After 7 days, I got a message

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
After 7 days, I got a message
12
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:30am

Today would have been the 8th day of NC.  I was doing well, but was hoping to hear from him. Well, I did.  Now, I don't feel so well. The heart is beating like before.  He only asked how I was doing and replied to my message from last week and signed it Love,___XO. So, people, I need your help.  I am guessing that you will all tell me to ignore the message and go on with my life.  Since it took him a week to respond to my message, the vindictive part of me wants to let him sit and wonder what happened to me which is why I was hoping to get a message.  I don't have any bad feelings towards him because we could never have a relationship together and I wanted him to find someone who he could love and would love him. Part of me is jealous, part of me is relieved and I am able to go back to my life, part of me is hurt because it all happened so fast and I think he could have handled everything better. I would have appreciated a nice Dear Tam letter to put it all to rest. I don't like the writing me then not writing me for 11 days, then writing, then not writing for 5 days, and so on. I had told him that I would not initiate contact with him, but if he sent me a message, I always answered it. After the 11 day stretch, I blasted him for not talking to me and leaving me hanging. After the 5 day and 7 day stretches, I expect it. My head tells me this WHOLE thing is ridiculous. I never wanted another man in my life. Then once I got one, I still don't want him, but struggle to get over him. I hate feeling like this!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Tamcoll

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:51am

Hi Tam,

I understand; I get it.

It took me two years to FINALLY send my XAP the “do not contact me anymore” email.  But, two and a half months later, he emailed AGAIN!  He was just trying to hook me again, trying to see if I’d bite again, if there was still a slight, slight chance that he could play again.

So, here’s my take on it, based on looking back at my experience.

The A is dying a slow death. They all do end, you know.  Some abruptly, some slow, like a fire smoldering.  That was my story.

I came to find his random attempts insulting to me.  After all, he was going on with his life, with his W.  He’s fine; he’s where he wants to be OR HE WOULDN’T BE THERE!  It works for him.  BUT, he wants to play on the side.  Nothing more.  And, if he finds that I will bite, great!  But, if not, he’ll continue to randomly try.  He’ll eventually give up.  Probably move on to another AP. 

I came to find his attempts insulting because it meant he clearly saw me as “that kind of girl”, KWIM?  If he knew that I was unavailable and not “that kind of girl”, he wouldn’t even try.  He’d go find another “that kind of girl”.

But, I can’t blame him entirely for trying.  After all, I WAS “that kind of girl” for him.  You see, we teach people how to treat us.  He was looking, he found “that kind of girl” in me and BINGO!  He found what he was looking for!  Someone that would look the other way and engage in an A with him.

SO, now I am teaching him that I am no longer “that kind of girl”.  Because I’m not.

And, the way that I have found to be most effective, with the least amount of confusion and further hurt, is absolutely NC.  I even quit my membership to a yoga studio that I loved because I knew I would run into him there and he had stalked me there before.

So, of course, as you might guess, our best advice, based on our experience, is to ignore and move on and go be the “kind of girl” that does NOT engage in illicit secrets.

For me, silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard, silence is POWER.

~Sunrise

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:43am

Tam,

you feel the way you do because you didn't close the door - you incorrectly assigned him power over your worth by seeing your worthy by whether or not he missed you.  I'm conflicted to whether or not you are actually commited to this ending or if you really mean it.  Ending is not about vindictive, revengeful behaviors - in fact, ending has very little to do with the xAP and everything to do with you.

You say I am guessing that you will all tell me to ignore the message and go on with my life.  Since it took him a week to respond to my message, the vindictive part of me wants to let him sit and wonder what happened to me which is why I was hoping to get a message - Truth is - you aren't guessing we'll tell you that - you know we will.  Why does it matter if he wonders about you?

You also say Part of me is jealous, part of me is relieved and I am able to go back to my life, part of me is hurt because it all happened so fast and I think he could have handled everything better. I would have appreciated a nice Dear Tam letter to put it all to rest. You think he could have handled it better?  who cares how he handles it?  Ending is how YOU are handling it, and it seems like in a weird way this is still a game - how much does he have to miss you and "love" you to reel you back in?

 I had told him that I would not initiate contact with him, but if he sent me a message, I always answered it. After the 11 day stretch, I blasted him for not talking to me and leaving me hanging. After the 5 day and 7 day stretches, I expect it.  So you don't initiate unless it goes to 11 days and then you do intiate.  It's an A, not a marriage.  This behavior is EXACTLY the definition of not being his priority, because in an A you aren't.

I'm sure you think I'm being a little rough - but the reality is - sometimes we need some roughness to help us figure out what we're doing.  Be really honest with yourself.  Have you put blocks and filters in place so he can't contact you?  Because if you really want it over, really want it to end - you will.  Leaving emails to hit the inbox with no intent to answer is a good form of flagellation and weakening your resolve for this whole thing to be over.  So why torture yourself?  If you are really done - really commited to ending forever - then it's time to be brutally honest and adopt the mantra - it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what he things, what he's doing, what he says, if he emails, if he calls, if he texts - it doesn't matter. 

I challenge you to figure out if you are done.  I hope you are.

 

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