Advice..have some & need some please!
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 03-13-2005 - 9:17am |
Hi Everybody!
I am an oldtimer here. I posted regularly from April 04-October 04. I see so many new faces! Just to give you a little background without boring you all to pieces, last March a co-worker who I had always been pretty good work-friends with started heavily flirting with me. I am married and he lives with his GF. I was kind of at a low point (family drama, deaths, DH out of town a lot...basically lonliness) and the flirting felt good. And we were friends, so I thought "he cares about me and wouldn't cross the line and jeopardize my marriage." Well, I was wrong about LOTS of things. He intensely pursued me and gave me the attention I didn't even know I needed. He made it clear that no emotions could be involved...that he didn't want to wreck a marriage or his relationship. But that we were "really good friends" who happened to be very attracted to each other. Yeah....no emotions there, right? Long, long, LONG story short, he wore me down. I accept responsibility for my actions, but I was absolutely manipulated and vulnerable then. We never had IC, but had very intense meetings on and off from April until September. The pattern was always the same...he ALWAYS contacted me. Never the other way around. He "missed our friendship" and talking to me, I was a bright spot at work for him, and basically flattered me into thinking we WERE friends who made a mistake that couldn't happen again. Well, that lovely sentiment lasted about 3-4 emails and then BOOM! he was still attracted to me, he didn't want it to be over, he missed the sexual chemistry we had, blah blah blah. To be honest, when this was happening, he would have me SO seduced and high on endorphins that I would meet him for one last time. Our encounters were amazing and passionate, and the next day he ALWAYS ALWAYS got cold and told me we needed to stop. I never wanted to start, but I let him in just a little and I got myself worked up into a frenzy and caved. Again, I take responsibility because I KNEW his pattern and I KNEW things were better when we had NC! But it always hurt the next day. I was used and felt it. It was so painful. Rejection, even when it IS necessary, always hurts. We fell into a very dangerous


Pages
I am no expert here but if that was all you said
"he's no angel" and his friend was confused. I said "you guys talk, I know you know things" and he was totally perplexed.
Then I would think that you should just blow it off. Act like it was no big deal and maybe you had heard some things, rumors or whatever. The more you discuss it or make a big deal of it, the more it seems like there is something there. If they are good friends he may mention it to x but probably won't spread it around. If x is mad oh well, sorry what else can you do? Learn from it, move on, and don't let it consume you. You know how office gossip is, there is always something new coming up....
Hi Lily,
~I remember you~ One day you just stopped posting....I am happy to see it was because you were finally through with it all. Most times people disappear on here because they have fallen off the wagon and don't want us to know ;)
Anyway,
<>>
You do NOTHING. Do not even broach the subject. Chalk it up to memory deficiency due to alcohol poisoning :) Bringing it up only reinforces that what was said, is true, or why are you continuing to justify it? Let it go. Play stupid. Play, "HUH? I said what?"
I don't think you have anything to worry about. Most best friends or close friends don't want to get in the middle of anything, especially if it is based on speculation or heresay. They don't want to hurt their friend, and/or associate. If by the remote chance it does get back to XOM then you have ALL the more reason to ignore his posts, comments, whatever may spew from his mouth. Just concentrate of your Miranda Rights. "You have the right to remain silent...."
Mum's the word, sweetie. It will be OK.
Id
Hi Lily,
I lurk here occasionally myself and was very active on this board during the same time you were during the past summer. I read your current plsting and just had to respond with a little encouragement. My opinion is, Don't sweat it. I mean, the incident with your XMM's partner the other night and what you said. He was probably drinking too and won't think much of it if anything. My advice is don't say a word more about it at work. Just act like it didn't happen and I ageree with the other posting on this, if XMM gets angry, tough!
As for your thoughts of him which have been resorected due to this, hey, take it from me, another successful A recoveree, we just have those days sometimes and it will pass. Just stick to the life and plan that has been working so successfuly for you all these past months, and you will make it just fine. As Scarlett Ohara in Gone with the Wind said, "tomorrow is another day."
It is really great to hear that things are going well for you. I am so glad to hear that there are others such as myself who have gotten themselves free of the A mess, and yes, I agree with you that this board and people such as Free were instrumental in helping me also. In my situation, God also took a merciful hand, having my XMM take a job outside my office and my building last October thus, definitely giving me space and the opportunity for NC. XMM has contacted me a few times by phone and has come to my office twice in the past months and we are cordial with one another. He did try to play the game to get me back by calling me on occasions that he knew would make me sentamental such as his 50th birthday and on our first snowfall of the winter. But, I kept it on a very light note although it did stir feelings inside me, but as long as I didn't contact him back, within a few days, those feelings subsided and life got back to normal.
Hang in there. This too shall pass and you will be okay. When you go back to work, just act like nothing ever happened.
Take care and good luck.
IP
You asked for advice on what to do now that you babbled to xOM's work partner.
Here's mine:
SAY NOTHING.
Put the entire incident out of your mind. Chalk it up to "too much to drink". If you're confronted by the partner, tell him you don't remember all the details of the night and you'd prefer to leave it at that. If you're confronted by xOM, tell him you're through talking to him about your personal life and leave it at that. DO NOT bite at any attempt he may make to bait you into continuing a conversation about it.
Keep to your guns about NC and the xOM. From what you've posted, this guy is a passive agressive manipulative misogynist that you are best to avoid any further personal contact.
Go home and kiss husband.
Repeat kisses as necessary to get hubby worked up and proceed to bedroom....
You know the rest......
Lily
Nice to here from you again, in this business NO NEWS is usually Good news, But I do wonder at times how people are doing, on the whole you sound real good.
