Affairs are Addictive-I know

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Affairs are Addictive-I know
15
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:04pm
Hi Everyone-

I am a "survivor" of an affair and I am here to tell you it's the most destructive and addictive thing I have ever been involved in. It almost ruined my life. I have been affair-free for over 2 years and couldn't be happier that it's over. I think back on it and it makes me sick although at the time I didn't think that way.

Here's the story:

I was/am a single woman who was looking for a relationship with a nice guy. I was dating people from online sites, etc. and hating it. I was rather lonely and longing for a man. There was a married guy at work who sat next to me that I was friendly with. He had a good sense of humor and was fun to joke around with. He was very into his family and 2 young daughters. Over time we became closer, I told him all about my dating and what a nightmare it was. He listened and tried to cheer me up. We were good pals. I was not attracted to him, as he was very married-I never looked at him as someone who was even remotely available. I felt like I could flirt with him innocently and say whatever I wanted because he was "safe"-married. Over time our behavior got very flirty and increasingly innappropriate. This took months to happen. During this process, I NEVER thought to myself "I want this man" in a sexual way. I simply enjoyed the "special" attention he gave me. I later learned this is called intrigue.

I left his department and got another job in the same company but a different group. When I left him is when I guess we both realized there was something missing. The intrigue/special atention we gave each other was very addictive and we found that neither one of us wanted to stop this. He started calling me at my house when he was travelling form work and saying very desperate things about caring about me more than I would know. I am ashamed to admit this, but I loved the drama and intensity. He told me he loved me over the phone. I thought-this is crazy, but I was having fun, so I thought what the hell, I don't have anything else going on. Very weak and dumb decision on my part.

What happened from here is we got into an extrememly involved affair that took over our lives for about a year. I spoke to him over the phone *during work* for hours a day. It's a wonder I was able to do any work. (I later LOST my job because my performance dropped-don't let this happen to you) We met for sexual liaisons, he told me he loved me all the time. I would help scheme with him to figure out how to dupe the wife so she wouldn't find out. SO SHAMEFUL! We had a nickname for her too. She noticed his behavior was changing-telltale signs-he started caring about his looks, his schedule changed, he was working out and getting bigger, and she asked him what was going on. He told me about it. He made her feel like a total fool for asking. He turned the entire thing around so that she looked like an idiot. (How could I "love" someone who would treat his wife this way???)

Anyway, we went through very high highs and very low lows. THe best sex I have ever had in my life. I felt that he understood me better than anyone on earth. All this and he wouldn't leave his wife. He was afraid about losing his kids. He also wasn't sure if he loved his wife or not. I would think about this situation I was in and go in circles-he loves me, I love him, despite this he won't leave his wife, I am alone, I can't stop, he can't stop. He has his cake and is eating it too. He gets to have me when it's convenient and then go home to his comfy home with his wife and kids who love him too. INSANE!!!

I went to therapy. I went to SLAA, sex and love addicts anon., a 12 step program which saved my life. This is what I learned:

-I was/am a love addict. I was addicted to this man and the intrigue and sex.

-I felt horrible away from him and when I returned to him my symptoms went away. (proof of addiction)

-If he had left his wife I believe the entire dynamic of our relationship would have changed. If he were available it all would be different. The excitement of the affair, the danger, the lack of real committment and intamacy made it more fun and intense.

-It took a long time, but I was able to stop seeing him, having sex with him despite him pursuing me. I NEVER thought I'd be able to do this.

-I realized there was no "good ending" possible with him, the best ending was to stop it.

I never thought I'd ever stop loving him or thinking he was the greatest guy on earth.

When I think about all the crazy/shameless things we did-the hours we spent intriguing, the phone sex, the desperation, etc. it makes me sick. I am SO glad it's over. I haven't seen him in 2 years and I am glad.

Lastly it's my opinion that I was so lonely, desperate and lacking self worth and self esteem that I was able to shame/lower myself to get involved with someone who was married to someone else. I thank GOD for helping me to find SLAA, as it more powerful and helpful than anything else to break the addiction. If you are in an affair-get out before it kills you. Look into SLAA.

Thanks for reading.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:42pm
Thank you for your message. It's just what I needed to read right now. I just ended a 2+yr affair because I just couldn't stand it any more, the sneaking around, cheating, lying and everything that comes along with it. I'm feeling a sense of loss for him (maybe just the attention I got), and heartbreak and anger at myself for allowing this to happen. I know in time these feelings will pass. Your advice is very welcomed.

