affair getting married in 2 weeks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
affair getting married in 2 weeks!
1
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:58am
Hi, I'm not sure this is the right place to be posting but this is my situation.

I've been married for 4 years, most of that time very unhappyily. I got married for all the wrong reasons and left behind what I believe is a soul mate and best friend. My husband and I never have sex and barely communicate and it's been like this pretty much the whole marriage. All the while since H and I have been married I have maintained contact with my ex mostly by phone and occasionally meeting up for lunch and such.He understand me in a way my husband never will. Unfortunately he's now been dating a woman for a few years and they are getting married in a couple of weeks. Well, what neither her or my H know is that recently our relationship has become sexual. It's been progressing the entire summer and I finally gave into my temptations. Now it's been a few weeks since I've seen or heard from him. When we meet I feel very excited and nervous but I desire and crave every minute of it. When we leave each other I'm often plagued by guilt but a couple of weeks pass and I start thinking about him again and how we can meet. I even dream about him constantly. I'm very confused right now. Five months ago he was telling me he thought about calling off the wedding and there were some major issues but he didn't want to be alone. This to me is not a reason to be getting married and I just can't understand it. He said he's not had passion like with me in a long time and breaking it off with her would probably be a good thing for him. Now the wedding is coming up and I've had no contact with him because I don't want to be the one to call. There's also a big part of me that wants her to find out about it. I know it's terrible but this is a person I've envisioned marrying for years, he's a best friend to me and I don't want him marrying someone else. I'm just so sad and feeling abandoned and used. Any adivce on how to resolve this or just completely forget about him would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm becoming obsessed wtih it all and I can't focus on anything including my family right now. Please Help!
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anonymous user
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 7:42am
Hiya Unhppilymrried,

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You don't mention the nature of your conversations with your ex. Did the conversations ever include plans for a future together?

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Marriage is seldom something people do casually or out of spite. You moved on, got married, you mention a family so presumably you have children (?), too. Would you deny him the same? Or was he supposed to pine for you until he tottered to an early grave?

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Oops.

<<< Now it's been a few weeks since I've seen or heard from him.>>>

Surely you remember that marriage plans do take a big chunk of our time. At any busy time, prioritising becomes necessary and often OW are placed on the backburner whenever real life intrudes upon the fantasy bubble that is an EMA.

<<>>

It sounds as though he has overcome whatever major obstacles he mentioned five months ago and he's gotten over the usual marriage/commitment doubts along with the typical wedding day jitters.

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What matters is that HE believes it is a reason to be getting married and he has no obligation to ensure that you understands his reasons, to be honest.

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Lover's lies are usually just that - lies a lover tells. You were a fairly safe option because you are married with a family therefore unlikely to jeopardise your own situation to jeopardise his. Because of your long history, he knew exactly which buttons to press to obtain exactly what he wanted from you. Well, he hasn't broken it off with her, instead he's enjoyed double portions of cake for as long as it suited him.

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Good, your natural instinct is to maintain No Contact. Trust this instinct.

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Why? Are you truly prepared for the enormity of the backlash? Are you prepared for your husband and children to learn of your EMA? Do you understand that he is extremely unlikely to fall onto your side if you go shaking the fence he's been sitting on? Take a moment to consider what it will be like having destroyed your marriage as well as your children's security. Do you imagine for a moment your ex will thank you for it? That he'll come rushing into your arms as a result of telling his fiance'? Chances are extremely high that he will simply write you off as an obsessed ex, the fiance' will, of course, believe him because she believes he'd never do such a thing and the marriage will go ahead as planned - needless to say you'll still be dealing with the backlash of the EMA within your own marriage & family while they are on their honeymoon and for a long time thereafter. Think long & hard before considering telling the fiance'.

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Best friends do not enable and encourage each other to lying, deceiving, and betraying people who love them. Be very clear about this:- You were neither of you best friends to one another, but you did use one another to meet certain needs for awhile. The fact of the matter is we can only ever control our own actions so he will marry if that is what he decides to do. What you want for him has no impact on his life and simply continues the theme of selfishness that is inherent in every EMA.

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It is sad to lose a relationship, be it an EMA or a real relationship. Abandonment was bound to happen one day either from you abandoning him or as has happened by him abandoning you. It's the nature of EMA's that they seldom have nice or clean cut endings. Like you, I was ok with it all when I was also using my exOM, when it suited ME it was fine! Also remember that you made a series of active choices to have an EMA, you chose to use and be used so thinking that this has been done to you isn't a real option.

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Maintain strict No Contact and seek individual counselling to deal with whatever unresolved issues within you which led to making the choice to enter into an EMA. Marriage counselling to address the problems within your marriage is also a good, healthy, proactive step.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie