NC - I've been wondering about Piku too - I think about her a lot. I hope she's doing OK. I like your timeline - it seems to jive with what I have felt. I've been NC since June 27, so only a little longer than you - right now, I am feeling a little acceptance.
Something new in the past few days too - the sense of "moving on". Not waiting anymore. I have to admit, that even without XAP in my life, I've still been at the stage where I think/hope/expect him to make "the call" and tell me he's left her. I know I don't want him. I know that he's not right for me. It's just the 7.5 years he was in my life still choke-holding me. He's not stalking me with his drive-bys anymore - thank goodness. I'm nervous about Thursday - it's the golf outing that was postponed due to rain several weeks ago. We've both always played in it. I switched my foursome to the morning tee time because I'm pretty sure he'll play in the afternoon. But there's a good possibility that we'll cross paths when I'm done playing and he begins. I'll be wearing my baseball cap and dark sunglasses, and running in the opposite direction.
At almost 10 months out, I seem to be stuck in a melancholy phase. I am so gosh darn lonely! I don't really have an intimate relationship with H and I feel sort of stuck in a R that is on what seems to be an infinite holding pattern. I couldn't leave the M right now even if I wanted to, which I don't, and I certainly don't have the option of looking for R anywhere else. Weighing the pros and cons of a fakey 'bond' and shared intimacies with X, the cons are heavy like lead - but, to be 100% honest, I still struggle to keep my perspective. I may have come out of the fog, but that doesn't mean that RL is all sunshine and rainbows for sure. If it were not for EAS and what I've learned here, I'm certain I'd be in a much worse place - probably hell (and by hell, I mean another A.)
I'm so thankful that even with all the challenges and struggles of RL, I'm not contending with an A and I'm not the same person I was while I was in it. Thank God for that.
NC - H is not my best friend, but only because we spend no time together. Rs take time and nurturing. H is working his A$$ off trying to keep our family afloat and building his career in a very difficult and competitive industry. For a long time, his response to my whining about wanting more of him, was that our R is on the backburner until things "settle down", and _then_ we'd reconnect. I never wanted to leave him, or disrupt the lives of our 3 children, and so I very calculatingly began an A to get my needs met elsewhere. I was in an EA for months, both of us struggling with the idea of a full-blown PA, before it went physical. We joked that I had even nailed a Lutheresque theses on the door when I sent him a list of conditions and prerequisites for proceeding with a PA. Laughable now that my number 1 requirement is that the A would not take time or focus away from my family. barf. so fogged up.
There are plenty of 'good bits' for us. H is a wonderful, wonderful man and I struggle with even the idea that I'd leave him for what seems to be such selfish reasons. Yet, I know that what I'm seeking is very human and I have a right to have those needs met -- in my M, and not elsewhere, ever, for any reason.
You're 100% right about the frying pan and the fire. I know that now and I wish like hell I'd known it before. Having an A is never a cure for the ills of the marriage, and all those people who say that getting your needs met elsewhere can actually save your M are full of cr@p.
I can live with melancholy for now. What I cannot not live with and will never risk again is the loss of my integrity and self-respect. Life, lonely, is peanuts compared to the self-inflicted isolation I created in my A. I've never felt more alone in my entire life.
Noticed some new people and thought this was worth bumping up. The timeline is personal (I agree), but it represents the range of emotions enders have.
As for me....Week 5 and I am ALIVE. The fog is lifting more and more each week.
Glad someone brought up the anger, rage, resentment stage because 100 days + of NC and when I first saw xMM last week, that is what I felt. I was in an anger stage for a long time and last week it returned and reared its ugly head. Isn't that a bit much after all this time?
I thought I was truly healing and maybe because it was he was out of sight, out of mind and I worked so hard at getting him out of my head. Then all the ANGER flooded back when I saw him. Sheesh. It CONSUMED me for four days. Then had a conversation with him and it wasn't so much anger anymore. Prior to the conversation I told myself this has to, has to stop. It was taking WAY too much ENERGY out of me to keep hating him, so I said my two minute speech and walked away. Now, that anger has subsided a great deal and maybe I can get back to me and my life and on the road again to healing.....
Hi NC- This a good post. I've often thought about trying to read back through my posts and blog and put together a rough timeline of my recovery, especially during those lows when I feel I"ve made no progress at all. It would be nice to remind myself that there were times when I felt empowered, happy and free. I think that we all go through different stages at different times, but I feel it is important to have an understanding of your own journey on which to reflects as the months pass you by. In the early stages, every minute is momentous and you remember the lessons and the pain... but as time goes by and life returns to "normal," whole chuncks of time zoom by and you need to remind yourself to remain aware of your healing so as not to fall back into old patterns. Anyhoo, I digress. I am going to try to set aside some time to outline my 7 month timeline to post here.
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NC - I've been wondering about Piku too - I think about her a lot. I hope she's doing OK. I like your timeline - it seems to jive with what I have felt. I've been NC since June 27, so only a little longer than you - right now, I am feeling a little acceptance.
