Advice needed on ending

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Advice needed on ending
6
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 7:38am

Here is a snap shot of my A: both married, coworkers, started 11/08. Dday on his side 4/09. He leave company 8/09. There follows three years of flux between daily chats and this is the end phone calls.

I can only call his private work number and he NEVER calls my cell unless I have called him first in case I stayed home from wotk that day or my DH has my phone. We only see each other once a year now.

In June I manage 20 days NC after telling him I am done. Then I break nc. We talk off and on. Then we both have vacation and I just don't call again, since July 27.

Yesterday I received a call from a payphone in the town where he works. I know it was him. He leaves no message. He was always very protective of me and I know he must be worried that something awful has happened to me. But he is also protecting himself by not calling from his work number, not using his cell, not calling my job. But I feel like a heel not telling him I'm ok, just done with this whole A.

I want to leave a msg that says " I am done. Please don't call me again." He would respect my wishes. Seems more humane then leaving him worried.

Ok wise Ladies AND Gentlemen. . . Advice???

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 8:42am

Is he going crazy with worry by not hearing from me?

Is that one of the things that you are thinking?

It really doesn't matter.  Leaving a message is leaving a thread to connect you with him one more time.  It's like a spider web.  It can draw him back, it can make him crazy with questions, or..........it could be closure.  The latter, I don't think so much. Chances are it's just one more chance to continue.

The one more time contact is the hardest thing to put out of our our minds.  We make ourselves the bad guy by thinking that they are going to think that we didn't care.  Clear?  We try to put thoughts in their minds. We want to look good for them.  We want them to realize how much they are missing. 

Reality.  They know.  They aren't dumb.  Not stupid.  They know.

They may have those thoughts, the ones we all have.  Maybe if I had done something different.  Maybe if I had said...........   The MAY BE'S. 

It doesn't matter.

We worry about what they MIGHT think.  Shame on us for being the dumb ones.

It gets easier.  The longer you go, the better it gets.  You may have moments of weakness when you get the MAY BE'S, but it does get easier. 

If you honestly want to end it, then don't do anything.  He will find out you aren't dead. He will get the hint. Nothing can be gained from ONE LAST TIME.  Getting in the last word does nothing. 

This is the time of decision, what do you really want.  ENDING it???

Stay the course.  It works.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:20am

Morning Song41

I wouldn't do anything.  He'll figure it out.

I feel that everyone is owed a goodbye...I am done.  HOWEVER, if we've gone back on our word multiple times, then just being done and gone and staying done and gone is the best route.

And another way I look at it, every time we make contact just one more time...even through a message, email, text...etc, we push the envelope towards a Discovery Day.

And just one more way I see it, you've already got almost 30 days of NC going under your belt...might as well keep going.

So far you've received...two 'do nothing' from one wise man and one wise lady :smileyhappy:

Your name is familiar...have you been on the Board before? 

Clarity


Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:09am
Hi, Song.

Kudos to you for wanting to be humane. But let's be honest. There's nothing humane (or honest, for that matter) about an affair. We lie to ourselves. We lie to our spouses. We cheat people to whom we have responsibilities. So it's a good impulse wanting to ease your xap's mind about you but our impulses don't serve us very well in the affair and contacting him now will result in the exact opposite of ending your affair.

I agree with RBM. You have to decide whether you truly want this to end. And you know contacting him will mean more contact. That's the history you describe.

So, let me ask you. Why are you done? What is it that's not working for you any more? Sit with that reason. Turn it over. Is it likely to get better or worse if you don't end? How much energy do you have for this affair that's going nowhere? How is it that you only see him once a year? Did he move away or is it just a matter of conflicting priorities (i.e. you two have greater priorities than each other)? Actions speak.

My last bit of advice is this: don't sit out here where it's hard. These early weeks are tough going. If you keep breaking NC after two or three weeks, you never get to know the peace of going further. Once you get over the habit of hearing from him and reaching out to him, once you let go of the idea that this is a sustainable relationship, once you re-engage yourself in your marriage and family life, then you will be surprised how much peace will flow back to you. No more monitoring your phone for his next call. (IMO, calling you from a payphone breaks the rules you've been playing by. What if your husband had had your phone? Nothing like a hang-up to raise suspicions. But I digress.) No more wondering that he's worried. No more trying to sort out your annual get together. Just time for you to have your feet in your life and enjoy what is going on around you.

In your mind, wish him well and let him go. That truly is the humane thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 4:10pm

Songs, Thirteen days ago I stopped responding to my Xap, too.  No email, no call...nothing.  I know how you're feeling.  I do feel bad, but I know he knows why and I'm going to leave it a that.  I wanted to send an email explaining, but whatever I have to say has been said so many times before, there really is nothing left to say.   I'm afraid of what he has to say, afraid that whatever he has to say may suck me back in.  So, my advice would to be keep moving forward, I'm sure he knows you're ok.  This is all about you now, not him.  It's better just to stay silent. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 6:57pm
Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies. Clarity is right I have been here before. I am back for good now.

I see more clearly now that my peace of mind HAS to trump his feelings. If he didn't realize it was over before he probably gets it now. He'll get over it.

I don't want to go back. I will not falter this time. I feel like a whole honest person again.

But I bet I win the gold medal for the longest ending of an A on record!! 3 years of see saw. I think I can stick the dismount this time!