After 7 days, I got a message

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
After 7 days, I got a message
12
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:30am

Today would have been the 8th day of NC.  I was doing well, but was hoping to hear from him. Well, I did.  Now, I don't feel so well. The heart is beating like before.  He only asked how I was doing and replied to my message from last week and signed it Love,___XO. So, people, I need your help.  I am guessing that you will all tell me to ignore the message and go on with my life.  Since it took him a week to respond to my message, the vindictive part of me wants to let him sit and wonder what happened to me which is why I was hoping to get a message.  I don't have any bad feelings towards him because we could never have a relationship together and I wanted him to find someone who he could love and would love him. Part of me is jealous, part of me is relieved and I am able to go back to my life, part of me is hurt because it all happened so fast and I think he could have handled everything better. I would have appreciated a nice Dear Tam letter to put it all to rest. I don't like the writing me then not writing me for 11 days, then writing, then not writing for 5 days, and so on. I had told him that I would not initiate contact with him, but if he sent me a message, I always answered it. After the 11 day stretch, I blasted him for not talking to me and leaving me hanging. After the 5 day and 7 day stretches, I expect it. My head tells me this WHOLE thing is ridiculous. I never wanted another man in my life. Then once I got one, I still don't want him, but struggle to get over him. I hate feeling like this!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Tamcoll

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:43am

Tam,

you feel the way you do because you didn't close the door - you incorrectly assigned him power over your worth by seeing your worthy by whether or not he missed you.  I'm conflicted to whether or not you are actually commited to this ending or if you really mean it.  Ending is not about vindictive, revengeful behaviors - in fact, ending has very little to do with the xAP and everything to do with you.

You say I am guessing that you will all tell me to ignore the message and go on with my life.  Since it took him a week to respond to my message, the vindictive part of me wants to let him sit and wonder what happened to me which is why I was hoping to get a message - Truth is - you aren't guessing we'll tell you that - you know we will.  Why does it matter if he wonders about you?

You also say Part of me is jealous, part of me is relieved and I am able to go back to my life, part of me is hurt because it all happened so fast and I think he could have handled everything better. I would have appreciated a nice Dear Tam letter to put it all to rest. You think he could have handled it better?  who cares how he handles it?  Ending is how YOU are handling it, and it seems like in a weird way this is still a game - how much does he have to miss you and "love" you to reel you back in?

 I had told him that I would not initiate contact with him, but if he sent me a message, I always answered it. After the 11 day stretch, I blasted him for not talking to me and leaving me hanging. After the 5 day and 7 day stretches, I expect it.  So you don't initiate unless it goes to 11 days and then you do intiate.  It's an A, not a marriage.  This behavior is EXACTLY the definition of not being his priority, because in an A you aren't.

I'm sure you think I'm being a little rough - but the reality is - sometimes we need some roughness to help us figure out what we're doing.  Be really honest with yourself.  Have you put blocks and filters in place so he can't contact you?  Because if you really want it over, really want it to end - you will.  Leaving emails to hit the inbox with no intent to answer is a good form of flagellation and weakening your resolve for this whole thing to be over.  So why torture yourself?  If you are really done - really commited to ending forever - then it's time to be brutally honest and adopt the mantra - it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what he things, what he's doing, what he says, if he emails, if he calls, if he texts - it doesn't matter. 

I challenge you to figure out if you are done.  I hope you are.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:51am

Hi Tam,

I understand; I get it.

It took me two years to FINALLY send my XAP the “do not contact me anymore” email.  But, two and a half months later, he emailed AGAIN!  He was just trying to hook me again, trying to see if I’d bite again, if there was still a slight, slight chance that he could play again.

So, here’s my take on it, based on looking back at my experience.

The A is dying a slow death. They all do end, you know.  Some abruptly, some slow, like a fire smoldering.  That was my story.

I came to find his random attempts insulting to me.  After all, he was going on with his life, with his W.  He’s fine; he’s where he wants to be OR HE WOULDN’T BE THERE!  It works for him.  BUT, he wants to play on the side.  Nothing more.  And, if he finds that I will bite, great!  But, if not, he’ll continue to randomly try.  He’ll eventually give up.  Probably move on to another AP. 

I came to find his attempts insulting because it meant he clearly saw me as “that kind of girl”, KWIM?  If he knew that I was unavailable and not “that kind of girl”, he wouldn’t even try.  He’d go find another “that kind of girl”.

But, I can’t blame him entirely for trying.  After all, I WAS “that kind of girl” for him.  You see, we teach people how to treat us.  He was looking, he found “that kind of girl” in me and BINGO!  He found what he was looking for!  Someone that would look the other way and engage in an A with him.

SO, now I am teaching him that I am no longer “that kind of girl”.  Because I’m not.

And, the way that I have found to be most effective, with the least amount of confusion and further hurt, is absolutely NC.  I even quit my membership to a yoga studio that I loved because I knew I would run into him there and he had stalked me there before.

So, of course, as you might guess, our best advice, based on our experience, is to ignore and move on and go be the “kind of girl” that does NOT engage in illicit secrets.

