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| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:34pm |
April 12, 2003 my exMM told me he'd always had a thing for me. I was so in love with him... I'd admired him for 2 years prior and NEVER thought he'd be interested in someone like me... I always just assumed he was "being nice". Come to find out... he was interested in me too; I was on a high 3 days later when our affair started.
It wasn't exactly a constant thing... we'd go back and forth on whether we could really do it... he'd pull away... I'd pull away... things would happen and cause some disconnect. But we had a few nights away... we had a few really good times together... and he did tell me 2 times (without coaxing) that he loved me.
He was honest from the get go that he was not going to leave his wife. He loved(s) his wife and I knew it. They truly are good together and that always had me confused in and of itself - why would a happily married man stray? He wasn't like most of these guys that have affairs, where they claim to love you and enjoy being with you more than their wife. We never talked about his home life because in his mind, it was personal. To some it might have appeared I was just being used. But I knew their sex life was good and I also knew he and I had a connection that is just hard to explain.
I only lasted (like I said choppy) for 1 year. I'd told a "friend", I use that term loosely since I stopped talking to her the day she said too much and exMM's wife got suspicious.
He'd always talked about "20 years from now" and I think the way he envisioned it was once I was married and busy with my own life it would be easier because we'd be in the same boat and then we could have this affair that would just happen a few times a year... as it was; I'm single and I was in love with him. I NEVER asked him to leave his family because I knew that wouldn't happen and honestly I don't that I could have lived with myself. But... I always wanted to feel extraordinary to him... maybe like I was his ONE and while he would stay with his wife and the life he had... it did pain him to not get to be with me and me alone. I wanted validation that our affair was exceptional to anything he'd ever experienced and what he felt for me was beyond what he'd ever felt. I never got any of that. Whether any of it was true or not... he didn't offer it to me.
It's been over a year now... we've had minimal contact (mainly professional) - I've TRIED to reach his heart numerous times but I guess he's done what he had to do and shut me out. I've NOT been able to understand it - for me the love didn't die just because HE decided he couldn't be involved anymore. And the thing was... he always made it sound like he couldn't be involved "right now" (while he and wife were welcoming their third child into the world :( ). And he did offer me alittle bit awhile back saying he did miss me and just because he can't call or see me doesn't mean he doesn't think about me. I existed on that for a few months.
But... recently it's hit me... I can NOT keep living like this. I ache for him, I miss him and my repeated attempts to reach him only set me back - time and time again. I can't chose between "not giving up" and "looking pathetic" because to say I give up means walking away and not just for now - but for good. I can't walk away today and then if he resurfaces in 3...6...12... months go back to this. But I can't keep living like I am. I cry all the time when I think about him and why he won't just return an email. I hurt when I think about him getting on with life and I'm sitting here missing and waiting for him to come back and care. I can't seem to get it through my head that while I do believe he loved me and cared for me... he's moving on with his life... he's doing what he has to do to be able to fall asleep at night. One time I asked him "do you think things are completely over for us?" he said, "I don't know - but I know I can't go through that internal struggle again." It killed him and lying down to a wife he loves at night is much easier now that he's not racking up guilt with me.
It's not that he doesn't love me and didn't enjoy my company... it's that he doesn't have a choice - he's married, he has a family and he loves being with that life so to be in that life and actually be able to enjoy it and not just exist in it... he HAS to let go of me. It sucks and I want to scream and throw myself on the ground and cry "CHOSE ME!" and I kinda have :p but... I want to get over this! I want to live the best life I can live to! I want to not hurt every day - or miss him every night! I want to stop punishing myself for ever getting involved with him and subjecting myself to this pain, this rejection, this complete lack of self respect.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do it... this last year has been a killer; it makes it hard to envision being out of this hell. But it has to be possible. I read posts like "hollydaze2003" and pray I get there like she has. Sooner rather than later.
I still love him... I miss him so incredibly at times I think I'd rather die than live with this ache... and to hear him admit to the same pain and hurt would actually bring me some relief. But I know he won't - even though I believe somewhere deep inside of him he feels it (to some lesser degree) but he's mastered pushing it to that deep corner of his heart and brain that is reserved for me so he can carry on with his "good" life and not be a sad, pathetic life form like I've become. Someway, somehow I have to master this as well... and today I make an oath to myself to start doing so. Moving forward, letting go doesn't mean I stop caring about him... letting go means I start caring about me!
Affairs aren't what their cracked up to be... I've met alot of us in my journey and I'd say very very few don't end up in this place - a very scary place (in my opinion). I wish my face - my story - my pain could be used to stop affairs. It sure was alluring on April 12, 2003 but even with the few good memories, I'd still go back to that day and change my fate - this pain ain't worth it!