Thank you again and good for you, for letting go of your affair and staying strong for 2 years now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:58pm
Thanks so much for sharing this. In my case, I wanted to "come clean" and tell everyone and just be honest. I thought he would want the same thing. I got sick of the sneaking, plotting and planning, sex in cars, sneaking late night phone conversations much quicker than he did. I guess that was a big red flag. He had a whole other life after he left me. It finally dawned on me that he could have gone on that way for many years. I thought 5 years was a lot. He probably could have gone another 5.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 10:34pm
Isn't is sick? I mean the amount of sneaking and deception involved.

You can't tell anyone because no one will understand let alone have sympathy for your plight. Society and your friends and family don't *undertand* your special relationship. UGH!!! Gross. Affairs are SO bad for all parties involved.

More confessions: his wife was a bit overweight and not all that attractive and I would feed on this. He thought I was a goddess compared to her. How sad. He would complain to me that she would track his spending and we would laugh at her and call her names. Her nickname was the Treasurer. It made me feel so powerful to have this family man willing to take such a big risk to be with little old me! What a farse! I never looked at his bad-mouthing his wife as a sign of his bad character. What he really was was a coward, someone who refused to get help in his marriage.

He complained about their sex life-they never did it apparently and when they did she was less then thrilled by it. (Who could blame her-he's a weasle) So I became a sex goddess also. I made sure that I thrilled him. This gave me a feeling of superiority. We took risks that were insane regarding sex. All the risks made everything even more exciting than anything I had ever experienced. The irony is that it would not exist if he weren't married. I didn't believe this at the time and I wanted him to divorce the wife and be with me.

After further reflection I thought-hold on-in "real life" I wouldn't be attracted to this guy. He's short. He's balding. He's not that great looking. He's got 2 kids with another woman. What the hell is appealing about any of that???? I know that that the ONLY reason he was attractive to me was that it could never be. Upon further reflection I realized that going out with a man who is not available may mean that I have committment issues.

It feels great to talk about this!!!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 10:55pm
My experience was very much the same. My M was very unhappy. My husband was emotionally unavailable and I could not get him to talk to me about anything. I spent several years trying to figure out how he could have been so different before we married and then change so much after we married. I realize now that I was a sitting duck for an A. I was told all of those same things - your so sexy, what is wrong with your husband - your the love of my life, etc. I took him seriously. He also told me very intimate details about his W. He should never have done that. That was terrible behavior for any partner in any relationship. I heard the same things about the weight issues with his W. He told me that he hated her feet, she wore underwear like his mother, etc. etc. You know the talk. I have told my story so many times, I won't go into all of it again. However, he played the card with me that he knew would get me most. He knew I wanted a child. He talked about our future children all of the time. I got pregnant (accident) and had a miscarriage at 3 months. That added an additional element of pain to an already horrible situation. By that time, I had gotten a divorce and I thought that he was going to do the same. It ended 6 months ago with him doing a 360 on me. He decided that I may tell his W (never would). Suddently things were good with them and had been getting better for the last year. He wanted to know how I would feel if his little daughter wanted to know why I destroyed his family when she got older. He told me that he had everything that I wanted (so please don't ruin it for me, he said). Then he dropped the biggest bomb of all on me. He told me that they are going to try to get pregnant again. That is how my 5 year A ended.

I still do it sometimes, but I used to always want to be his W. Now I realize, as you said, what an awful thought that is. Why would I want to be with someone who knows nothing of his 5 year relationship with another woman? Why would I want to be a woman that does not know why he suddenly decided to say yes to having another child? Why would I want to be a woman who is with a man who shared every single intimate sexual detail about her with another woman? Why would I want to be a woman who is with a man that is capable of doing what he did to me?

These are the thoughts that are keeping me going right now. I still have to work with him. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would stay at our place of work and have a child right in front of me. Why does that surprise me though? Honestly, why am I surprised by anything that this man does?

You have come so far. I hope that I can be where you are in two years. I dream about feeling peace again. It has been so long since I felt it.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:03pm
Xmm would tell me things like he and his W didn't sleep together and he was staying for the kids, W just couldn't stand the sight of him. He even told me about other short term relationships with other women (I asked him tho), and how they just didn't work out for whatever reason and I fell into all this crap like a fool, thinking maybe I was the "special one" in his life and that maybe I could be the one to make a difference and make something work for us out of all this. For the longest, I didn't have any physical relationship with him. As time went on and I tried many times to break it off, he would keep on and on trying to get me to stay, saying he just can't let go, etc. Well we all know those famous lines. I finally had enough. I realized that I fell into the worst trap ever and falling for the oldest lines in the book.

