Is this Affair Dying a Natural Death
Find a Conversation
Is this Affair Dying a Natural Death
| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 4:38am |
I posted a few weeks back about my 70 yr old mom (widow) being involved with a 74 yr old MM, her fiance from over 50 years ago who has been married for 50 yrs to the woman he dumped my mom for. They've been involved for about 5 months.
This past month since she told my sister and me about it has been horrendous for our family. My Mom has blown off contact with her grandkids, is very angry at my sister and me in that we won't condone her affair. She is also becoming quite the liar (surprised?) and can't seem to remember what she's told us/can't keep her lies straight.
We have kept in contact with her, to tell her we love her and want to see her through this, etc., but that we cannot condone her activity for many reasons. Each time my sister or I talk to her, we end up crying, and feeling horrible because my mom is very cavalier and nonchalant about how she talks to us. She's on a big "it's my life, let me take my lumps, don't try to control me" kick. She says that she is "doing very well, thank you other than the fact that my family is rejecting me, but I'll just deal with that."
We are not trying to control her, I believe we have a right to our reaction. And we have told her we love her but can't watch the train wreck. Unfortunately she still tries to involve us by giving us the play by play of the affair despite us saying we don't want to hear it (of course the play by play is very inconsistent leading to trust issues with her).
The following is what has been happening recently (within last couple of weeks)--- I would really appreciate your insight from your perspectives---
Mom called me up and said she needed to talk to me, that there had been "changes" in her "friendship" (uh, they spent the night together, "friendship"?). That after my sister had been over there one Sat. night, Mom "SOS'd" her boyfriend to come over because she was upset that my sister wasn't "coming around" to her point of view. So he came over and apparently it was a short visit in that my mom said she "laid down the law" and told him that they would not be seeing each other anymore until he "settle matters with his wife and family" (not sure what that means, although he has said from the beginning he would not leave W). For some reason, Mom felt she needed to tell me this right away. I sat with her for several hours while she and I both cried. I told her that 2 things most likely would happen 1) she would never hear from him again or 2) she would break NC within a very short period of time.
Well, I went over to her house the next day to see if she was okay and his car was in the driveway! So I went home. She called me a few days later and I did confront her. She said she "changed her mind" in that she does not want NC. I felt violated because of all the consoling I did. Was she lying about the NC or did she just threaten him with that because the A is not going her way evidently? Thoughts?
Now, my mom claims she is okay with the A, isn't doing anything wrong, yet she also told me that this week she has appts with an attorney and a pastor and that after those appts she wants to talk to us civilly about "where this is at." What the heck is going on ? I think she may be talking to an atty about divorce laws in that I am an atty and told her that MM doesn't have a leg to stand on if he wants a divorce and his W doesn't. I believe she wants to verify what I said, and perhaps that will seal for her that he won't be leaving his W?? Why does she need to go to a pastor if she is so happy and "okay" with what she's doing according to her? I told her what she talks to an atty and a pastor about are none of our business, but of course I am curious (and she keeps involving us so I naturally have questions and confusion)
Anybody have any insight? TIA for your thoughts. I have been trying to comfort my Mom but it's hard when I see the self destructive behavior and deceit, KWIM?
This past month since she told my sister and me about it has been horrendous for our family. My Mom has blown off contact with her grandkids, is very angry at my sister and me in that we won't condone her affair. She is also becoming quite the liar (surprised?) and can't seem to remember what she's told us/can't keep her lies straight.
We have kept in contact with her, to tell her we love her and want to see her through this, etc., but that we cannot condone her activity for many reasons. Each time my sister or I talk to her, we end up crying, and feeling horrible because my mom is very cavalier and nonchalant about how she talks to us. She's on a big "it's my life, let me take my lumps, don't try to control me" kick. She says that she is "doing very well, thank you other than the fact that my family is rejecting me, but I'll just deal with that."
We are not trying to control her, I believe we have a right to our reaction. And we have told her we love her but can't watch the train wreck. Unfortunately she still tries to involve us by giving us the play by play of the affair despite us saying we don't want to hear it (of course the play by play is very inconsistent leading to trust issues with her).
