Advice needed...

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Advice needed...
6
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 10:30pm
Oh dear, oh dear...just when things start looking up life throws you a curve ball.

I'm at about 8 weeks NC. Doing pretty well and 98% of the time totally accepting that the affair is over and life is going to be different - better, more peaceful, honest, real etc. During these 8 weeks I have hardly seen OM. Even though he lives across the street and our paths can potentially cross many times per week, I have avoided him like the plague and its really helped.

However, starting next week that is going to change. We both have children on the same sports team and unfortunatly this is also at a time when my husband won't be able to attend many of the evenings. I feel confident in my resolution to have no further relationship with OM, but I guess what I don't know is how to 'be' around him. Many of my other friends will be there, so I can't be overly rude, nor do I feel I should be, but I want to really watch too how much I 'let him in' - lets just say, I finally know better. Also, part of me is mad at him for everything - he's so manipulative and has lied to me so many times. And although I know he loved me, he let me down so many times and played things so he always got what he wanted. I guess I feel used - although I certainly was a willing participant in the affair and I probably said things I didn't mean as well, still I don't know...it just makes me feel angry. It seems like he just thought 'OK, not working with you - I'm back to being happy with my wife then and everything is rosey'. For me, it has gotten better, but its a sllooooowwww process. Mighty slow.

Anyway, I'm rambling...my question is - do I act as though nothing happened - I'm fine - everythings great. OR do I be cold (as I'm feeling) cause I have a lot of anger and hurt in me still OR do I not give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me (or that I hurt myself - depending on how you look at it). I just feel so embarassed that I was involved in an affair. I feel like he looks at me as trashy now, and I'm not - I loved him and believed a whole pile of crap that I shouldn't have.

I know I sound in bad shape - really I'm fine, just stressed over how to best act. Not for him, but what's best for me. I'm not worried about slipping, I just want to continue on with the least amount of pain and obsessing over this man. In a way I think this is actually a good next step in helping me move past this affair - to see that I can see him, and its nothing.


Edited 4/23/2004 10:35 pm ET ET by crystal_clr

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 10:49pm
HI Crystal

How to act try with indifferance, he simple does not matter never did.

If he tries to start a conversation, the weather, the sports scores, nothing in the least personal about you him or you respective spouses and marrages.

GOOD LUCK

Free


Edited 4/23/2004 11:23 pm ET ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:05pm
boy that is tough having to see him & interact with him. My greatest gift is that we live in a large city & travel in different circles!

I vote for "I'm fine. Everything's great with me." but indifferent and cooly amicable. Not like you HATE him which is part of that whole emotional game but sort of like you'd treat your Ex-Husband if you shared custody -- I have to get along with you because you're in my life. I'd really prefer not to see you but it's in my best interest (because it would be in your kids' best interest) to get along.

You'll be okay. Look at what happened, learn from it & move on. Even if you see him everyday, you're extricating yourself from the drama/trauma of the "relationship" and putting everything back where it belongs. Sort of like spring cleaning. It's the perfect time for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 4:02pm

Crystal, as I have had contact with GB due to his business relationship with Sean (DH), I know how difficult it can be when having to face him or even speak to him. My advice is to keep it impersonal and professional. Keep any answers to personal questions as brief as possible. Only discuss what may relate to the kids and the team and then only when necessary.


Do not be rude and ignore the man. That's not the way to teach your children or their teammates. At this point, what happens between you and xMM should not matter. What does matter is the kids and the team and the other parents.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:41am
I have to have contact with my xMW. I agree that being professional but not overly hostile. It can back fire though. Its seems at times when I am the most distant she choses that opportunity to tell me that she is still in love with me or something else just as "bad". Then of course it knocks me back. Luckily I only have to work with her once or twice a week.

PS (to Chris) Sean must be an amazing individual.

-B

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:10pm

Yes, TK, Sean is an amazing individual. He's stuck by/with me through a lot of traumatic times and good times over the last 14 years (We met in April of '90 and I started working for him May 1, '90). He loves me enough to love me unconditionally.


Now, back to you! GB used to do that to me, too. He'd feel me backing off and he'd come up with "I'm in love with you." Since we were still somewhat involved at the time, I told him that I didn't want to hear any of it. I told him that he could tell me he loved me but not that he was 'in love' with me. I don't think I was ever 'in love' with him. In fact, as we said our final good-byes to our affair, he really gave me a good one. He told me that he had always imagined us growing old together, me being his life partner. He was so sure that he and I were soulmates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:44pm
i have this same problem. I see xMM every week for little leage (i coach a team and am a commissioner for one of the divisions--he is in charge of the entire league).

the way i have handled this is to act like nothing has happened at all. it's very hard--but it's getting easier. I conduct baseball business with him--i must, as that is my job--but we never acknowledge one another on the field--which is almost worse, because EVERYONE involved knows we were very good friends last year. Even my H has said: Aren't you and I just sort of take the lead xMM provides--which has been he doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever. Last year, by contrast, he would walk across the field to say hello and give me a kiss on the cheek). ANYWAY. . .

The decision i have to make is whether or not i have to give this up for next season. This is the only last contact we have: little league. Full NC means i can no longer coach or commission anymore which really makes me sad. (my team is having an incredible winning season and i am a very good commissioner).

Those are choices i have to make, but i don't have to make them until next January when we have sign ups. NC may mean i have to give up this part of my life (coaching) that i am so good at and enjoy so much.

I would just act like nothing happened. Move on. Do your best, but honestly, it hasn't been easy for me, but it is getting better.

Clarice