What really suprised me the most tho, was thinking back, before all this started I was a very confident middle aged woman, with only everyday run of the mill issues in my life, like having enough milk & bread at home. And I look at me now and think gosh I really slipped backwards. Well it's time to get moving forward again. Regain that confindent aire about me and move on. I know I won't be one bit sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:15pm
I am sooo sorry for your pain. I actually cried a little after reading this. The pregnancy and miscarriage is awful. I am so sorry. 5 years. Wow.

BUT...like I said-I have seen horrible situations turn around. I have seen tremendous healing. The most desperate and suicidal people changed. The only way I could have stopped the affair is by trying the SLAA group. I was really scared to do it, but there were tons of other people there in different situations similar to mine. It was incredibly helpful. It helped me get over my obsession with him quickly. It helped to have people that understood what I had been through and in some cases-even more desperate and complicated situations.

The spirituality aspect of the program was great. I can't recommend it enough.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:40pm
I know how you feel, thinking back to that confident self. You are right; it is time to get that back. People have told me that these men are not worth even half of the energy that we give them. I am just starting to understand that. I have also heard that we give them way too much power. I am starting to understand that too.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:50pm
Thank you. It really helps so much to hear from those that have made it to "the other side". I am currently going to a woman's therapy group every week for 4 hours. I have also just started CODA (Co-dependents). If I do not feel that fits then I will try SLAA. It may be at I just need to embrace a 12 step program to really heal from this. I have spent so much time with my head spinning like a top, trying to figure all of this out. I know that the first thing that I need to do is surrender and stop trying to understand. This board has helped me to start my healing. These people are wonderful. The first thing that I learned is that I am/was not the love of his life. I am not the "magic" that is going to make him happy. I am not the end all for him that he lead me to believe. I lost myself in all of that.

I am trying to find my way back.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 12:54pm
Sparklepuss22, I have read a couple of your posts and you seem so much like my SG to me. You say some of the exact same thing he has said to me. Since I am having a hard time getting direct answers out of him, perhaps I could use you a little for this. You seem so strong and put together to me. My SG was on a break from his gf when he met me. I would have seemed very happily married to him. He flirted with me and I wasn't interested at all. After a few months I started looking forward to it. One day we talked for over an hour, he asked me how long I had been married (20 years) and if I was faithful (yes). He gave me his card and suggested we have cyber sex. We e-mailed for several months, then made out. He backed off immediately after. Then I started pursuing him, but he never flirted again. We had ic a few months later and he has not contacted me once since in 2 months. I have talked to him and he says some of the same things you say.. it can't happen again, it is morally wrong, it is so deceitful and shady, it is good for no one, I am married and want that and him too, he gets too attached when he has sex and since I am married he will only get hurt. He keeps promising that we will get together for lunch and talk it over some more, but it hasn't happened. He ignores my e-mails now and is never on im. He answers his cell when I call, but our last talk when I asked if I should call him he said I will e-mail you. I really doubt he will. Do you think he is in the same place you are with this? He has addictions in his life and it has caused him to lose jobs. He lies alot to everyone. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me. Is this nc he has going hard for him. It doesn't seem like it is because he is so good at it. What does he want from me? What does he want to hear? Does he even want to just be friends? I'm sorry to put you on a spot if you don't care to answer these questions. I'm trying to see things from his perspective and hoping you can help. I posted my entire story under "when the bad outweighs the good..." Thanks for any help you can give. You are indeed an inspiration. Your strength and self-esteem shine through. Continue on your happy path, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 2:53pm
Hi C-

Here are my comments:


Sparklepuss22, I have read a couple of your posts and you seem so much like my SG to me.

IS SG SINGLE GUY?

You say some of the exact same thing he has said to me. Since I am having a hard time getting direct answers out of him, perhaps I could use you a little for this.

HE IS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING IT SOUNDS LIKE-THERE REALLY CAN BE NO GOOD ENDING TO THIS. THIS STUFF IS HARD TO STOP WITHOUT THE HELP OF A HIGHER POWER. ME AND MY EX WENT BACK AND FORTH MANY TIMES BEFORE I ENDED IT. THE SOONER YOU LET HIM GO THE SOONER YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM BEING ENSLAVED TO THIS ROMANTIC INTRIGUE/SEXUAL ACTIVIITIES.


