Advice..have some & need some please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Advice..have some & need some please!
26
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 9:17am

Hi Everybody!


I am an oldtimer here. I posted regularly from April 04-October 04. I see so many new faces! Just to give you a little background without boring you all to pieces, last March a co-worker who I had always been pretty good work-friends with started heavily flirting with me. I am married and he lives with his GF. I was kind of at a low point (family drama, deaths, DH out of town a lot...basically lonliness) and the flirting felt good. And we were friends, so I thought "he cares about me and wouldn't cross the line and jeopardize my marriage." Well, I was wrong about LOTS of things. He intensely pursued me and gave me the attention I didn't even know I needed. He made it clear that no emotions could be involved...that he didn't want to wreck a marriage or his relationship. But that we were "really good friends" who happened to be very attracted to each other. Yeah....no emotions there, right? Long, long, LONG story short, he wore me down. I accept responsibility for my actions, but I was absolutely manipulated and vulnerable then. We never had IC, but had very intense meetings on and off from April until September. The pattern was always the same...he ALWAYS contacted me. Never the other way around. He "missed our friendship" and talking to me, I was a bright spot at work for him, and basically flattered me into thinking we WERE friends who made a mistake that couldn't happen again. Well, that lovely sentiment lasted about 3-4 emails and then BOOM! he was still attracted to me, he didn't want it to be over, he missed the sexual chemistry we had, blah blah blah. To be honest, when this was happening, he would have me SO seduced and high on endorphins that I would meet him for one last time. Our encounters were amazing and passionate, and the next day he ALWAYS ALWAYS got cold and told me we needed to stop. I never wanted to start, but I let him in just a little and I got myself worked up into a frenzy and caved. Again, I take responsibility because I KNEW his pattern and I KNEW things were better when we had NC! But it always hurt the next day. I was used and felt it. It was so painful. Rejection, even when it IS necessary, always hurts. We fell into a very dangerous

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:12pm

Hey there,


I just wanted to thank all of you again got your responses and give you an update on my happy hour scandal...Blabbergate, if you will. LOL!


Well, I am back in town and so is xOM. I return to work tomorrow morning and it will be the first time we've been at work together since that damn happy hour. I decided to check my email from home this evening so I would not be blindsighted if I had am email from him. I did. 2 actually. I have not replied, but they went something like this...


"How are you doing?? I had fun at last Friday, and I heard you did too! LOL! It was nice for all of us to get together and then I went on my awesome vacation. You really should go! It was amazing. Beautiful weather.


So you said you think things are weird between us...I didn't think so.

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:29pm

Lily

There is NO REASON TO RESPONED at all don't do it your only opening a can of worms and gives him ideas.

Go to work and be a PRO then go home at quiting time leave happy hour for the single folks unless your there glued to hubbies arm.

Always nice to here from you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:04pm

Hey Lily! Glad to see that you're still maintaining...

<<>>

And look where you are today...agonizing over an innocuous comment you made at a drinking event. First of all, you're absolutely correct that men aren't like women and they don't take every little thing we say and play around with it and wonder about it and drive themselves crazy trying to figure it out. His partner has probably long since forgotten your conversation. Second of all, there's no damage control here. Ignore the entire conversation. Selective retention. Say what???? What conversation????

The whole exchange seems like a big deal to you because you know what's going on in your head. To the casual listener, they've got no idea what you're thinking so they're not going to give it anywhere near the level of importance that you are.

Let it go.

<<>>

Oh how easy it is to ignite THAT fire again! Stupid little things, when they happen at just the right time, can make me think about XMM and shake me a bit and I hate that. I've been out for more than 1 year and I'm so happy rebuilding my marriage. It's like a cyclone trying to suck you back in against your will and against your best judgment.

Sometimes I even need to step back from these boards because even the academic debate for the sake of exploring my thoughts and feelings (afterall, we can't just repress them, can we????) can get me thinking again, and that's a very dangerous thing.

