After 1-1/2 years, HE ended it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
After 1-1/2 years, HE ended it...
23
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:22am

This will probably be a bit long, but need to get the whole story out. I was married for fourteen years and thought I was happy. The outside world thought it was a perfect marriage. Well, one year and a half ago, someone who had worked with me briefly turned my head and an affair began. (I guess I wasn't all that happy, huh?) He was not married, but living with someone for over ten years.

Within two months I was obsessed with him. We spoke two or three times daily and saw each other two times a month, then once a week, then two times a week and finally as much as we could. Weekends were off limits for obvious reasons and they were hard. Monday became our favorite day because we could be back together. Friday the most difficult day.

This continued throughout 2004 and into 2005. In January, I left my husband. I like to tell myself I didn't leave for OM, but he definitely had a strong influence on me. OM promised that he needed some time but wanted to change his life as well. He constantly claimed that he hadn't been happy for over eight years. He even gave me a self-imposed deadline. I firmly believed in his sincerity and thought he would make the move.

Well, the deadline came and went and the situation became more difficult. A new job for him made it more difficult to see each other and the relationship became strained. OM does not handle stress very well and started to say that perhaps we should leave this thing alone until things could be different for him. I'm realistic enough to know that he is a procrastinator and began to realize that he may never leave. I know -- for those outside the situation it's obvious -- for those of us on this inside, we continue to believe.

Fast forward to May, where we continued to see each other as much as possible. He continued to profess his love and desire for me. I traveled a bit for business and he was consumed by the new job. He surprised me on a Sunday night, calling at 9:30 to ask to come over (a first). Like a dope, I allowed it. Five days later on a Friday, he told me over lunch that he couldn't see me anymore. That he thought it was best for both of us. I cried and cried and he told me to just let it go. Five days before my birthday. Gone. It's been 12 days since then. No contact, no nothing.

I am overwhelmingly sad -- left with a huge void in my life. Appararently he has moved on. I continue to grapple with how he can turn off his emotions in a five day window. I have not called and will not call, even though I long to see him and speak with him. More than I could even explain. I cried for three hours last night. I'm assuming that he is gone for good. I can't understand it. I would have preferred if he could have said he didn't love me anymore. That would be a reason. He wasn't even married. UGH!

I'm looking for some insight, some advice, some good thoughts. I'm really struggling. I can't give in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:01am

Welcome here, honey, and big hugs to you. I imagine you're feeling an awful lot of pain these days.

First off, in response to yours <<>>, it's not likely he turned off his emotions, he just stopped acting on them. I did something like this to my XMM - everything was fine one day and the next I told him it was over for good. I made a decision, and it wasn't an easy one. I had to let him go because I still had feelings for my DH. I couldn't take the turmoil anymore. I felt like I was screwing with everybody around me. I started to feel sick about the way I was living.

<<<>>> Again, don't be so sure. This is not to encourage you to have any hope that this A isn't over, but just to reinforce that you don't know why he broke it off. He may not have moved on, as much as simply made a decision that he couldn't live in 2 relationships anymore.

Obviously, there was something missing in your communications with XOM. Either he wasn't totally up front with his plans for the future, or you were refusing to see what was REALLY going on. I understand that whichever was the case, it hurts like h#ll for you right now.

And there's a big void in your life now. Well, I'm big on the void, and using Affairs to fill them. At this point, before you do anything further with either your H or XOM, focus on yourself. Focus on what was missing from your life (or your marriage) that caused you to become involved in the A to begin with. What are you trying to find??? Before you can make any good decisions about your future, you need to understand why it happened. Although this experience is no doubt painful, try to use it for personal growth.

Keep posting here. There are some great folks who will get you thru this. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:35am

Islandgirl,

I don't think anyone can leave a 1-1/2 year affair and simply move on (if they can, I'd really like to hear their advice on this). One reason I ended my affair is that it was becoming too painful. It was sort of self-preservation. Do not call him, instead, read this board, post here. Read the prior posts about closure. From what I remember reading, closure is overrated. There is no need for that final conversation, that final explanation. Don't seek it out. Hugs to you. I feel your pain. You are not alone.

Birdie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:06am
Thanks Birdie. Rationally I know that everything you say is right and I am resolved not to call. Many of my friends think I have not heard the last of him. My therapist recommended that if he calls, I must take the call but say "no". Any advice there? I was planning to ignore any calls (if in fact they came along).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:24am

Why answer his call? What is there to be gained. From my own experience this guy can work me so everytime we end up talking I end up hurt. I kept thinking "we can be friends" or "I will be really cold". I couldn't do it. He knows me so well, he knows how to get past my defenses.