For me, silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard, silence is POWER.

~Sunrise

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:35pm

I hadn't thought of it in that way. I still have feelings for him.  I agree with feeling better with no contact.  I was feeling like my old self until today. I have now blocked him from contacting me on my email account.  Texting is not a problem and he won't call me nor do I think he is interested in doing so. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:35pm

I hadn't thought of it in that way. I still have feelings for him.  I agree with feeling better with no contact.  I was feeling like my old self until today. I have now blocked him from contacting me on my email account.  Texting is not a problem and he won't call me nor do I think he is interested in doing so. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 2:42pm

Sunrise, you are so right.  It has been on life support since November. I do hate the secrets and I was feeling so much happier without hearing from him. My situation is different, yet the same from the rest here. But having feelings for someone who is not your husband is still having feelings for someone who is not your husband whether you see him or not. You still invest your time and energy in someone else. I want to stay in my marriage and I need to find the backbone to let it all go. So, I'm not going to respond and I have blocked him from sending me anymore messages. I'm tired and I don't like who I had become.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 6:47pm

>So, I'm not going to respond and I have blocked him from sending me anymore messages<

Excellent!  Sheer determination and major pro-active activity in that sentence.

Now, it's really important that you stay close to the Board, Tam.  I hope you are reading in the H.L. too because that's where we gain strength, resolve and momentum.  Eventually,  with all that insight and wisdom you gain, over time you really hope that he never fishes again because you've gone back to where you belong.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 8:05pm

Hi, Tam.

Most all of us have been where you are.  I absolutely relate to your A as there are some paralells as I wasn't looking for my own A to happen, and it was with someone who was/is a really great guy. 

It felt lovely to be appreciated, sexy... wanted.  But I knew there would be no good end to it, so, I cut my losses, and wrote my final good-by email to my xAP in mid-September.

My best advice to you is to constantly check your reality.  You may still be in the fog of the affair.  You must step into reality - and keep reminding yourself as to why this is an impossible situation.  And while you're doing that, remember that 75% or more A's do NOT succeed.

I am trying very hard to fix my own troubled marriage, but in your case, you have a good relationship to begin with.  I'd say some therapy would help, particularly if your H's backhanded compliments are too much to bear.

Promise yourself you'll keep remembering how impossible all of this - is and take steps to right your life again.

At the very least, you do NOT want to have your xAP end things - and he will eventually do just that if you do not.

((HUGS))

PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 8:57pm

Thanks PAC.  Yes, my AP did make me feel special, but it is true, nothing can or will come of it.  Only feelings of addiction and loss of control over myself. Things I do not like. I have been married for 28 years and my husband still finds me sexy and attractive after all of these years. I don't know why I ever was interested in anyone else. No marriage is perfect, but mine has always been strong and happy, heck, I had my last child when we were married for 22 years! Like the new poster today said, she was persued until she gave in.  I was persued too. He made it very clear that he was interested in me. I was flattered that someone would be interested in me, but I tried very hard to keep my distance.

I'm not sure if I should send a final goodbye note.  I have tried it in the past and we always ended up reconnecting.  I agree totally that I want to be the one to end it and I know that if I don't he eventually will, but either sending an email or not respondingI feel like I am in control.

My husband didn't mean to offend me with his compliment.  He really meant it as a compliment, but it didn't come across like he had hoped it would. I was probably more sensitive to it also because of the compliments from the other guy were less specific.  ie you are stunning, gorgeous, beautiful. I wasn't insulted. I joked with him and gave him a hard time about it. He really does think I look good.  I have tried to always look my best even when I stay home. It's kind of old fashioned, but I want him to want to come home.

Thanks for the advice,

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 10:24am
Sunrise, you rock! This is so true "I came to find his attempts insulting because it meant he clearly saw me as “that kind of girl”, KWIM? If he knew that I was unavailable and not “that kind of girl”, he wouldn’t even try. He’d go find another “that kind of girl”. " If we think of this every time a MM or any man if we are M acts inappropriately with us and stop them dead in their tracks we will never get caught up in the stupidness of an A. After all, if a MM comes on to you he is disrespecting you and telling you up front that he is a liar, cheater and doesn't have respect for commitment, marriage or women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 2:16pm
Hi Tam, I have been wanting to respond to your post since you made your first one. My A was primarily an EA and I understand how you think it's the same but it's not. Except that it is..... We were both looking for *something* from someone who was not our husband. We both feel in *love* with someone who was not our husband. We both now have to look inward at what was missing/driving us to do that. It doesn't matter about the who, how, whys of them anymore. It's all about us now. Let him go sweetie, he doesn't really want you, just those feel good ego strokes you gave him. You are missing the ones he gave you, when you peel it back thats really what you miss...... I know how much it hurts but I promise you it gets better - with time. You are doing the right thing blocking every avenue. It's over now sweetie, anything from here is just putting off whats destined to end anyway - and believe me, that bit is just torture. You can do this Tam,  I know you can Hugs Sunny Soon Xxx

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