Hang in there, Lily. This will all be okay. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:06pm

Always nice to hear from you, too Free. :)


I'm sure you are right. I just hate loose ends. I hate the thought of seeing him in the halls and there's that "she blabbed about me and then didn't respond...what's she hiding" cloud hanging over me. i feel like i will look more guilty if i ignore him. i dunno. feels weird, but i know you are right.


you are so right about the happy hour...no more unless hubby is there with his hands on me at all times! that is the way to keep a connection. not getting bombed without him. i'm not 20 and single anymore. i am a married adult who loves her husband and puts him first. not that i can't have a night out with the girls or my family members...i believe that we don't have to be joined at the hip. but HEALTHY situations always. no more unhealthy ones. my best friend is supporting me in this and is helping to ensure that anything we do is positive, safe, and healthy...no more drunk dialing (remember THAT fiasco from the summer? ugh) and no more bad situations. my family-to-be is too important.


how've you been? email me sometime and update me. hope work isn't killing ya!


Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:12pm

Aw, thanks Mo. You seem so GOOD! What an inspiration. I've thought of you and your family often and wondered how you are.


Unfortunately, his partner DID remember and said something to him. I just posted an update in this post

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:36pm

Still awake, Lily, although I should get off this darned board and get some sleep!

Okay, so I saw your updated post. IMHO, DON'T RESPOND! Or if you absolutely feel compelled like *you're not going to sleep or eat* compelled, acknowledge his comment about your work product and THAT'S IT. You don't owe any explanation. If he doesn't want his partner to think poorly of him, he shouldn't do things that might result in his partner thinking poorly of him. Whatever. Lily, honey, you're going to have to let this one go, and stay the heck away from those happy hours, willya? It's a recipe for disaster, I tell ya. You, the XMM, his new OW, alcohol, other people who work in the same office...YIKES! Why not throw a kareoke machine and a loaded handgun into the mix????

And hey, I don't remember that "drunken dialing" episode, but I think most of us have BTDT at one time or another, right?

Goodnight, Lily!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:45pm

Lily

You know your obssessing again, I strongly suggest that you STOP your INVESTING to much time and emotional energy in this, you only produce so much of that energy and any of it that you invest in XOM you are not investing in your relationship with DH THIS IS A BAD THING.

It does not matter at all how you look to XOM guilty or not HE DOES NOT MATTER you have nothing other then a PROFESSIONAL relationship with him the quality of your work matters in your work place, when your at work focus on your product.

Oh and who is he going to tell that you blabbed anyway HIS GIRLFRIEND....A NON ISSUE except in your own head.

Just let it DROP don't mention it again it will go away if you let it.

Now stop take a deep breath and refocus your minds eye on your husband and the babies he is going to give you. CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS FOR THEY CONTROL YOUR DESTINY.

I will drop you a line some time in the next few days, work has been a bear we took on two new large customers sense ast we spoke.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:37am

Hey Mo,


Thanks again for reeling me in. At the moment I am at the "can't sleep can't eat" point which is NOT good. I know that. I think I am going to stay home today (nasty flu) so that will give me one more day to calm down and collect myself. I agree those happy hours are a recipe for disaster. I lose control when I drink...and that control that I allow to slip away was VERY hard to come by and took many tears and times when I HAD to be strong and go against my urges. I need to gain it back, and one way to do that is to just not respond. Honestly, I can't promise that I have the strength to do that at the moment. I want to set things right, but I will take some more time try to get there.


Thanks Mo!!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:45am

Yes, Free, you are right as usual...I am definitely obsessing. Trying to calm down this morning. It doesn't help matters that I was looking forward to DH coming home last night for our baby date (hehe) for many reasons...one was to

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:55am

Lily

We all have bump in the road days/nights were things don't go the way we want with HUSBAND, remember that is just the moment it will pass and there will be much better times and you will have thoses DATES, see it for what it is and keep your eyes and heart open to hubby for a rematch, in the short term the watch word is IMPULSE CONTROL, regardless of how you feel your in CHARGE of your impulses and feelings there not in charge of you, EVERYTHING we do is a Decision so CONTROL the decisions don't make excuses for them.

Your children are depending on you to make the right DECISIONS and to bring them into a good home with a good father and mother.

Free