Advice needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Advice needed!
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:50pm
Seeing new man divorced single dad things going well, or so I thought my need for XMM almost gone, no longer feel the need to contact him and new man is who I have started to wake up thinking about.

Anyway we were cuddled up on the sofa last night all cosy and romantic with a glass of wine and I asked him exactly why his marriage had broke up.

He told me he had had a 18 month affair and had been madly in love with his OW and couldn't keep his hands off her, had spent loads of money travelling around meeting her in hotels etc. He wanted her to leave her husband and move with her children to be with him. I asked if he had lied to his wife this whole time and he said yes he had denied it. They had decided to tell their spouses when the time was right but OW kept putting it off, but my new chap let it out to his wife during a row. His wife then contacted the OW husband and told him (he didn't beleive it)OW was mad it had come out. She decided to stay with her husband for the sake of her children. So he then told me it had been over for a year so I asked when was the last time you spoke to her and he said last week!

I felt as if the rug had been pulled from under me, he explained they had had NC for a year but then his youngest daughter had gone to live with him and she is friends with his OW daughter, so they talk occassionally and he still sees her and her husband sometimes. I then admitted that who I had been seeing was married and that I couldn't say much as we had only talked last week. He told me again it had been over for a year.

The thing is I wont contact XMM if he contacts me or I see him out will talk but as my feeling for new man grow I would tell him all contact to stop (it's very rare now anyway)n but new man still talks to and sees his OW and if he felt so much for her what if he still does. He said her marriage is really bad and she will leave eventually when the children are more independent, I should imagine their daughters are the same age 13 so that could be in a matter of say 3 years.

If things continue to develop between us how do I know that if she leaves her marriage he wont go off with her. I feel so confused and pretty vunerable at the moment thought this was going to be a straight forward relationship and now I don't know.

He did say he had been wondering how and when to tell me and that he could of lied and told me he had ended affair but thought I deserved to know the truth. I did go very quite and he asked if I was ok so I told him I didn't want to get fond of him and then get hurt and he repeated that it had been over for a year.I feel so mixed up. Sure my XMM wife would love this!

Any thoughts