Now to your little problem, You drank to much, YOU HAVE KNOW IDEA WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT IF QUESTIONED, but do not bring it up to the other guy, if you give him idea that you play around on your hubby your going to have him and/or other guys hitting on you in that place....STARVE the romour mill to death do or say nothing to feed it.
Stay away from the grape unless you hubby is with you, IMPOSE NO CONTACT again and focus on you and hubby and you will get past this with out harm.
Learn from your mistakes, apply waht you have learned and move forward in life the past is a dead issue see it that way.
Blessings on that new family your starting.
Free
Lily, I'm happy I read your post, because I've been avoiding certain social gatherings for the past few months because I couldn't handle seeing XMM hanging around his new "interest". He's married, but it wasn't his W that bothered me..we were all friends (for lack of a better word), but rather this woman who has edged her way into our social circle. They have a mutual attraction for each other and watching it makes me sick to my stomach. THAT was the major reason why I ended things.
Well I haven't been going out with my social circle, but ran into many people this weekend somewhere else, and everyone is talking about the gathering this coming weekend. Of course, XMM is ALWAYS there, and this OW more than likely will be there too. My friends are all asking "you guys going this time??!! We miss you there!" I've been wondering if I should say the hell with it, and just go, even though I still have serious doubts if I can handle it.
After reading your post, I really did some more thinking about this. It dawned on me that this situation has likely gotten no better, in fact, it's likely they are even closer then before I left because I haven't been around to "keep an eye on him". I used to try to go with the idea that I wouldn't let him get to me, and that I'll just show him I can have my own good time without him or his attention. But I know that's not so..I know how angry I am over this still and I shouldn't go.
So thanks for posting <> He may think I'm going there to see him, and I don't want to give him that idea, but I DO miss my old friends and my old life, but I guess real change is in order here..there's no going back :(
Lovely Lily!!!
So nice to hear that you are doing well and that you MADE IT TO THE OTHER END...safely! You are amazing! Be proud of how far you have come. Its no easy feat but you did it and I cant tell you how happy I was to hear your news. You motivated me to keep going. I have had some major relapses but I am at the end of this ride. I have stepped off the roller coaster and I am working really hard to stay off. I have committed to seeing a T, as I realized that there was more to this A than I would have liked to admit. I realized that after a back and forth struggle that I could not do this by myself and thus the committment to seeing a T once a week. It is really helping me and giving me the strength and courage to not only beat this A addiction but to face some other demons hidden in my closet.
In any case, I agree with all the other posts here. Just ignore it. Also, honey, keep in mind that guys really do not over analyze things like us crazy chicks. He probalby didnt give it much more thought. If it does come up, blow it off and come up with something else as the explanation. You were pretty vague with that statement so I am sure you can think of something work related to blow it off. Dont give it much more thought than that. You are fine. I dont think its as bad as it seems in your mind.
I am sooooo proud and happy for you! You have continued to inspire me to keep going! I CAN DO THIS!
Wishing you lots of peace, happiness and continued strength. I also wish you special blessings for a start to some "additions" to your family. It is the best thing in the world!
xoxoxo!!!!
Dipss
Oh my gosh...
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I have been dying to reply to each of you, but have not been at my desk at work this week so haven't had a block of time with no one over my shoulder. I will reply to you all later, I just wanted to thank you and tell you how much your responses meant to me. I was a little nervous that posting would remind me of the lowest point of my life, and bring me back there. Instead, it reminded me that I am not alone, and that during that terrible time, I had wonderful friends here and great support. You all helped me get through that hell, and I love you all for it!
I saw his partner on Monday and he asked me if I had recovered. (I am SO proud. }:I ) I laughed and said yes, I feel much better thanks. I told him that I probably should've stuck to my original plan of going home after work, and he said "No! We all had a great time and are glad you went. We'll have to do it again sometime." He was very friendly, not a word was said about XOM, so I think it's ok. He is a much nicer guy that XOM, so he probably won't do anything to stir things up with him.
I am still a little nervous about next week. I don't know why, and maybe I need to go see my counselor again to figure this out, but the last few days, I have felt EXACTLY like I did after an encounter. I feel guilty, like I lost control, and have been clinging to DH like glue. I feel like I am holding my breath for the other shoe to drop. Yeah, that's it. I haven't been able to articulate it until now. I did lose a some control and footing Friday night when I got talkative, but all in all, being faced with xOM and GF in a surprise attack, I did pretty well. In front of him anyway. So I feel like I somehow got back into this, even though I know I am not. I have such anxiety and I can't seem to shake it.
I know that the worst thing that can happen is this...his partner tells him everything, he sends me a nasty email that upsets me, I play dumb and spend the rest of my time working there feeling awkward and hostile towards each other. Oh, and I look like
Lily
YOU ARE OBSESSING AGAIN::::STOP IT NOW.
What you experienced IS the same thing you did during the affair the stress of being in the same room triggered your fight flight reflex and the same old nasty brain chemicals were released thats way you feel the same way.
I cannot agree with the gentleman that incouraged you to attend these functions your not ready just yet you have your evidence of that in your reaction.
If you insist on going and cannot take hubby with you then I suggest limit yourself to no more then ONE (1) drink then make an exit regardless of who may not like it.
Let us know when your on the mommy path.
Free
Oh, Free...Believe me, I ABSOLUTELY agree with you. No more happy hours. I'm going to suggest dinner after work when my co-workers (the close ones, not XOM) want to get together outside of work. And if there ever is one that I feel like I *need* to attend (like a going away or something) and I feel ready, DH WILL come with me. I will make sure of that. I've told my best friend about it all and she agrees and will hold me to it. I'd rather be with hubby anyway. :) I just appreciated him (the partner) being so nice and relaxed about it. It made me feel better about the whole thing.
So good to hear from you. I will keep in touch better.
Pages