Affair Burnout

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Affair Burnout
3
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:57am
I ended my just over 3 1/2 year affair last night with a MM. I tried to end it once before - May 2003 - but it didn't last. This time it will. I am too tired of the whole thing - lies, schedules, cancellations and disappointments. I finally realized that the hurt so outweighted the happiness. My self-esteem has pretty much hit rock bottom. I am so tired of trying to arrange time for us to get together only to be placed last on his list of priorities. I am not mad at him, nor did we argue, I just want off the rollercoaster. Too many ups and downs and it is making me sick. He said he doesn't want it to end but that he knew it would end someday and that if we keep going eventually we will get caught but I could tell that he was mad at me - he turned extremely stern and cold. I know that he will not contact me - it is not his style - he is very proud and stubborn. I held on to the fact last night that I did my best to keep things together but I am too tired to carry on anymore.

SAM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: kgmsam
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:11am
Consider yourself lucky that it happened this way and that you were the one tired of it. I know it's probably painful for you and you will go through periods of missing him. Be strong and resist the urge. You deserve to have a good self-esteem and feel good about yourself. Most of all you deserve to have someone love you and only you, and have all the time in the world to spend with you. Congrats on realizing when you've had enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: kgmsam
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:24pm
Sam -

I know it's SO hard. You can become SO attached even to the pain. I also ended my 3.5 year affair -- in March 2003 so I'm here to say, it is hard but it does get easier. I'll be honest, it was still so hard - even though, like you, I was tired of it, over it & ready to be free.

I ended up seeing a therapist -- I said it was because I had started dating a divorced dad & wanted to learn how to detach from my Ex-H and do things right with his kids & mine. But it was really more about healing from the affair.

It took me about 6 mos. to really let it go. I never called him -- he did try to contact me a few times, but I rejected his overtures even though there were times I really wanted to talk with him.

If you feel low & depressed as you find yourself all over again, I encourage you to consider therapy. It really helped me alot.

I'm a divorced mom of 2 boys, now teenagers. I got so tired of hiding and feeling the shame and frustration of sneaking around with my MM. My relationship now is hard in a good way -- it's real & I'm learning & growing as a person. I love him honestly & openly - no secrets & lies either side.

Good luck -- with or without ANY man, we all deserve and can have so much more from our lives than settling for an affair. You and I were both fortunate that there never was a big blow up & exposure. We can be thankful for that and learn about ourselves and move on to a better and more honest life. good luck!! We're all pulling for you here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: kgmsam
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:03am
Thank you for your replies. I spoke with xMM last night because I have a protector personality and wanted to make sure that things were not left angry between us. We talked and I expressed my feelings on ending the A and I felt a great sense of closure. I was very proud of myself - no tears or anything. I start NC today. I know that this is the best thing - knowing that I won't have to go through that disappointment and hurt anymore. I feel a strange sense of peace - that I am okay with my decision. I thought that I would feel great regret in making the decision and want to change it - but suprisingly I don't feel that way. I think the thing I will miss the most is how good I felt when he would open up to me and we could discuss things that he had never expressed to anyone else. He trusted me to share his inner most feelings. It is time to close the book on this chapter of my life. There is alot going on in the rest of my life to focus on and I hope that time passes quickly.

Thank you,

SAM