The following is what has been happening recently (within last couple of weeks)--- I would really appreciate your insight from your perspectives---
Mom called me up and said she needed to talk to me, that there had been "changes" in her "friendship" (uh, they spent the night together, "friendship"?). That after my sister had been over there one Sat. night, Mom "SOS'd" her boyfriend to come over because she was upset that my sister wasn't "coming around" to her point of view. So he came over and apparently it was a short visit in that my mom said she "laid down the law" and told him that they would not be seeing each other anymore until he "settle matters with his wife and family" (not sure what that means, although he has said from the beginning he would not leave W). For some reason, Mom felt she needed to tell me this right away. I sat with her for several hours while she and I both cried. I told her that 2 things most likely would happen 1) she would never hear from him again or 2) she would break NC within a very short period of time.
Well, I went over to her house the next day to see if she was okay and his car was in the driveway! So I went home. She called me a few days later and I did confront her. She said she "changed her mind" in that she does not want NC. I felt violated because of all the consoling I did. Was she lying about the NC or did she just threaten him with that because the A is not going her way evidently? Thoughts?
Now, my mom claims she is okay with the A, isn't doing anything wrong, yet she also told me that this week she has appts with an attorney and a pastor and that after those appts she wants to talk to us civilly about "where this is at." What the heck is going on ? I think she may be talking to an atty about divorce laws in that I am an atty and told her that MM doesn't have a leg to stand on if he wants a divorce and his W doesn't. I believe she wants to verify what I said, and perhaps that will seal for her that he won't be leaving his W?? Why does she need to go to a pastor if she is so happy and "okay" with what she's doing according to her? I told her what she talks to an atty and a pastor about are none of our business, but of course I am curious (and she keeps involving us so I naturally have questions and confusion)
Anybody have any insight? TIA for your thoughts. I have been trying to comfort my Mom but it's hard when I see the self destructive behavior and deceit, KWIM?
Thanks for your help.

I am also a widow with grown children, and had an affair at the age of 50. He was someone I had loved for a very long time, and we finally acted upon it. Eventually I confided in 2 of my children and their only concern was knowing that one day I would be very hurt. That day came, and it took me months to get over MM, but I eventually did.
I am writing this to tell you that your Mom is just very lonely. Having someone pay attention to her is what she is getting from this potential heartache. You need to back off and let her figure this out on her own. The more you push, the more she will rebel and the more she will lie to all of you. It appears that she KNOWS how wrong this all is, and seeking the aid of a pastor or an attorney are her ways of trying to figure it all out. I was in total denial that my affair was wrong for 3 years. It was something I wanted and needed and I didn't start pulling away until the pain of being in it outweighed the pain of being alone. That day did finally came, and I walked away.
Just be there for her. Try not to bager or judge, but instead reinforce your love and compassion. She has no idea at the moment how she will eventually feel in the long run. Affairs silently destroy, but she has to come to this conclusion on her own.
God Bless you and yours,
Begin
The Atty could mean that he has said he will divorce his wife (a lie) and the pastor to see if she can marry him in church !!
She is head or a hard fall.
Free
Hello Mom
I think I replied to you before when you first posted here. Anyway your mom is a grown woman and like it or not the more you continue to involve yourself in a negative way she will rebel 10 times more, My mom did the same. Be there, hear her out but keep opinions to yourself. I know it is hard, but you already see the actions she is taken against all of you even grandchildren. See what she has to say to you after her appointments. Whether it be good or bad be there for her. Dont start up a war with her over something that eventually will come to an end. Affairs dont last.
Good Luck
Ladybug
Mom2,
Not sure if this is going to be what you want to hear, but you asked for feedback, so I'm giving you some honest input.
First of all, not sure why you are on this board. Did you have an affair at some point? If so, perhaps you could be more empathetic to your mother. If not, then this really isn't the place for you. This is for people who have been involved in affairs themselves and are trying to either end it themselves or are dealing with their A partner ending it. Not for people who are trying to get someone else to end one. I don't know if there is a board out there for your problem, but probably. Maybe you'd be better off there.
Secondly, your mother is an adult. She's not a teenager. What she is doing may be wrong, but it's up to her to figure it out. It's up to you to love her and be there for her, without judgement. Why are you and your sister so hell bent on "making" her do what YOU both want? Isn't she entitled to make her own decisions, right or wrong? You didn't say that she had Alzheimers or some other physical condition which puts her in some sort of danger. It seems like you both are only "conditionally" supporting her. In other words..you'll support her as long as she's doing what you think she should be doing. My advice is to lay off the judging, the lecturing and the conditional support, and she may come around. Maybe she needed this affair for some reasons unknown to you. Afterall, she still has blood pumping through her veins. We're all weak. Just love her and let her live her own life.
JMHO
Silly