You seem so strong and put together to me.

THANKS, IT TOOK A FEW YEARS TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER. LOTS OF WORK.

My SG was on a break from his gf when he met me. I would have seemed very happily married to him. He flirted with me and I wasn't interested at all. After a few months I started looking forward to it. One day we talked for over an hour, he asked me how long I had been married (20 years) and if I was faithful (yes). He gave me his card and suggested we have cyber sex.

I DID THIS KIND OF THING TOO. WHEN I LOOK BACK ON IT I AM ASHAMED AND HORRIFIED. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT CYBER SEX IS, BUT IT'S AMAZING WHAT THINGS A PERSON WILL DO WHEN THEY ARE INVOLVED IN AFFAIRS.

We e-mailed for several months, then made out. He backed off immediately after. Then I started pursuing him, but he never flirted again. We had ic a few months later and he has not contacted me once since in 2 months. I have talked to him and he says some of the same things you say.. it can't happen again, it is morally wrong, it is so deceitful and shady, it is good for no one, I am married and want that and him too, he gets too attached when he has sex and since I am married he will only get hurt.

IT HURTS, IT REALLY DOES.

WHAT HE SAYS IS ALL TRUE. YOU CAN KEEP THIS UP FOREVER, BUT YOU WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE EXCEPT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM WILL CONTINUE TO ERRODE. WHY NOT LOOK INTO WHY YOU ARE CHEATING IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHAT WENT WRONG WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND? WHY DO YOU WANT TO RUIN WHAT YOU HAVE WITH HIM?

He keeps promising that we will get together for lunch and talk it over some more, but it hasn't happened.

WHY WOULD THIS HELP? WHAT MORE CAN HE SAY? IT'S A VERY TOXIC SITUATION THAT CAN'T BE MADE BETTER BY TALKING ABOUT IT. YOU WILL ONLY GET MORE ADDICTED IF YOU CONTINUE THIS, IT WON'T GET BETTER. YOU WILL GO IN CIRCLES.

He ignores my e-mails now and is never on im. He answers his cell when I call, but our last talk when I asked if I should call him he said I will e-mail you. I really doubt he will. Do you think he is in the same place you are with this?

WHY ARE YOU CHASING HIM? WHAT GOOD WILL COME OUT OF IT? YOU SEEM OBSESSED. THIS IS CALLED ACTING OUT-IT'S UNHEALTHY. IT SEEMS THAT HE KNOWS THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL LEAD NOWHERE AND WANTS TO STOP. WHY ARE YOU PURSUING HIM?

He has addictions in his life and it has caused him to lose jobs. He lies alot to everyone.

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE QUALITIES THAT ARE ALL THAT ATTRACTIVE TO ME! BUT IN YOUR CASE IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED AND UNAVAILABLE ANYWAY. IF YOU WERE BOTH SINGLE WOULD YOU BE ATTRACTED TO A MAN WITH THESE ISSUES? I THINK NOT!

I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me. Is this nc he has going hard for him.

WHAT IS AN NC? NO CONTACT?

It doesn't seem like it is because he is so good at it. What does he want from me? What does he want to hear? Does he even want to just be friends?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU'VE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH.

I'm sorry to put you on a spot if you don't care to answer these questions. I'm trying to see things from his perspective and hoping you can help. I posted my entire story under "when the bad outweighs the good..." Thanks for any help you can give. You are indeed an inspiration. Your strength and self-esteem shine through. Continue on your happy path, C

THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO RECOVER FROM AN AFFAIR IS TO GET OVER THE OBSESSION AND ADDICTION. YOU MUST STOP ACTING OUT-THIS INCLUDES CALLING HIM, DRIVING BY, EMAILING, ANY FORM OF CONTACT. IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE STOPPING, PLEASE SEEK OUT AN SLAA MEETING. THE PEOPLE IN THESE GROUPS HAVE GONE THROUGH THE SAME THING AND CAN HELP YOU. THERE ARE PLENTY OF BOOK ON THIS TOPIC AS WELL. IF YOU LOOK AROUND YOU CAN FIND PLENTY OF RESOURCES TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE.

I HOPE THIS HELPS.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pages