Anyways I know it is tough but have faith in yourself you can do this! Even if you slip a few times you get right back up and keep on trying. I am definately not an expert just wanted to give you some support....kc

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:36am

kc is right... I've taken the calls... I've made the calls... I ALWAYS end up hurt and set myself back to square 1 EVERY TIME! It's ridiculous! But I'm determined this time... IF he calls or tries to contact me in anyway... even if it appears to be purely "professional" (you may not have that issue - I do) I will NOT respond in ANYWAY! This time I WIN!

My A wasn't exactly like yours (you can read my "Affair Poster Child" post) but I can completely identify with the pain and confusion and questioning everything and yet STILL a desire for him (do we need a building to fall on us? :( ) and so I totally sympathize with you but encourage you (and at the same time encourage myself) to be strong and continue to identify the affair for what it was... an affair... and it sounds like that was all your OM was comfortable having with you (same with my exMM) so... we have to separate ourselves from THAT type of love and move forward headstrong to find REAL love within a REAL relationship! OR just learn to be happy without a man (this is my cynicism coming out now! :p) and see how much clearer life looks without that affair in it.

I remember before I got involved in an A - I had things in my life... things I considered... "issues" - looking back now... I WISH those were all I had to worry about. Cause this A made life so much more complicated and confusing and strained. Let's get back to a normal life with issues! :)

XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:00pm
Thanks for your support. What is your experience? Have you slipped? We have broken apart several times, only to resume in a day or so. This time is real. It is his choice and he is sticking firm. I truly do not expect to hear from here, but I am preparing for any and all situations. This sucks. I don't think I've ever been so unhappy in my life. It feels as though I will never have a special person, with whom I've made a strong connection again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:30pm
My story is that XMM and I worked together for 5 years and then we began our 2 plus yr A. When things began to change between us he told me I have done this before there is no happy ending, you will be hurt, I can't do this, blah, blah, blah. It still happened and everytime it happened he was filled with guilt and we ended it. He would get mad at me and say does this ever end? Do we just do this forever? During that time we were best frineds and spent so much time together. Anyways I moved 250 miles away and that was supposed to be the end but we talked on the phone every day and went to SF for a few days. Saw each other every time I came back which was every few months, 6 months of that.
Then on Feb 17 he called me and said, "say goodbye" his brother had gotten caught having an A and he didn't want to go thru that. We have talked about every 2 wks and even seen each other 3X no IC. Even though I think I can handle it, it either turns into phone sex and I feel used or the last few times he has gotten all emotional and he told me all of the things I always wanted to hear but he would never admit to. He told me how hard it is for him and how much he misses me and does not want to lose me how he loves me, blah, blah, blah, 90 minutes of it. He even said I am not supposed to be talking to you and was so confused it made me feel better but then it just messes up my head and ruined my holiday weekend. I get cross with my family and I realize that it just hurts me too much, I swore yesterday that if he called I would not pick up again, but if he called right now I would still pickup. I am an idiot. I know what you mean there is no one who I feel this same connection with. I just try to put it from my mind and work on the rest of my life and hopefully one day I will be able to not pick up. I understand that I have to make the choice to end it and stick with it and sometimes I think I am there but then......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:18pm

He just sounds like a commitment-phobic man.

He doesn't want to make a commitment to ANYONE hence the live-in love of 10 years.
As long as it was fun and frolicky and sex it was all good but when you wanted something deeper, he simply IMO got turned off.

This guy is a big time loser and not worth your time. The grass ALWAYS looks greener on the other side. Consider yourself blessed and lucky that he has moved on. Were you looking forward to being his next LIVE IN love for the next 10 years, until YOU were replaced, cause that's all he can give.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:26pm

Thanks for the kind -- and firm -- words. I need this kind of talk right now. I'm doing okay although I had a tearful night last night. You're right, I want and deserve something better. We all do. And you did peg him -- commitment phobe he is.

THanks again...appreciate the uplifting message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:40pm

No problem.

And you will have some tears. Look at it as a learning experience. You will become stronger because of this.....

Now no more tears and when those feelings come back - have a POSITIVE affirmation and start saying it. Something like.....I deserve better. I am worth it. God has control of the situation. Just keep saying it over and over and over and eventually all will become true.

That special one is out there and he's waiting for YOU!

Take care and God bless!

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