Affairs are Addictive-I know
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| Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:04pm |
I am a "survivor" of an affair and I am here to tell you it's the most destructive and addictive thing I have ever been involved in. It almost ruined my life. I have been affair-free for over 2 years and couldn't be happier that it's over. I think back on it and it makes me sick although at the time I didn't think that way.
Here's the story:
I was/am a single woman who was looking for a relationship with a nice guy. I was dating people from online sites, etc. and hating it. I was rather lonely and longing for a man. There was a married guy at work who sat next to me that I was friendly with. He had a good sense of humor and was fun to joke around with. He was very into his family and 2 young daughters. Over time we became closer, I told him all about my dating and what a nightmare it was. He listened and tried to cheer me up. We were good pals. I was not attracted to him, as he was very married-I never looked at him as someone who was even remotely available. I felt like I could flirt with him innocently and say whatever I wanted because he was "safe"-married. Over time our behavior got very flirty and increasingly innappropriate. This took months to happen. During this process, I NEVER thought to myself "I want this man" in a sexual way. I simply enjoyed the "special" attention he gave me. I later learned this is called intrigue.
I left his department and got another job in the same company but a different group. When I left him is when I guess we both realized there was something missing. The intrigue/special atention we gave each other was very addictive and we found that neither one of us wanted to stop this. He started calling me at my house when he was travelling form work and saying very desperate things about caring about me more than I would know. I am ashamed to admit this, but I loved the drama and intensity. He told me he loved me over the phone. I thought-this is crazy, but I was having fun, so I thought what the hell, I don't have anything else going on. Very weak and dumb decision on my part.
What happened from here is we got into an extrememly involved affair that took over our lives for about a year. I spoke to him over the phone *during work* for hours a day. It's a wonder I was able to do any work. (I later LOST my job because my performance dropped-don't let this happen to you) We met for sexual liaisons, he told me he loved me all the time. I would help scheme with him to figure out how to dupe the wife so she wouldn't find out. SO SHAMEFUL! We had a nickname for her too. She noticed his behavior was changing-telltale signs-he started caring about his looks, his schedule changed, he was working out and getting bigger, and she asked him what was going on. He told me about it. He made her feel like a total fool for asking. He turned the entire thing around so that she looked like an idiot. (How could I "love" someone who would treat his wife this way???)
Anyway, we went through very high highs and very low lows. THe best sex I have ever had in my life. I felt that he understood me better than anyone on earth. All this and he wouldn't leave his wife. He was afraid about losing his kids. He also wasn't sure if he loved his wife or not. I would think about this situation I was in and go in circles-he loves me, I love him, despite this he won't leave his wife, I am alone, I can't stop, he can't stop. He has his cake and is eating it too. He gets to have me when it's convenient and then go home to his comfy home with his wife and kids who love him too. INSANE!!!
I went to therapy. I went to SLAA, sex and love addicts anon., a 12 step program which saved my life. This is what I learned:
-I was/am a love addict. I was addicted to this man and the intrigue and sex.
-I felt horrible away from him and when I returned to him my symptoms went away. (proof of addiction)
-If he had left his wife I believe the entire dynamic of our relationship would have changed. If he were available it all would be different. The excitement of the affair, the danger, the lack of real committment and intamacy made it more fun and intense.
-It took a long time, but I was able to stop seeing him, having sex with him despite him pursuing me. I NEVER thought I'd be able to do this.
-I realized there was no "good ending" possible with him, the best ending was to stop it.
I never thought I'd ever stop loving him or thinking he was the greatest guy on earth.
When I think about all the crazy/shameless things we did-the hours we spent intriguing, the phone sex, the desperation, etc. it makes me sick. I am SO glad it's over. I haven't seen him in 2 years and I am glad.
Lastly it's my opinion that I was so lonely, desperate and lacking self worth and self esteem that I was able to shame/lower myself to get involved with someone who was married to someone else. I thank GOD for helping me to find SLAA, as it more powerful and helpful than anything else to break the addiction. If you are in an affair-get out before it kills you. Look into SLAA.
Thanks for reading.


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CODA helps-btdt-but it doesn't get to the heart of the matter as quickly as SLAA. (for me anyway) I am glad you are taking steps to go to a 12 step group. Very happy for you. The womens group sounds great too. I am thrilled for you!!! This stuff takes courage and a lot of people stay away from the hard work!
SG is single guy
NC is no contact
Yes, I am obsessed with him and I do not know why. I feel played and mad because I was not looking for this. He started it and then so abruptly ended it. That part hurts more than anything. Yes he is doing the right thing now after he got what he wanted. He knew I was married from the beginning. Cyber sex was his way of saying we could have nasty e-mails to each other. I would not be attracted to him if I was single. In fact, I was not attracted to him at all until he started flirting and I saw how much fun it was. Even when he first started flirting he bothered me. His life is a mess. I think I got into an A because of a void in my life and my H had been my first and I always wondered. I know he doesn't have more to say, but I do, that is why I want to talk to him. I'd like to explain myself, as he got to about him. I want to try and be friends again. I miss talking to him about stuff we had in common. I know I have to figure this out for myself. Thanks for the single person side of this. It has helped me to understand him somewhat. C
It helps to read of your situations too and to know that hopefully we can learn and grow from these experiences!
I always thought that my xMM stayed away from the hard work. I encourage him to go to therapy and he did - for 30 mintues every 3 weeks. We all know that is not enough. Then in the end he said so many things to me that just did not sound right. He said that he had decided that love is a choice and he is choosing to love his W and not love me. He said that if he "acts as if" with his W then it will be. It was hard for me to accept that. All of my therapy has tought me to learn what my needs are and to learn to get them met in a healthy way. None of my therapy has taught me that love is a matter of choice. I could have "chosen" to love my husband and stay but then I would have been with a partner that could not talk to me, was gone all of the time and is a loner. Not a bad man, just not for me. Does this make sense?
I think my experience was a lot like yours in that I tried to end it so many times. My XMM was the relentless pursuer, yet also the married one unlikely to leave (and it ended up that he didn't). That was hard for me to understand. I would end it and I was single. He was in pursuit of me all of the time and he was the married one. Until HE decided it was time to end, he would not take no for an answer.
Lostit
BRAVO!
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
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