Something new in the past few days too - the sense of "moving on". Not waiting anymore. I have to admit, that even without XAP in my life, I've still been at the stage where I think/hope/expect him to make "the call" and tell me he's left her. I know I don't want him. I know that he's not right for me. It's just the 7.5 years he was in my life still choke-holding me. He's not stalking me with his drive-bys anymore - thank goodness. I'm nervous about Thursday - it's the golf outing that was postponed due to rain several weeks ago. We've both always played in it. I switched my foursome to the morning tee time because I'm pretty sure he'll play in the afternoon. But there's a good possibility that we'll cross paths when I'm done playing and he begins. I'll be wearing my baseball cap and dark sunglasses, and running in the opposite direction.
Bodhi
Glad the list resonated......so 2 weeks ahead
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Hi Alice
YES, I agree anger or rage should probably
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
At almost 10 months out, I seem to be stuck in a melancholy phase. I am so gosh darn lonely! I don't really have an intimate relationship with H and I feel sort of stuck in a R that is on what seems to be an infinite holding pattern. I couldn't leave the M right now even if I wanted to, which I don't, and I certainly don't have the option of looking for R anywhere else. Weighing the pros and cons of a fakey 'bond' and shared intimacies with X, the cons are heavy like lead - but, to be 100% honest, I still struggle to keep my perspective. I may have come out of the fog, but that doesn't mean that RL is all sunshine and rainbows for sure. If it were not for EAS and what I've learned here, I'm certain I'd be in a much worse place - probably hell (and by hell, I mean another A.)
I'm so thankful that even with all the challenges and struggles of RL, I'm not contending with an A and I'm not the same person I was while I was in it. Thank God for that.
Keep on keeping on!
Dee
Life is much simpler without the layers of lies, deceipt and strategizing that happen in an A. ....Maybe the challenge was part of the 'fun'
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
NC -
H is not my best friend, but only because we spend no time together. Rs take time and nurturing. H is working his A$$ off trying to keep our family afloat and building his career in a very difficult and competitive industry. For a long time, his response to my whining about wanting more of him, was that our R is on the backburner until things "settle down", and _then_ we'd reconnect. I never wanted to leave him, or disrupt the lives of our 3 children, and so I very calculatingly began an A to get my needs met elsewhere. I was in an EA for months, both of us struggling with the idea of a full-blown PA, before it went physical. We joked that I had even nailed a Lutheresque theses on the door when I sent him a list of conditions and prerequisites for proceeding with a PA. Laughable now that my number 1 requirement is that the A would not take time or focus away from my family. barf. so fogged up.
There are plenty of 'good bits' for us. H is a wonderful, wonderful man and I struggle with even the idea that I'd leave him for what seems to be such selfish reasons. Yet, I know that what I'm seeking is very human and I have a right to have those needs met -- in my M, and not elsewhere, ever, for any reason.
You're 100% right about the frying pan and the fire. I know that now and I wish like hell I'd known it before. Having an A is never a cure for the ills of the marriage, and all those people who say that getting your needs met elsewhere can actually save your M are full of cr@p.
I can live with melancholy for now. What I cannot not live with and will never risk again is the loss of my integrity and self-respect. Life, lonely, is peanuts compared to the self-inflicted isolation I created in my A. I've never felt more alone in my entire life.
thanks for the loving support,
Dee
Noticed some new people and thought this was worth bumping up. The timeline is personal (I agree), but it represents the range of emotions enders have.
As for me....Week 5 and I am ALIVE. The fog is lifting more and more each week.
Hey Alice,
Glad someone brought up the anger, rage, resentment stage because 100 days + of NC and when I first saw xMM last week, that is what I felt. I was in an anger stage for a long time and last week it returned and reared its ugly head. Isn't that a bit much after all this time?
I thought I was truly healing and maybe because it was he was out of sight, out of mind and I worked so hard at getting him out of my head. Then all the ANGER flooded back when I saw him. Sheesh. It CONSUMED me for four days. Then had a conversation with him and it wasn't so much anger anymore. Prior to the conversation I told myself this has to, has to stop. It was taking WAY too much ENERGY out of me to keep hating him, so I said my two minute speech and walked away. Now, that anger has subsided a great deal and maybe I can get back to me and my life and on the road again to healing.....
MovingON
MovingON
Hi NC- This a good post. I've often thought about trying to read back through my posts and blog and put together a rough timeline of my recovery, especially during those lows when I feel I"ve made no progress at all. It would be nice to remind myself that there were times when I felt empowered, happy and free. I think that we all go through different stages at different times, but I feel it is important to have an understanding of your own journey on which to reflects as the months pass you by. In the early stages, every minute is momentous and you remember the lessons and the pain... but as time goes by and life returns to "normal," whole chuncks of time zoom by and you need to remind yourself to remain aware of your healing so as not to fall back into old patterns. Anyhoo, I digress. I am going to try to set aside some time to outline my 7 month timeline to post here.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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