advice need

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
advice need
5
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 12:47pm
First of all thanks so much for all of your posts. They are very helpful. I have been married for the last eight years and have been in an off and on affiar for six years with the same man. My husband is great, we get along well, he adores me, he is a good dad etc. I just can't seem to forget about OM. I think about him all the time. I don't get to see him much, but when I do it's very intense and sad when it's time to say good-bye. We are both getting sick of the situation though. Which is good for me, I really want it over one way or another. He wants to be together. I also want to be with him. However, the practical side of me knows that it isn't going to be that glamorus in the real world with kids involved. I don't want to hurt him. I know that I have held him back in his life and kept him from pursuing other things. Which is very selfish of me. He has kept me from being a good wife at the same time. I don't treat my husband like I should. I am just so ready for something to be done one way or the other. I find myself telling OM what he wants to hear. That is so bad....I know. I have talked to H recently about splitting. He doesn't seem to be willing to go that route. It's just really sad since kids are in the mix. My best bet is to put OM behind me. I just am having SUCH a hard time doing it. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: confusion03
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 4:44pm

Yes, a few suggestions:


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
In reply to: confusion03
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:24pm
I know, I know, thanks for the input. It's just sooooo hard. I don't get to see OM very often. The first year I saw him often and that is when the bonding happened. I woulndn't call it a sexual relationship. I seriously feel like he is my soul mate. I am sure I just feel that way because I don't have him on a daily basis. I know that I need to put it all behind...it's just so sad. I wish I would have never met him. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: confusion03
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:18pm


If you really want to end it then go NO CONTACT period that is the ownly way it will happen nothing else works, then get into something that requires you to be a giveing person not a selfish one like a food bank or soup kitchen.

GOOD LUCK

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: confusion03
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:52am
Oh yes, Confusion, I just experienced the same thing. Here's what happened for me: OMM loved me and wanted to move forward. H was seeing OW but really wanted to get back in the M. I made up my mind to end the M and move forward with OMM. As I started taking small steps in this direction, I became painfully aware that I didn't want to end the M. Once I reached that level of awareness, it became impossible to keep leading OMM on. I began to see my actions as selfish and spiritually vacant. I couldn't live with myself. I was, as a previous poster pointed out, a cake-eater. My H makes lots of $$$, which I was spending, he was taking care of my kids and maintaining all his obligations around the house. I was getting the physical intimacy from OMM. Once I truly realized what I was doing, I was a bit disgusted with myself. My behavior was totally unfair to both of these men, and was keeping either of them from moving forward with their lives.

About 6 weeks ago, I told OMM that I had come to the realization that I was not going to end my marriage and it wasn't fair to him to remain in this relationship with me. As far as I knew, my H was still involved in his relationship with OW. However, in the following weeks I realized the extent to which my involvement with OMM was taking my heart and mind away from my family. I didn't realize it while it was happening, but once I started NC with him, things began to really fall into place at home. Within about 2 weeks, H had noticed the change and confided that he was wondering if we could try the M thing again. At that point, I confided that I had ended my relationship with OMM, but made it very clear that I did not expect him to end his relationship with OW. He did it anyway. We're now beginning to heal from all the gunk we've been carrying on for the past few years and bonding again a little bit.

So much of the chaos an A causes is truly not apparent while its going on. And despite everything my OMM promised, I do believe that part of what made the A sooooo attractive was the fact that we weren't doing "life" together. We weren't raising kids, paying bills, keeping a house. As we all know, these are the things that take a marriage apart. I began to realize that if I was blessed to have a wonderful H in my life with whom I could get thru "life", why in the world was I messing around with someone else???? Selfishness.

Best of luck to you. If you decide to take a step in either direction, I will support you, because I can totally identify with how difficult this is.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
In reply to: confusion03
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:07am
Wow! You hit the nail on the head. I totally agree with everything. I know I have been being selfish, especailly to OM since he gets all this false hope from me. It's really pretty easy for NC since he lives very far away from me. If he was in the same town I don't know if I could stay in the marriage..hehe.. I am just crazy. I usually talk to him once or twice a week. It's just really hard right now because I just spent time with him at the end of Feb. I realized then that I can't keep this up. It's just so sad. I plan to tell him very soon that I can't talk to him anymore. I will keep you posted. Thanks so much for your input. Congrats to you for making the NC happen too. That would be really hard to do since H was in an A too. You are a strong person to work that out. Has it still been 6 weeks of NC? wheewwww......hard, hard

So your husband knows about your A? Mine has no idea.