Affair with doctor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Affair with doctor
5
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:28pm
I went to a counselor for three years who started an affair with me during the third session. It's sickening to me now, but I was so scared! The state had custody of my son;I was separated from my husband, divorced now. I guess at first I just accomodated my therapist, but after awhile I clung to the security that one day we might be together. He's married with two kids. Sometimes he gives hints that he'll leave her, but most of the time he says he won't. I used to feel guilty, but I think they have a sort of open marriage. I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. I feel like a gross, sick, deformed thing trying to date other guys. My doctor took advantage of my situation, mental state, etc. I need to try to take my part of the responsibility for this so that hopefully I can get out of this situation. I'm having a very hard time with it. I used to think I was a good person, but now I just feel like a hypocrite. Please help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:05pm
golightly2004


gross, sick, deformed and parrisite would be better words to discribe this so called Dr.

What he has done is totally unethical and may very well be woth his lisence to practice, he knows this you need to know it to, you have more power in this situation then you may think you do.

This creature has taken advantage of a patient that he know was vulnerable, this is HIS FAULT not yours.

He will never leave his wife for a patient if he did he would be found out right away and could be saying good by to that license again.

Get a lawyer and see what can be done to right the situation.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 11:15am
There's another route you might want to take, other than legal action to destroy his life, career and marriage. I mean, it's true - what he did is extremely unethical and illegal - so if you want to pursue legal action, you're MORE than right to go that route. But it sounded more like you are wounded emotionally and would like to get over that. First of all, you need more counseling...just not from him. If you're insurance isn't paying for counseling, have you considered sitting down with this man, explaining that your relationshiop as lovers and as counselor/patient is over, and pointing out the additional emotional situation you are in due to his unethical practice, ask for a refund so you can put it where it really belongs. Towards another counselor who can help you and not hurt you further.

Just an idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 2:23pm
This is a very concerning situation. This man's behavior was not only unethical but illegal. The emotional remifications of becoming sexual with a therapist, minister, or any other position where there is inherent trust that certain boundaries will not be crossed, has an entirely different devastation level than two people of equal power who have an affair and breakup. I am terribly sorry this happened to you. You mentioned he started being sexual with you on the third session. When these men are caught it is often the case that they are preditors and have done this to multiple women, multiple times. No one chooses to put their career on the line after meeting someone three times unless they are completely out of control, have done this to other people, and feel immune to the risks. You mentioned that the State had your children, was this a court-ordered therapist? Dependent upon what State you live in, what he did was a crime and there is increasingly less tolerance for that kind of behavior in the judicial system. It sounds like you believe that you had an affair and hold some responsibility for the situation. The truth is that you were separated from your husband, the state had your children, and you went to get therapy. He took advantage of some terrible life situations you were going through and committed the ultimate betrayal. I am in the mental health field and used to work as an individual therapist and I can tell you that every therapist is very aware that a sexual and/or romanitic relationship is strictly forbidden and a tremendous violation to the client. He knows the harm he caused. With that said, how I have found women in these situations get their power back is to eventually fight back. I am yet to hear of one woman who regretted turning these men in. One woman had a 10-year "relationship" with her therapist and only regretted not turning him in sooner. If you choose to, you can go to the D.A.'s office and him. Take with you any e-mails, cards, gifts, and saved phone messages that prove there was a romantic relationship. Depending on the State where you live, charges may or may not be pressed. If not, they can guide you towards what governing bodies can take action against his license. I don't agree about not making a big deal about this in order to save the feelings of his family because what he did to you was to not only take advantage of his position (what were you supposed to do, refuse him and have him send an unfavorable report to the court?) but what he did is considered sexual abuse. No one would advise a woman not to turn a rapist in because it might hurt his family. I hope that you can realize the distinct difference between what he did and how other "affairs" start. Yours was never an affair but a horrible and continued breach of trust. If you are not ready to take action against him (either criminally or civilally), there are books out on how to recover from these types of relationships. I can't recall any of them off the top of my head but if you go to the self help section of nearly any book store, there should be something. I am profoundly sorry for your experience. I hope that you will keep writing here and let us know how you are doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 3:31pm
Thanks all for answering my post. I don't know what I'm going to do about it at the moment. He was sort of a court appointed therapist. My son was in counseling with him and the state asked him to contact me. I pretty much knew I had to do whatever the state suggested to get my son back. I did everything they asked, and more. My diagnosis make it tough for me to have much creditability. Which is really sad because it means he's picking on his most vulnerable patients. He was very careful not to leave behind any evidence.

I appreciate that you put it into its rightful perspective. I've been struggling with guilt for a long time. I don't really hurt that much about it anymore. I'm just trying to forget about it. He does need to be stopped, however. I will have to think it on it more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 6:12pm
I am so sorry that you went through this. My primary job is to work with foster children and their parents who have lost their children to the State. When I did therapy, I worked with children and families who were court-ordered to be there. The breach of trust that you endured is horrific. From someone on the inside, you don't lose credibility for you "diagnosis", the worse it is the worse he looks. I would be interested in knowing who made that diagnosis. If you have any desire to do so, I would love it if you wrote me at rulemaker2003@yahoo.com. If you do not hear from me within 48 hours please write me at this site, only because I have some difficulty getting e-mails on that account. I understand if I do not hear from you. Let me be clear, you do NOT have to do anything about this but if you want a place to vent privately with someone who has tremendous compassion for your unfortunate situation, please write. Take care. My heart goes out to you