person - the antithesis of everything I was as a child. And I was totally looking outside myself to do that. All the THINGS were about filling a void in me.

Then God sent me a handicapped child to take care of.

I think my A was a last ditch effort to prove a few points: despite being over 40 with a handicapped little boy, I was still HOT (my XMM was younger and a real hottie) and that life on life's terms wasn't going to drag me down and ruin my "fun."

Now fast-forward to today when I realize that my life's work is to take care of this absolutely wonderful little boy with some great challenges and an incurable disease. That the void in my life was not going to get filled by clothes, jewelry, men, new clients, etc. That I needed to find peace within myself. It was a long time to reach acceptance of this and alot of the journey hasn't been very pretty (oh I should mention that I'm a recovering addict).

But the urge for drama and chaos still rears its ugly head whenever my life gets a little tough. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:02pm
Mo, you are really an inspiration.

"Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves

of all those demons haunting us,

to keep us company?

Won't it be odd to be happy like

we always thought we're supposed to feel,

but never seemed to be?"

-- Barenaked Ladies, 'War on Drugs'

It *is* hard to let go of those familiar demons, and "ordinary" life can seem pretty dull after the excitement of an A. And in the beginning it is so hard to imagine the happiness and freedom that will follow when you finally DO learn to let go and move on. I finally feel like I'm there! Which is why I haven't been around here much lately. It's a GREAT feeling. And believe me, if *I* could get to this point, *anyone* can.

xo,

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:37pm
Wow, Mo!

You make so much sense and some amazing points. I think you are very right about the chaos and drama. (P.S. I hope you don't mind my using your quote...I just thought it was AWESOME)

I had some similar experiences- when all the tragedy was going on, I gained a lot of weight. I was so unhappy and totally retreated physically and emotionally. I shut my friends and husband out and even started dressing down. (I am 27 and usually take pride in my appearance!) I was like a rolly-polly bug just trying to curl up away from the world to deal with my grief. Then in the spring, I dropped the weight, bought a cute new wardrobe and started feeling good again. Almost exactly the same time the A started. I think in some way I associate the high I got from him with coming back into the world. Maybe (?) I'm almost afraid that when I end this, I'll go back to matronly, withdrawn, unhappy, chubby, asexual, MARRIED girl. Hmmm......food for thought.

Any thoughts on how to deal with that?

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:40am
I haven't posted here before, but believe me, I've lurked lots. Especially when I miss OM and when I need encouragement for NC. Your post really struck me. Just like you, I realized at the end of my EMA that I was completely addicted to the drama and excitement of it all. Addicted to the feelings my OM made me feel, the thrill of his response via e,tm, or phone calls, and addicted to the drama that resulted from our 1.5 year A.

I feel now like I am conscious of my addiction and feel stronger every day that I keep NC. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I'm not really counting anymore. Today was hard bc I got my phone bill from before we ended the A, his number was all over it.

Anyway, here are some things I like to do when I feel like fallin off the NC wagon:

Call a friend.

Go see a movie.

Go to yoga class or the gym.

Spend an hour outdoors, in nature, where everything is much larger than our own addictions.

Tell yourself that it is an addiction that is completely unhealthy for you.

Tell yourself that it isn't even the OP that you want, it's just the drama.

Know that you don't need the worry and pain that the A causes.

Look yourself in the mirror and smile knowing that YOU are enough to keep yourself happy.

Volunteer with adults/children less fortunate that you, bc there IS REAL drama in this world, the kind that will crush your heart more than any EMA ever could. Just getting a small dose of the horrible trauma that can happen to people randomly is enough to keep me and my silly need for excitement in check. The world brings drama down on us so unexpectedly sometimes, we should save our anguish for those times and enjoy the peace that everyday life has to offer us.

And, if all else fails...

masturb8. It's a proven fact that it triggers happy chemicals in your brain and it always overwhelms my immediate need for attention/drama/pretty much anything else.

I really do feel like I will live a longer, happier life without the drama. I'm trying to learn to be satisfied with just being mellow and steering clear of difficult/unhealthy relationships.

I wish you good luck! Thanks for your post, I'm comforted by our similarities.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:06am
thank you so much, mesnasmen!!!!!!

your post comforted me, too! thanks so much for the great ideas. you are right- there is drama out there much larger and more important than the attention i get from some guy. best of luck in your journey- sounds like you are doing great!!!!!

hugs, lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby