Afraid to lose feelings for him??
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Afraid to lose feelings for him??
| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:33pm |
This is very weird to me. I've been posting lately how xMM and I have ended our affair, but have been doing very well keeping in (verbal) contact and maintaining a friendship as much as possible for me right now. (Which means I refuse to see him.) I'm glad to report that things are still going good as far as that goes, but now I feel I am starting to lose the "loving" feelings that I had for him this whole time. I'm enjoying our frinedship and talking to him, but I really have no desire to see him and the intense desire to have his arms around me is no longer there. I know most of you probabaly think this is a huge progress step for me, considering I was SO sad when we ended things, but now I am almost scared to lose those feelings for him. I feel like I've actually been working on holding on to those feelings "just incase" he leaves his W. And what happens if he does and I don't want him anymore? So strange, my emotions are very conflicting. Has anyone actually been afraid to NOT want xMM anymore, or am I just in need of some serious therapy? Also, When our "A" was going on, I gave him my 2nd cell phone to use because we talked on the phone ALL day long and his W checks the bill every months and ever so nicely, highlights every call he made so she can question him. Well now that he doesn't have my phone anymore, he's been calling me on his own cell phone, and sometimes we talk 5 times a day and quite often, for like a 1/2 hour each time. I KNOW he will not be able to hide this, and she is my "friend" so she will know its me he's been talking to.I just wonder why he doesn't seem to care about that anymore. Do you think he is trying to get caught? He used to tell me that he wished he could just tell her about us cuz it would make it easier to leave but I always thought it was just a passing thought. Now I'm beginning to wonder. Anyway, weird stuff going on in my head. Any insight??

Dear Pal,
I remember when my A first ended and I started N/C I felt like it was a betrayal of my love to not hold on and I was AFRAID to lose the loving feelings because it had become my whole life. What I found was that I would have days when I could feel the feeling slipping but the love always came back WITH A VENGEANCE. AND THE PAIN So, for about 13 months I have been PRAYING everyday for the love to go away. It is still here. TODAY for the first time in a long time I remembered and processed some really mean stuff xMM said to me in the past. So TODAY I felt like the love "fantasy" was slipping a little. But I have no belief that it will stay away. IF IT DID IT WOULD BE GREAT!!!
I have tended to like to remember the good stuff and forget the bad. But the bad is just as true as the good. Not MORE TRUE but EQUALLY TRUE. Remembering the bad helps to move on better. Having N/C stops the story.
Survive
Pal,
I am currently in the state where I am afraid to loose my xMM's love. NC is hard because we work together, but I fell victim to loneliness this weekend and paged him. When he didn't respond I felt totally rejected. It was a feeling that I was shocked to have. Ironically his company pager was messed up (along with all the pagers life it in the company so I know it was true) so the pages he sent never got to me. You are afraid that no one will love you. It's understandable. I guess it's another stage in the complete process of the breakup. There are so many (too many) emotions associated with this situation, and fear is one of them. Heck, I am a young (24) woman and I feel scared that if my xMM doesn't love me, who will? I know the concept is stupid, but it still exists. Keep your head up. If you keep up the good NC, then the right person will come sooner. I am trying to keep positive, I hope you will too!
Sad
Sad,
The problem isn't that I'm afraid he's losing love for me. It's that I'm feeling like I'm losing it for him. We've been doing great as friends and I've been content with that. It seems weird to me that I was SO in love with him for 3 months and when we ended I was devastated. Now that we have a friendship without the A, I'm not sure I'm even in love with him anymore. And it scares me because I know it is still a possiblity that he COULD leave his wife, since he doesn't even want his M anymore. I remember how good it felt when we wanted eachother so bad, I would be disssapointed if he did leave and I didn't want that relationship with him anymore. Maybe I was more in love with the fantasy than I was him. It sure didn't feel like it at the time! I think maybe it could be the rejection thing too. When we stopped NC I was so worried he didn't love me anymore and I was struggling. Once we started talking again these weird feelings came on. And all this happened within a matter on 1 1/2 weeks.