Poster
Your right affairs are not what there cracked up to be, there more like a train wreck.
Now your not going to like what comes next BUT: Yes dear he is the same as the other CHEATING MARRIED MEN. Actions speak loader then words and his actions are standard CMM actions nothing differnet about them or him.
He clearly could see your infatuation and played on it, this boy seems pretty smooth, you get smooth with practice.
: your still in the affair fantasy neck deep and it is a nice romantic one were you were not played and he is a nice guy, but the facts as you present them do not seem to support this romantic view of things or him.
YOU need to end this in your own mind on your own terms to begin to heal, until YOU decide its over your going to remain stuck were you are.
Don't let me scare you off you will get much more sympathetic sounding support from some of the very eloquent ladies and gents that post here. In the mean time READ lots of posts offer your support to theres you will get more out of the board if you put something in.
JMHO
Free
I read Free's reply, and I agree with her assessment of how you are still caught up in the Fantasy. I feel for you, believe me I do. Once you get a glimpse of this guy w/out your Rose Colored glasses it will be easier to heal and move on.
One thing that came to mind as I read your post: Perhaps he did love you, but he didn't "respect" you--or his W. If he loves his W so much, and is having such a healthy sex life with her...how in the world could he betray her trust by participating in an EMA? And if he is capable of such low behavior with someone he's made a spiritual and legal commitment to, it shouldn't be much of a problem for him to drop his side partner without much guilt.
I do understand your pain. The best thing you can do is just push on with your own life. You sound relatively young. Regardless of your age, you have a future ahead of you and can make happen whatever you want. Fake it till you make it, and above all--don't give MM the time of day. Even if he does approach you and is apologetic, etc. Don't let him drag you down like that. It does sound like he was taking advantage of you. I can give him credit for being "honest" about how he has no intentions of leaving the marriage and how he is happy. If that's the case with him, he needs to get a call girl on the side. Someone he can hook up with every once in a while and do whatever as he pleases. At least with a Call girl there's very little possibility of anyone (other than the W maybe) getting hurt. Don't accept his stolen moments and crumbs of attention any longer. You deserve more. Someone who respects you and truly cares about your well being and feelings. At one point we all (on this board) got clouded by the illusion the MM represented. Once you see the EMA for what it really is...it *may* help you heal and move on.
Good luck!
newposter,
thanks u for sharing your story, i have exactly the same as u, but the other way around since im single(male) and having an affair with OW
like u sit,wait and wish , but not anymore, i am trying to move on, the scars are still there, im still miss OW but we need to move on with our life
i hope u find love within yourself and find someone who is single and sees u for who u are, dont worry, life is full of surprises, never lose hope
welcome to the board,
max
Free - some times you are so eager to point out how HORRIBLE the affair was that you miss the point. I said in my post "Someway, somehow I have to master this as well... and today I make an oath to myself to start doing so." so obviously I WANT to move past it and if realizing he is a typical CMM and I'm still neck deep in fantasyland is what I need so be it... but I didn't post that looking for eloquent replies - I posted it because I'm ready to figure out what I need to do and see and be to move past him. While some of your post rings true and opened my eyes to a couple things... it could have been packaged alot nicer and with more compassion. NOT sympathy strokes or in the form of "support" per se... but just without trying to make me feel like a dumbass. I already feel pathetic enough as it is.
Fallingtopieces - your post was VERY helpful... I found some insight in it and it helped rub a bit of the rose color off my glasses and THAT is what I'm looking for! The whole second paragraph was very true and yet the question you posed baffles me... I don't know how he was able to participate in the affair because I DO believe he loves his wife and they are pretty dang close to what "soulmate" appears to be to me. But if he was capable of cheating on her than, yeah, walking away from me couldn't be too hard for him. But of course that hurts... but less today than yesterday so that just encourages me! :)
I DO want to see my EMA for what it really WAS - but I don't want someone posting mean, negative and nasty things that might not be true of my EMA... only someone who really cares about ME and not disrespecting the fact that I *thought* I was only getting involved because we had a connection. To devalue that makes me feel even worse about MYSELF and I don't need that!
Max - thank you for your reply... it does help to know others are in this boat and are learning how to start sailing again! It's unbelievable the impact this whole "affair" has had on my life - UNBELIEVABLE!
Oh and while my handle SAYS I'm a new poster... I've been around for awhile... pretty much since the A started in 2003... just haven't been around in awhile - trying to deal with it on my own... stupid! LOL
Thanks again to you all... and to anyone who feels compelled to post after this! :)