advice -- if H doesn't know of past A
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advice -- if H doesn't know of past A
| Sun, 10-10-2004 - 8:19pm |
There are some on this board who strongly believe that after an A ends the cheating wife should tell the husband if total healing of the relationship is to occur. I understand why you feel that way and I value your opinions. My question, however, is for those of you who ended your A and chose not to tell your H.
How have you come to terms with keeping that kind of secret from your spouse? Has the pain of doing so lessened over time? Any words of wisdom?

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Every relationship is different between a husband and a wife, and we have always been pretty open about everything. I consider myself a very lucky woman because the turmoil could have been alot worse here for us. But we did and are makin it thru. One day at a time.
My advice to others involved, if you feel that you need to tell your spouse do so in what ever fashion best fits your relationship. And move on from there.
I am a no teller, that worked for me but I think it does not work for everyone, some people just can't live with the secret once the affair is over and end up breaking under the internal stress of trying to keep it in.
If your going to tell I would suggest that you do a lot of work on the relationship and yourself first because the news will shake everything right down to the foundations and shake it hard, so things have to be prepared first, telling in the office of your IC can I have heard help.
A little study before hand to learn what to expect and how long to expect it is a good idea, to many X WS want/expect there spouse to get over it in a few weeks or months but most require years of recovery after total no secrets discloser of everything.
Tell everything the first time and be prepared to answer the same questions 10 times if it is asked 10 times.
It's not an easy road but for some it is the only one they can take others don't need to go there.
Free
All cards on the table means everybody knows what's at stake. It also means everyone is on the same page and the relationship can move forward on a foundation of honesty rather than retaining the present undercurrent of lies & deception.
A marriage is a great deal like a business partnership. Both partners have an equal say in deciding what direction the business/marriage should take. If you wouldn't lie or withold vital information to a business partner or associate, why would you consider lying to your spouse? Without full knowledge, how on earth are they supposed to be able to make informed decisions?
Just my 2 pence worth.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
IF you are REALLY past the relationship with OM and you know you would never go back, then why hurt your husband unnecessarily? I do not believe that the truth is always the best policy. SOmethings are better left alone.
IF my husband were to have had an affair and moved on and it was not an issue, I would not want to know about it UNLESS it was a current threat to our marriage. My husband feels the same (not knowing that I have gone there!)
HOWEVER, with that said, if you have to talk to your husband and he has to help you get past this because of bigger marital problems and telling him about the physical side of the affair will help, then maybe the truth is best.
Here is my situation for what it is worth: My husband knows that I have a strong emotional attachment to OM. I have told him just about everything to do with my relationship EXCEPT that we have had sex. There are some things missing in my marriage that I have gotten from OM that I had to be honest with my husband about. This sounds strange, but I never have lied to my husband about where I am, who I am with and the amount of time I have spent with OM. I only didn't tell him the physical activities!
BUT don't misunderstand me - I KNOW THAT WAS THE SAME AS LYING!!!! It just made it easier for me to fool myself!
I'm interested to here other thoughts on the tell or not tell issue. My therapist supports my decision NOT to tell my husband IF I can really shut the door on OM and move forward.
I have also talked with my counselor about telling vs. not telling.
I am past my desire to continue an A (with XOM or anyone else). That doesn't mean I don't miss the guy at times, but I have reached the point where there is no going back, now or ever.
My counselor is also comfortable with me not telling. Her question to me was "Do you want to tell to alleviate any guilt you feel, or do you want to tell because it will help you move forward in your marriage relationship?" I couldn't find a reason that it would help my relationship, at least for now, so I am not telling.
My relationship with my H has always been very good and I am working on making it even better -- which is going very well.
I recognize your points, Posie -- what you say certainly makes sense. But in my case I am taking a different path, at least for now.
"HOW SECRETS SABOTAGE"
"Although we encounter secrets in every area of life, they are perhaps most destructive when kept in the home. Families are support systems; our identity and ability to form close relationships with others depend upon the trust and communication we feel with loved ones. If family members keep secrets from each other--or from the outside world--the emotional fallout can last a lifetime.
There are four main ways that family secrets shape and scar us:
o they can divide family members, permanently estranging them;
o they can discourage individuals from sharing information with anyone outside the family, inhibiting formation of intimate relationships;
o they can freeze development at crucial points in life, preventing the growth of self and identity;
o they can lead to painful miscommunication within a family, causing unnecessary guilt and doubt.
A person who seeks to undo the damage caused by family secrets must accept that revealing a secret is not a betrayal but a necessity. Luckily, as you'll see, it's never too late to do so."
- EVAN IMBER-BLACK
Here's the link for the full article:- http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19980701-000028.xml
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
The way I see it is that H and I have both done things recently that have damaged our relationship. I'm almost 99% sure that he has EMA(s?) in the past which he has not admitted to despite some pretty incriminating evidence.
Instead of dwelling on the things he has done and that I have done. I would prefer to move on and start fresh.
He's been trying really hard (which is why I ended my A) and so I guess it is better for me to concentrate and work on the reasons WHY I had the affair (lack of communication, feeling un-loved etc.) and to solve those problems.
Of course my A was very short (3mths) and I was not in love with OM so I'm not sure if that my A has affected me in the way that it may affect those in a long term A.
I heard it said that an A is a symptom of a problematic marriage, not the cause. Therefore is it not better to cure the disease than the symptoms?
Not sure if that makes sense but hey! I'm not as well written as some of you guys!
The other thing is that I'll have to live with the guilt for a long time (if not forever?) but I'd have to live with that if H knew anyway.
So for now it remains a skeleton in my closet!
m x
I spoke to my therapist about this. She said that from what she's read and learned, there is no real "benefit" to exposing an A to the partner in terms of improving a M. And also, she said that the partners who say "well I am so glad she/he told me b/c this truth is crucial to healing" are in some way just trying to justify their pain ("cognitive dissonance"), when in reality, if you asked them if they'd rather have NOT known, many would probably say "yes." Does that make sense?
I am not telling him b/c the A is over and I am not going back, nor will I ever have another. I still miss and care for the exMM piece of crap, unfortunatley, but I am so much better off without him and grateful it ended. And the reason I had the A in the first place had NOTHING to do with my H...it was all about ME trying to fill a void in an inappropriate way. The problem is internal, and I am dealing with it and healing as best I can through therapy and self-reflection.
I feel a bit of guilt at him not knowing, but am comfortable that if I did tell him, much of it would just be to relieve my own guilt, and I don't see the need to hurt him in order to help me.
It's been months since the A ended and I'm working hard to be a better H. It's not perfect, but we did hit each other with items that we don't seem to appreciate in each other. A step in the right direction I hope.
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This is exactly the same thing I am going through. And that is why I am not telling my H either. There is no way I would ever go back to the A, so I will work toward making my marriage stronger and have chosen not to cause my H any pain.
Posie, thanks for your post, and for the article. I respect your opinion, and as I said earlier, I also understand it. Every situation is different, however, and every person is different; in my opinion we each need to work through our issues in our own way. Please keep posting your opinions; people like you are what makes this board so valuable. we all will not always agree, but if all people were the same what a boring world it would be :-) I truly value being able to hear diverse opinions as we all work our way through these issues.
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